


Young Minds

by Seajellybaby



Series: The LA Series [19]
Category: As the World Turns
Genre: Angst, Drama, Family, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:14:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 77,782
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23083810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seajellybaby/pseuds/Seajellybaby
Summary: The LA Series is my attempt to continue the Luke and Noah story from the finale onward.  I have tried to keep as true to the original show as possible.  I hope you enjoy it.As these stories are part of a series I have rated them all as mature - Just to be safe.
Relationships: Noah Mayer/Luke Snyder
Series: The LA Series [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1601257
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

“Before we get down to business, I must apologize, Mr. Snyder,” the rotund Englishman said; placing his napkin on his lap; leaning back to allow the waitress to deliver his plate of eggs and bacon.  
  
“Apologize?”  
  
“Well, at the time of writing you that letter, I had no idea that you were already CEO of a large shipping conglomerate. At your age, that’s particularly impressive going. Had I known, I would most likely not have insulted you by offering you a menial reporting position?” It was clear from his expression that the man had since found out everything he needed to about Luke as Luciano, but that he was cautiously feeling the waters; as a good reporter would do.   
  
Luke smiled at him. “Well first of all, it’s Luke, and secondly, I’m no longer CEO of Grimaldi Shipping… I sold the company recently.”  
  
“Yes, I read about that too.”  
  
“And it’s not like I worked my way up. My father left the company to me.”  
  
“But still, word is you ran an impressive ship. And I’ve also read up on your foundation Mr.… sorry,” he smiled back, “Luke… The organization does good work.”  
  
Mr Dimbleby took up the salt shaker; proceeded to dowse his food until Luke was sure it had turned white.  
  
“Yes, yes it does,” Luke agreed, “and I’m very proud of that. But again, I don’t have much involvement anymore. At least not since I moved to Los Angeles. I was considering expanding some of the foundation projects out to LA, but at the moment HQ is still based in Oakdale, Illinois and pretty much runs itself so…”  
  
“Why did you sell your company, Luke? If you don’t mind my asking?”  
  
Luke paused; loosened his tie nervously. “Let’s just say I was getting in deeper then I wanted to, and felt it was time to move on.”

Luke was sure the editor already suspected Luke's reasons for selling. He was likely itching for the full story.   
  
“Ah, yes. These things can take over one’s life," the man said. "I understand from your writing, that you have a young family to take care of. Well then! I take it you decided to turn your intelligence to writing a book instead? I must say, you certainly have a talent for it!”  
  
“Thank you, Mr. Dimbleby…”  
  
“It’s Jarvis.”  
  
“Thank you, Jarvis. It means a lot coming from you, and you’d be right... I do want to finish this book. But truthfully, when I received your letter, I couldn’t have been happier…”  
  
“Sorry?” He seemed genuinely surprised.  
  
“It’s been my dream to write since I can remember, and to write as a reporter would give me the chance to deal with social issues that interest me.”  
  
“Ah… You mean similar to the work you did with your foundation?”  
  
“You could say that. I feel like it’s a job where I could potentially make a difference, you know? Have some kind of impact on the world.”  
  
The man’s belly wobbled as he laughed cordially. “Well! I don’t know how much difference can be made, but I do see your point.”  
  
“I have the desire to seek out the truth, Jarvis… it’s inbuilt in me,” Luke assured him. “I think this job would be a perfect outlet for me, and safer than becoming a police detective.” Luke laughed then. “I think Noah would just about kill me himself if I went and joined the academy!”  
  
The round man eyed him critically for a moment; obviously deciding Luke was serious said, “Well I must say I am pleased! It’s not often I come across a unique style such as yours! I feel like I’ve claimed somewhat of a coup.”  
  
Luke laughed. “Um... Thanks, but I doubt that!”  
  
“No, no, my dear boy! Don’t put yourself down! You’ll be a famous reporter in no time, you mark my words!”  
  
***  
  
Noah found Luke vacuuming the kids’ bedroom to a Green Day album he hadn’t listened to in a while. At least Noah assumed it was Green Day, because Luke was singing _American Idiot_ at the top of his lungs. And badly too. Noah cringed even as he smiled, enjoying the way Luke bobbed to the music playing through his headphones.  
  
Luke had obviously decided to give the room a complete seeing too, because the top drawer to the dresser was still open and all of Nicholas’ T-shirts were sprawled over the sheet-less bed. Noah could hear the washing machine whirring away in the kitchen; assumed Luke must have washed the bedding.  
  
Luke wasn’t exactly neat. Not to Noah’s standards anyway. And Luke wasn’t the clean-as-you-go type of guy, always leaving his wet towels on the bathroom floor, or the peanut butter jar open on the counter. However, every now and then, Luke would get this strange urge to spring clean... and then he’d go all out! Every corner, every drawer, ever piece of linen would receive a once over.  
  
Noah believed it helped some kind of thought process, because right afterward Luke would usually get a burst of creative energy, and Noah would find him busy on his laptop.  
  
As Luke bent low to skirt the vacuum’s head under the dresser, Noah raised his eyebrows in appreciation of his firm backside. But as Luke came back up to standing, he managed to knock his head on the underside of the open drawer, with the quite malicious sound of a melon splitting. The loud vacuuming came to an unceremonious conclusion, and Luke’s hand shot up to rub the now tender section of his head.  
  
“Shit!” he exclaimed, staggering backward slightly, eyes squeezed shut with the stinging pain as he pulled the headphones from his ears.  
  
“Careful,” Noah said laughing, “I’m not sure you can afford to loose any more brain cells, you know?”  
  
Luke opened one eye and regarded Noah. “Oh, my head’s just fine thanks for asking. I should get _my_ vision back sometime next week!”  
  
“Now, now,” Noah soothed, “it would take a sledgehammer to dent that skull of yours! Let me take a look.” Noah pushed Luke’s fingers aside; pulled his head down, feeling gently through the thick hair. There was a small bruised and raised spot, but no blood.  
Noah kissed the spot fleetingly; patted him on the head good-humoredly. “You won’t die,” he told Luke, “not from that, anyway...”  
  
Luke smiled sideways at him out the corner of his mouth. “Are you trying to suggest that I have a habit of getting myself into trouble, Mayer?”  
  
“It’s Snyder. And that’s not what I said at all.” Noah grinned. “But just in case you don’t have a whole lot of time left, I suggest you finish the cleanup! Then I don’t have to do it after you’ve departed this world.”  
  
“Ha-ha!” Luke mocked. “You’d miss me like hell and you know it!”  
  
“Oh, I don’t know,” Noah released a fake yawn as though he were bored, “it could actually be nice not to have to listen to your snoring all night...”  
  
“I do not snore!” Luke exclaimed indignantly; hands on his hips as he faked annoyance. “If anybody has bad bedroom habits it’s you! Which one of us always hogs the comforter?”  
  
Noah laughed. “Awe... Thing is, Luke baby,” Noah moved in to encircle Luke in his arms, “you’re so damn hot already, you don’t need a comforter.” He kissed Luke just as the blonde’s lips began to curl up into a smile.  
  
“Not that I’m complaining, but what are you doing here anyway?” Luke asked as they broke from their leisurely kiss, but not from holding each other.  
  
“I was missing you,” Noah replied. “I thought I’d come home for lunch today. I didn’t expect lunch to include a show and dance routine.”  
  
“Shut up!” Luke punched his shoulder.  
  
“Well, why don’t you finish up in here and I’ll make you and the kids something to eat, okay? I have an hour before I have to be back at the studio.”  
  
“Sure,” Luke grinned, “sounds like a plan.”  
  
“Where are they anyway?” Noah asked him.  
  
“Playing out back. That sandpit Dad set up for them works a treat! It gives me at least an hour and a half of peace during the day!”  
  
Noah smiled and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “You make such a good little house wife! Pity you’ll soon be re-joining the rat race. I was enjoying domesticated Luke... especially the apron!”  
  
“You’re cutting it really fine with the jokes today, Mayer!”  
  
“It’s Snyder! And how _did_ your meeting with Mr. Dimbleby go this morning, anyway?”  
  
“Real good," Luke told him. "I’ll tell you all about it when we eat. Which reminds me…?”  
  
Luke walked over to the open closet, squatted down and drew out a wooden storage box located on the bottom shelf. Opening it revealed an array of different food stuffs, mostly harboring various forms of hairy mold. The smell was seriously intense.  
  
“Oh, no!” Noah exclaimed frustrated. “Again?”  
  
Luke sighed. “The thing is I don’t think he does it because he’s hungry or distressed in any way. I think he just does it out of habit.”  
  
They had discovered Nicholas’ propensity for hiding food early on, immediately coming to understand it was a latent survival mechanism from his previous life. But for a while, the problem appeared to have been resolved.  
  
Now it seemed Nicholas had started it up again.  
  
Noah let out a breath of air. It always hurt to think of their little guy starving in that house, stealing food from wherever he could find it. So much so, that even now, fully fed each day, Nicholas still felt the need to secure himself in this way... just in case.  
  
“What should we do?” Luke asked.  
  
“Well,” Noah suggested, “I know we spoke about it before, but maybe he does need therapy.”  
  
Luke nodded. “I had hoped it wouldn’t come to that.”  
  
“Me too,” Noah agreed sadly. “But nothing we’ve done seems to have helped, so maybe we need to try plan B.”  
  
Luke placed the lid back on the box and stood up. “I guess he’s just been so much better since he first arrived, you know?" He said sadly. "Sometimes I just forget...”  
  
“Yeah… He is better, Luke, but… There are things we still don’t know…”  
  
“Things we don’t really want to know?”  
  
Noah nodded. “But not wanting to know and needing to know are two different issues.”  
  
Luke hugged him in for a moment; patted his back. “Come on you! Hop to it or you won’t have enough time to eat lunch with us!”  
  
Noah smiled. “You okay?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They kissed and Noah left toward the kitchen, promptly finding himself bombarded by two tiny bodies arriving all sandy from the outside.  
  
“Hey you two,” Noah chastised, “what have I told you about trekking sand into the house? You need to make sure it’s all gone before you come inside, okay?”  
  
“We wanted to see you!” Mia smiled and Noah just shook his head. He was such a weakling!  
  
He lifted Mia into his arms and gave her a kiss on her cheek. “Come on troops! I’m making lunch!” Noah announced.  
  
“Can we have waffles?” asked Nicholas hopefully.  
  
“I don’t think so, buddy! We definitely need to eat something healthier than waffles for lunch, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” Nicholas sang, slightly disappointed.  
  
But Noah already knew that Nicholas would happily tuck into anything he was given.  
  
***  
  
 _Josh’s best friend Benoit had lived in Los Angeles for a year, after his father was transferred from Paris, France, where Benoit was born._  
  
 _Benoit spoke with a soft, silky accent... graveling his R's, sustaining his E's and morphing his I's... that drove Josh crazy from the very first day they met. Unfortunately for Josh, it also drove the girls crazy, and made Benoit into quite the ladies’ man._ _On more than a few occasions, Josh was roped into keeping watch, while Benoit got off with some or other girl behind the gym._  
  
 _Amazingly, the girls didn’t seem to mind that Benoit wasn’t exclusive. They still wanted his attentions; drawn to him like pretty butterflies to a blazing flame. In fact being European seemed to give him some kind of license to ignore the usual socially acceptable etiquette._  
  
 _Benoit also had a way of speaking to elders... especially teachers... with an indescribable pretentiousness, that never failed to have Josh in stitches. But his precocious attitude consequently landed Benoit in detention pretty much every Friday afternoon; the threat of expulsion the only thing that ensured Benoit attend._ _It was Benoit’s opinion that the American schooling system was far too strict and held students back from their own self-discovery and expression._  
  
 _“_ _Répressif!” he’d mutter occasionally under his breath._  
  
 _And Benoit liked to smoke. Or more exactly, Benoit liked to smoke weed._  
  
 _And Josh liked to smoke weed with him, even though the last time he got caught with the stuff on him, he’d been threatened with suspension from school. And it had cost him his yearly trip to camp... the only time he got to escape the confines of his parent’s strict expectations._  
  
 _Josh was willing to take that risk, because the thing was, whenever Benoit got high, he also got friendly. And although it was clear he much preferred the female sex, Benoit wasn’t one to sniff at the occasional kiss from his best friend._  
  
 _The first time it happened, Benoit took Josh totally by surprise. They’d lit a small fire on the beach one night, smoked a couple of joints, and ended up in the water; playfully dunking each other and chasing each other through the surf._ _Josh couldn’t help but notice how smooth and well toned his friend's body was. Benoit played tennis for three hours nearly every day to achieve that. The salt water adorned their bodies like jewels as they glistened in the firelight._  
  
 _They reached their towels and collapsed out of breath, laughing._ _Weed always made them giggle like two school girls._  
  
 _“Hey,” Benoit said pointing up at the stars, “that ghroup of stargrs, they look like pe_ _nis!”_  
  
 _Josh twisted the angle of his head to stare up at them; bust out laughing until his stomach hurt. When he turned his head to the side he drew breath; his face was only a few inches from Benoit’s. Benoit smiled, leaned forward to kiss Josh._  
  
 _There was no tongue or anything, and for all Josh knew these occasional kisses were just friendly pecks of affection from Benoit’s uninhibited point of view. But Josh didn’t care. As far as he was concerned, Benoit was pure perfection, and he searched for those soft kisses like he would search for water in the desert... if he were ever stuck in one._  
  
 _And it was for this reason that Josh... emotions all over the place where this boy was concerned... never questioned it._  
  
 _When Benoit suggested they move on from weed to trying a couple of ecstasy pills, Josh... a bubbling cauldron of teenaged hormones... couldn’t think of a reason not to agree._  
  
***  
  
“Still not back?” A sleepy Noah inquired, as he entered the living room to find Luke worriedly pushing back the curtain; checking out the window and twisting his cell in his hand.  
  
Luke sighed through his nose. “No. Look baby, you have to be up for work in the morning. Go back to sleep! I’ll sort this.”  
  
Noah would have done if he could, but the tight knot he felt in his gut, and the look of worry mirrored in Luke’s amber eyes made sleep unlikely. Ignoring Luke’s comment he asked, “Did you try calling him again?”  
  
“Yes. I’ve called a hundred times and he’s still not picked up. I hate to say it Noah, but I’m getting really worried.”  
  
Noah hugged him close from behind. “Hey,” he said, planting a kiss on the side of Luke’s neck, “I’m sure he’s fine.”  
  
“I wish you sounded more confident!” Luke replied. “Noah, we really have to set some ground rules for this kid. So far we’ve just let him do his own thing. I guess I don’t want him…”  
  
“…thinking he can do what he likes?” Noah finished.  
  
“Yeah. I mean, he’s a really good kid. He’s responsible and bright. I don’t think we have to worry. But if he doesn’t know what the boundaries are he might try testing them.”  
  
“Like tonight...”  
  
Luke nodded and swayed into Noah’s embrace.  
  
***   
  
Josh was really trying to be quiet... he really was... but he had the distinct feeling he was making one hell of a noise.  
  
He struggled with his key in the lock; stumbled back into the door so that it slammed shut.  
  
“Shhh!” he exclaimed at the guilty block of wood. “Be quiet!”

He giggled a little at the idea of having a conversation with a door.  
  
He took a moment to gather himself, leaving the relative stability of the door to move his unsteady legs forward and toward the guest bedroom; which had since become his. Everything was going just great... minus the spinning... when the pesky rug jumped out in front of him and tripped him up. He went flying forward; fell bent over the back of the couch.  
  
It was only then that he noticed the small lamp on the side table was on. He blinked at it for a second, and when he turned his head, jerked quickly back up to standing.  
  
He wobbled.  
  
Luke and Noah were fast asleep on the couch, all curled up together; holding on so that neither of them fell off. Luke’s head looked kind of funny. It was bent at a strange angle against the armrest. Josh released a snort of laughter before he could stop himself. The force of that snort sent him off balance, and he would have fallen over had his left hand not already been gripping the top of the couch for stability.  
  
“Oops!” he exclaimed loudly; right hand flying up to cover his big mouth.

But it was too late; Luke stirred and opened his eyes. “Josh?” he croakily asked, sitting up slightly and rubbing the back of his sore neck.  
  
“Sorry,” Josh expressed guiltily.  
  
Josh watched as Luke carefully pulled himself free from Noah’s embrace. Noah shifted in his sleep, but he didn’t wake up. Luke stood; gently lifted Noah’s head so that he could push a cushion under it... make Noah more comfortable. Luke rubbed his face firmly in both hands; lifted his eyes to regard the state Josh was in.  
  
He sighed deeply before whispering, “Come with me.”  
  
Josh followed Luke into the kitchen, where Luke indicated he should take a seat. As Josh settled himself on a stool, Luke withdrew the cold water bottle from the fridge, and proceeded to pour Josh a large glass of it.  
  
“Drink this,” Luke instructed.  
  
Josh shook his head. He felt decidedly ill and didn’t particularly want anything.  
  
“I’m not asking you...” Luke said firmly, and Josh saw then how angry he was.  
  
Deciding it was safer to follow orders at this point, Josh took a few swigs.  
  
“All of it!” Luke insisted.  
  
“I can’t!” Josh moaned.  
  
“Josh, if you don’t drink that, you’re going to wake up tomorrow wishing you were dead. That’s if you make it that long, because I could just about kill you myself right now!”  
  
“Luke…”  
  
“Do you have any idea how worried we’ve been? It’s 4:00 AM, Josh! Noah has work tomorrow and he’s been up half the night with me!”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Josh insisted through a slur, “I didn’t think you would…”  
  
“What?” Luke asked him. “Care?”  
  
Josh hung his head and swayed.  
  
Luke folded his arms and sighed. “Look… there’s no point trying to talk about this now. Get to bed. But tomorrow you and me are going to be having a very long discussion, okay?”  
  
Josh nodded. And just to show his cooperation, he struggled to finish the last few drops of water out the glass.  
  
As Josh approached the hall on his way to bed, he turned just in time to catch sight of Luke kissing Noah awake.  
  
“Baby?” Luke whispered gently.  
  
“Hmm? Josh?” Noah asked urgently.  
  
Josh heard the note of concern in Noah’s voice and guilt crept up his neck.  
  
“He’s back and very drunk,” Luke informed him.  
  
“What?” Noah asked.  
  
“Don’t worry, he’s fine,” Luke assured him. “I sent him to bed. Do you want to stay sleeping here or do you want to come with me?”  
  
“Go with you, of course.”  
  
And despite felling terrible, Josh couldn’t help but smile when Luke did. He left before Luke and Noah noticed he was there.


	2. Chapter 2

_The effects of ecstasy were far superior to the effects of weed in Benoit’s opinion, and Josh had to agree.  
  
Colors flashed in intense and vibrant lights, as pupils dilated in a perfect state of blissfulness. E made everything seem more beautiful somehow. Josh could almost believe he was wholly loved by one and all. It made Josh feel euphoric and hyper. He wanted to talk to everybody and be around people. __And of course, it made Benoit all the more lovable._  
  
 _For a while Benoit was content to swallow the occasional ecstasy tablet purchased off some or other kid from school, but eventually that wasn’t enough; he wanted to do it more often._  
  
 _Josh was indifferent. He enjoyed taking the substance; he only did it because Benoit wanted to._ _But the more popular Benoit became, the more parties they were invited to. And ecstasy plus parties equaled a whole new level of experience._  
  
 _And Benoit loved to experience anything and everything._  
  
 _Of course deciding to turn the use of ecstasy tablets into a more regular thing, meant Benoit... and consequently Josh... needed to find a much better source than school could offer._  
  
 _They needed to find a real dealer._  
  
 _Against Josh’s better judgment, they headed to the north of the San Fernando Valley one day after school. To a particular area where everyone knew drugs were rife._  
  
 _“This is a really bad idea, Benoit,” Josh repeated for the one hundredth time._  
  
 _They stood in the packed and sweaty bus, swaying as they each gripped a leather strap protruding from the roof._  
  
 _“It is aventure!” Benoit exclaimed in his usual offhand manner._ _“Profiter!”_  
  
 _“What?” Asked Josh with a frown._  
  
 _“Zis fun… you know? Enjoy!”_  
  
 _“Yeah, sure,” Josh muttered sarcastically. “Until we get shot, or worse, until our parent’s find out! You know my Dad will kill me if he finds out I left the district, never mind the,” he leaned forward to whisper, “drugs…”_  
  
 _Benoit just grinned at him. “Exciting, no?”_  
  
 _And pretty soon, shaking his head, Josh was grinning right back. He couldn’t help it. Benoit just had that affect on him._  
  
 _They got off the bus at a particularly dubious looking street._ _Josh had never felt more out of place in his life! He knew how obvious they were. It felt like every eye in the area was trained on them as they walked._ _Hookers lined the crossroads, bums leaned against walls and sat in corners, litter blew across the street, and stray dogs barked as they passed._  
  
 _“I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore, Toto!” Josh exclaimed with a whistle._  
  
 _“Ce?” asked Benoit with a frown._  
  
 _“Never mind...” Josh replied. “American joke."_  
  
 _It didn’t take long for Benoit to spot a group of around twelve youths... some their age and some older... hanging out in a children’s play park. The gang didn’t seem to be formed along the typical ethnic lines. They were a healthy mix of black, white, Hispanic and Italian extraction…_  
  
 _Benoit patted Josh’s elbow to get his attention; gestured toward the gang’s general direction._  
  
 _Unfortunately his gesture didn’t go unnoticed by the youths. They immediately headed in their direction with menacing gait._  
  
 _“Shit!” Josh muttered under his breath._  
  
 _“You lost or somethin'?” The tall white boy who spoke may have been the leader. He certainly looked older than the others, who had formed a tight circle around them._  
  
 _“Yeah, Dean-boy! They definitely lost,_ _” a younger boy said, flicking a finger at Josh’s jacket. “You sees these threads? These homies are a long way from the boulevard!”_  
  
 _“We are looking for... euh... ze E?” Benoit calmly explained._  
  
 _Josh was seriously ready to wet himself._  
  
 _“What the Fuck?” one of the younger kids exclaimed, and several of the gang burst out laughing._  
  
 _“Were the hell you come from?” asked another._  
  
 _“He’s French,” explained Josh. Wasn’t it obvious? “We’re looking to buy some ecstasy?”_  
  
 _“E, ha?” the leader called Dean asked, his dark green eyes burning into Josh, checking him out._  
  
 _“If good zen maygbe we make it régulier? We do za enterprise?” Benoit suggested._  
  
 _A couple of the youths sniggered once more, obviously finding Benoit’s strange accent highly amusing. They were seriously starting to piss Josh off!_  
  
 _“Hey Nick,” the leader called over his shoulder, “got any E’s for Pepe Le Pew over here?”_  
  
 _That sent the boys over the edge; many of them began to cry from laughter._  
  
 _“Hey!” yelled Josh angrily. “Shut the fuck up!”_ _Josh lunged for one guy his size, but Benoit held him back. And good thing too, as the gang were fast to stand in front of their friend; lifting themselves to full height and glaring with warning at the attacking Josh._  
  
 _“Cool! Cool!” Benoit said both to Josh and the gang. “All okay, yes?”_ _The gang seemed to relax and Benoit let go of his hold on Josh. "_ _We ‘ave a... w_ _hat do you call... a deal?”_  
  
 _Josh stared in amazement at his friend’s calm demeanor. Nothing seemed to faze the guy._  
  
 _“How much you want?” Dean asked._  
  
 _“’ow much you ‘ave?” countered Benoit._  
  
 _One of the other boys, probably Nick, came forward after the tall boy gestured to him. He reached into his jean pocket; produced a Jiffy bag of tiny white pills._  
  
 _“’ow much?” Benoit enquired, as though buying illegal substances on the side of the road was the most natural thing on earth._  
  
 _“50 for the lot,” the leader replied._  
  
 _“40.” Benoit countered._  
  
 _The other boy eyed Benoit for a moment, and then nodded. “You wanna try it first?”_  
  
 _“No,” Benoit shook his head, “if eet not any good we not buy again…”_  
  
 _“It’s good,” the boy assured him._  
  
 _And it was._  
  
 _Each bag purchased from Dean the dealer, lasted them about two weeks, before they’d have to scrape together the money to buy more. They would earn a few dollars selling the occasional pill themselves, but otherwise relied upon the allowances from their Dads. Lucky for them, Benoit's father was carrying around a large amount of guilt where his son was concerned, and tended to shower the boy in luxuries._   
  
***   
  
It took Noah a few sleepy slaps of his hand to find and silence the damnable alarm clock. He would now pay the price for the restless night he’d shared with Luke, anxiously waiting for Josh. But at least the boy was home safe. Whether he was exactly sound remained to be seen, but if Luke’s description of him was anything to go by, Noah doubted it.  
  
He thought he’d lain there for only five minutes, but it was half an hour later when Luke shook him awake. “Noah. You’ve overslept, bubby…”  
  
“Hmm?” He pulled himself up on his elbows with effort, squeezing the bridge of his nose between two fingers. The alarm clock, which now lay on the floor, definitely didn’t show the time he was expecting. “Shit!”  
  
“Don’t worry,” Luke laughed, rolling toward him in the bed. “I’ll make you a quick breakfast while you shower and then you should still make it on time... just!”  
  
Noah jumped up quickly; clumsily headed for the bathroom... but then paused halfway to turn around and return to the bed. He crawled over to where Luke lay and gave him a kiss. “Thanks. You’re the best!”  
  
“Anything for you.” Luke smiled.  
  
Noah Eskimo kissed him; reluctantly left to shower.  
  
***  
  
 _The heroin use started by accident._  
  
 _The first shot of heroin happened a week after Josh returned from camp, where he’d shared his first real kiss and petting session with an actual guy!_  
  
 _His attraction to Benoit had not yet fully-formed in his mind; had even scared him a little. He didn’t know what those feelings were or why he liked Benoit’s occasion kisses, especially since everything he was told by society said that he shouldn’t._  
  
 _Matt... gorgeous, older and more experience... changed all that. Granted Matt didn’t fascinate Josh with the same intensity as Benoit did, but Matt was the person to convince Josh once and for all that he was definitely gay._  
  
 _The thing with Matt was just for fun. Josh didn’t develop any real feelings for the guy, and they parted that summer as friends; promising to stay in touch._  
  
 _It was Benoit Josh really wanted._  
  
 _And it was for this reason that he was willing to sneak off with Benoit late one night to meet Dean on their latest E-run, as Benoit liked to call it._  
  
 _Going down to that neighborhood during the day was one thing; going at night was downright stupid as far as Josh was concerned. But yet again he fell head-over-heals for Benoit’s charms, and thus found himself in a dark alleyway digging cash out of his pocket to hand over to Dean._ _As soon as the cash hit Dean’s hands, the sound of a siren pierced the night; blue lights flashed over the brick walls of the adjoining building, scaring the life out of them._  
  
 _“Fuck! Here!” Dean shoved a bag into Josh’s hand; took off down the alley... scaling the wire fence at the end with practiced ease._  
  
 _“Come on!” shouted Benoit, grabbing at Josh’s collar; dragging Josh along behind him into a scrambled run._  
  
 _As they rounded a corner, they saw their bus just pulling up._  
  
 _With shouts of, “Stop!” and the sounds of loud running footsteps behind them, they both leaped onto the bus, just as the doors closed and the vehicle pulled out onto the road._  
  
 _Bent over... heaving from their crazed run... both boys burst out laughing._  
  
 _“Shit, Benoit,” Josh exclaimed, “that was too close! You’re gonna get me into so much crap one day!”_  
  
 _“Ah, you love eet!” Benoit smiled. “Did ‘e give you ze stuff?”_  
  
 _“Yeah,” Josh replied patting his pocket. “I have it._  
  
 _What he had however, was not the packet of little white pills, but rather a generous helping of a sand-like substance Josh would later use the internet to identify as heroin._  
  
 _Of course Benoit was only too keen to try it._  
  
***  
  
When Mia first arrived to live with them, it was Noah’s intention to convert the second guest room into a space for her. And initially he’d tried to have Mia sleep there. But inevitably he’d wake up in the morning to find Mia curled at Nicholas’s feet.  
  
So when Josh arrived needing a place to stay, Noah gave him the guest room; replaced the double bed in Nicholas’s room with two children sized beds instead. And this arrangement seemed to suit all.  
  
Now on his way toward the kitchen and the delectable smells of breakfast, Noah did a quick check on the babies, even though he knew Luke would have done so already.  
  
Really, Noah just liked to watch them sleep.  
  
Nicholas almost always slept on his side in a ball, like a kitten. And invariably one thumb would have found his mouth, so that periodically his little cheeks would puff in and out as he sucked.  
  
Noah frowned as he ran a thumb along his black hairline. They had arranged for Nicholas to see a child psychiatrist recommended by Betty. And even though Mia seemed outwardly okay, they decided to send her along too. They didn’t know what effect the loss of her family had had on her. And they thought it was most likely a good idea, just to make sure she was okay mentally.  
  
Tiny Mia liked to sleep either on her back or flat on her tummy as she was now. And her long red-blonde eyelashes would flicker, as she dreamed. Noah would have paid money to know what those dreams were.  
  
With that thought in his head, Noah left the room, leaving the door open a crack.

He knocked lightly on Josh’s door, knowing it was time for him to get up for school. “Josh?” he asked, carefully pushing the door open.  
  
The dark and musky room had the unmistakable heat and aroma of a heavy night out. Josh wasn’t there, but an instantly recognizable gagging sound sent Noah in the direction of the guest bathroom.  
  
He knocked. “You okay in there, buddy?” When Noah received nothing but a loud groan or grunt in response, he decided to leave Josh to it. “Better out than in!” he thought to himself, as he padded up the hallway.  
  
“Josh is throwing up,” he informed Luke as he entered the kitchen.  
  
“Yeah well, no surprise there, right?” Luke responded, flipping Noah’s eggs over for a second; quickly lifting them onto a plate to hand to him.  
  
“Thanks,” Noah said, kissing his cheek before taking a seat at the breakfast bar; reaching for a slice of toast from the rack. “Where was he all night anyway?”  
  
“No idea,” Luke responded. “But if he thinks this will get him off school he has a nothing thing coming!”  
  
“Oh harsh, Snyder!” Noah joked. “Maybe Nat’s right, maybe you are turning into Holden!”  
  
That remark earned him a slap to the back of his head.  
  
“Ouch! Hey!” Noah complained rubbing the spot. “Come on, babe! Josh is a good kid most of the time. And it’s not like _you_ never got drunk?”  
  
Luke gave him a look like he couldn’t believe Noah would bring that up.  
  
“Okay,” Noah held up both his hands as a sign of peace. “Sorry.”  
  
Luke scowled at him. “You’re right, I did get drunk! I even have a drinking problem. But I always knew it was wrong, Noah! I never flaunted it in front of my parents as though it were no big deal!”  
  
“Maybe not, but you forget something… we aren’t his parents.”  
  
“No,” Luke agreed, “but at the moment he’s under our care, so it’s pretty much the same thing.”  
  
“Ah… so you would rather he hid it from us then?”  
  
Luke sighed. “I’d rather he didn’t do it at all.”  
  
Luke’s frustrated expression got to Noah. “I know,” Noah agreed more seriously; sympathetic toward Luke's obvious worry over the subject.  
  
Luke joined him at the breakfast bar and they ate in silence for a while, contemplating the situation.

Noah had a thought. “You don’t think he drove home, do you?”  
  
Luke shook his head. “No, I checked. The car’s not there. Somebody must have dropped him off.”  
  
“When did this happen, hey?” Noah asked suddenly.  
  
“What?” Luke asked.  
  
“Only in our early twenties and already responsible for a fully grown teenager?”  
  
As annoyed as Luke was with Josh’s recent behavior, he couldn’t help laughing at that. “I know, right?” he agreed. “One kid and then two kids and now three?”  
  
“We’ll have started a school soon,” Noah laughed.  
  
“Well, you know what?” Luke asked standing and walking around to where Noah sat.  
  
“What’s that?” Noah replied, taking a bite out of his toast.  
  
Luke kissed the top of his head. “I wouldn’t change it for anything!”  
  
Noah smiled as he chewed.  
  
***  
  
In the end Luke allowed Josh to stay home from school, but only after the kid followed Noah halfway down the drive, then threw up in a bed of roses. Noah looked at Luke pleadingly, feeling extremely sorry for the kid and Luke relented.  
  
“Fine!” he huffed. “Get back inside, Josh.”  
  
The look of relief on Josh’s face was palpable as he guiltily passed Luke through the front door.  
  
Noah smiled; blew Luke a goodbye kiss, and Luke shook his head at him, but he returned the smile. The guy was so sweet.  
  
Back in the house he found Josh had landed half on and half off his bed. His eyes were closed, but Luke didn’t think he was asleep, just protecting his shattered and dehydrated brain from the painful effects of bright sunlight.  
  
“Come on then,” Luke said, softer now than he’d been all morning. He helped Josh move further up the bed, positioning him on his back until he was comfortable. It was as Josh lifted his arm to shield his eyes that Luke noticed the bruising behind his right elbow. “Hey, Josh?”  
  
“Hmph?”  
  
“What happened to your arm?”  
  
Josh opened one eye; checked the spot Luke was stroking with one finger.  
  
“Oh... um... blood donation…” Josh replied.  
  
Luke laughed. “Please tell me you DID NOT donate blood after drinking!”  
  
“No, no.” Josh assured him. “It was before. They came to the school.”  
  
“Well, it’s nice to know you’re doing your civic duty and not just acting like an idiot!”  
  
Josh opened both eyes as Luke drew the curtains to his room closed. “I’m really sorry Luke, okay?” he said earnestly.  
  
Luke looked at him.  
  
“Really!” Josh assured him. “We won the tennis tournament against City College! We were just celebrating and I kind of over did it.”  
  
“Kind of?” Luke smiled.  
  
“Okay, I over did it!” Josh agreed. “It won’t happen again. I promise.”  
  
Luke sat next to him on the bed and patted his arm. “Good. We were really worried, Josh.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“All I ask is that you let one of us know if you’re going to be home late.”  
  
“I will, I promise.”  
  
“And Josh?” Luke asked.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“No late nights during the week, okay?”  
  
There was a pause, but eventually Josh said, “Sure.”

Luke smiled again. “Okay, good. I’m going to make you some dry toast and fetch you some water. It will help.”  
  
“Thanks,” Josh muttered.  
  
The boy was quickly nodding off. 


	3. Chapter 3

_A mammoth knot of anxiety sat heavy in the pit of Josh's stomach, as he stood before the door to the house he’d grown up in; the closure of which was a sign of rejection and banishment.  
  
_ Banished.   
  
_Sniffing, he swallowed hard; stared at his feet, realizing he wasn’t wearing any shoes. He could hear his parents screaming at each other from inside the house, but he couldn’t make out what they were saying. The whole building seemed to emanate tension._  
  
 _He had to hold himself back from banging on the door... begging for forgiveness and promising to be the perfect son they wanted. If only they would stop fighting. If only they could go back to normal._  
  
 _But he knew he couldn’t do that. Their version of normal was a lie._  
  
 _He sat down with a thud on the step; his back up against the door. He rested his head on the frame, staring out into the neighborhood at the normality of houses and cars and trees. They were just the same as always, but his life wasn’t._  
  
 _He gripped his ankles in his hands; lowered his head between his knees._ _His eye was really starting to throb from the punch his father gave him. He still couldn’t believe his father actually hit him._  
  
 _He cried then._  
  
 _He sobbed miserably on the step for ages... hoping... wanting to believe that at any second one of them would let him back in. Surely they wouldn’t be okay with him disappearing into the city this late at night._  
  
 _Surely they couldn’t hate him forever?_  
  
 _Eventually he reached a point when he couldn’t cry anymore. He wiped his snotty nose on his shirt and stood up, looking around as though the answer to his problems would suddenly appear before him._  
  
 _He didn’t have his phone or any money._  
  
 _His instinct was to head straight for Benoit’s house. And he would have done, except for the fact that Benoit wasn’t there. His father had jetted them back to Paris for two weeks to visit with his mother._  
  
 _Josh couldn't reach out to any of his other friends. They’d want to know what happened and then he’d have to tell them he was gay. He wasn’t ready for that! Especially not now, after this reaction from his own family!_  
  
 _He started to walk aimlessly._  
  
 _***_  
  
Luke had been staring at the flashing curser on a blank screen for over fifteen minutes, but he felt uninspired to write just then. The afternoon session with the therapist had left both kids in a strange solemnest that bothered Luke somewhat. He thought therapy was supposed to help, not take two usually happy children and turn them into depressed zombies.  
  
The therapist explained that children tended to deal with things day-by-day... as they arose... using the past to help navigate new experiences. Any unusual behaviors, such as Nicholas’s issues with food, could be attributed to negative experiences from their past.  
  
"As much as a person would want a child to be happy, and to shield a child from those past negative memories, it's never a good idea to allow them to bury them entirely. They would only arise from their latent state in later life, often causing heartache, depression or other mental illness." the doctor told him.  
  
It was important they forced the children into confronting those past negatives, until they were comfortable talking about them.  
  
“It’s natural for a child to believe adults when those adults call him or her stupid or blame the child for their own adult shortfalls.” The therapist explained, “Children look to adults for guidance. We need to make sure these kids know that what happened to them wasn’t their fault.”  
  
Luke’s thoughts were interrupted then by a loud shriek from down the hallway. He jumped off his chair and made his way toward it.  
  
“No!” Nicholas was screaming from the bedroom, and Luke could hear tiny grunts off of Mia.  
  
“What’s going on?” Luke asked, just entering the room in time to see Nicholas topple backward as Mia lost her grip on the book they held between them.  
  
“It’s my book! It’s mine!” Nicholas insisted passionately, from his position on the floor.  
  
Mia burst out crying.  
  
It was his book to be fair, but it was also immediately clear to Luke that he only wanted it because Mia had decided to play with it.  
  
“What’s the matter Nicky?” he asked, “you always share with Mia...”  
  
“It’s my book!” he restated, with a look of stubbornness so like Noah’s, Luke struggled not to laugh.  
  
“Yes Nicky. It is your book, but is there any reason why Mia can’t read it?”  
  
“I want… to read… the Noah book!” Mia hiccupped through her tears.  
  
 _Oh._  
  
Since Luke first gave him the book, Noah’s Ark had become Nicholas’s prized possession; which he usually kept under the pillow on his bed.  
  
Mia must have made the mistake of removing the book from there.  
  
“I see,” said Luke, “it’s the special book, ha?”  
  
Nicholas nodded defiantly.  
  
“Okay,” Luke thought for a moment, looking from one child to the next. “Let’s say I was to sit here and read the story to both of you, would that work?”  
  
Nicholas regarded him for a moment; turned his blue eyes on Mia.  
  
“Come on now, Nicky,” Luke couched, “say sorry to Mia and we can have a nice read of the story.”  
  
Nicholas stood, brushed himself down and tentatively handed the book up to Luke. “Sowwy,” he told Mia; climbed up onto the bed, hanging his feet over the edge in preparation to be read to.  
  
Luke smiled and sat beside him, kissing the top of his head and reaching an arm around him, just as Mia clambered up onto his knee.  
  
“Okay, let’s start then. Noah’s Ark.”  
  
In all the times he’d read the story to Nicholas, the boy had never once seemed concerned for all the people and animals who didn’t get to shelter from the flood in the safety of the boat. So long as those in the boat made it he was happy. But for some unknown reason the question came to the boy then, and although he was pretty satisfied with Luke’s explanation, Mia was not.  
  
“But why?” Mia asked again, worry wrinkling her forehead.  
  
“Because there was only space on the boat for the two-by-twos,” Luke tried to explain.  
  
“But all the other people got left-ted in the water?” she moaned.  
  
“I’m afraid so, baby.”  
  
She frowned down at the book.  
  
“Because they were bad?” she asked softly.  
  
“I guess so, yes.”  
  
Her little hand came up to scratch her nose at this and then she said something that made Luke’s blood run cold. “Mommy left-ted me in the water.”  
  
His throat tightened.  
  
They had often wondered how much she remembered, but this was the first mention she ever made of the time her suicidal mother tried to drown her in the bath. In fact, this was the first time, other than occasional mention of her father, that Mia even spoke of her old life. Perhaps the therapy session that morning had stirred those memories.  
  
“Was I bad?” the little girl continued, oblivious to the effect she was having on the man beside her.  
  
“No, baby,” he kissed her cheek in reassurance; tried to keep the tremor from his voice.  
  
“Mia’s mommy left her in the water?” asked Nicholas curiously.  
  
Luke noted the lack of disbelief in Nicholas’s query. This was a child after all, who’s own understanding of a mother was one of violence and neglect.  
  
“Mia’s mommy was very sick, Nicky,” Luke explained before smiling at Mia sympathetically. “She didn’t mean to hurt you baby, okay?”  
  
Mia looked back down at the book and silently fiddled with the page corners.  
  
“Do you want to tell me,” Luke asked hesitantly, “about your mommy?”  
  
She shook her head, slipped off his lap; proceeded to play with the small doll’s house in the corner of the room; carefully keeping her back to him.  
  
Luke didn’t try to push her. He left her to it, occupied Nicholas with a puzzle and returned to his writing.  
  
An hour later, the screen was still blank.  
  
 _***_  
  
 _While he was in suburbia, being barefoot was okay; he could stay on the cool grass of the well-manicured lawns. It was only as he reached the highway that the lack of shoes started to become a problem. Stones and bits of broken glass cut painfully at his feet. He had to sit down a few times to pull them out._  
  
 _Without actually formulating the route in his head, somehow Josh found himself in the San Fernando Valley. He blinked away the blinders he’d had on during the entire journey; half walked and half achieved by sneaking on the bus without paying._  
  
 _He was surprised to find himself there._  
  
 _It was just…_  
  
 _He felt like…_  
  
 _It would help him escape…_  
  
 _The lamp-lit street was as busy as ever. Nobody slept this side of town. He headed for the usual alleyway, looking for somebody who could help him out._  
  
 _He didn’t find Dean, but he did find one of the other kids whose name he didn’t know._  
  
 _“Lost again, princess?” the boy asked him, leaning back against the side of a building. His dark eyes immediately took in Josh’s appearance. “Someone steal your kicks or somethin?”_  
  
 _Josh ignored the comment, “I’m looking for Dean.”_ _He tried to sound confident, even though inside he was about to explode from suppressed emotion. Emotion he didn’t want to feel._ _He swallowed away another large lump and asked, “Is he around?”_  
  
 _The drug would give him a few minutes peace; then he could gather his thoughts without the swirl of emotion in his gut._  
  
 _If he could only persuade Dean._  
  
 _“Looking to score?”_

 _The other voice came up unexpectedly behind him and Josh couldn’t help the way his body jumped. The kid seemed to have formed from the shadows._  
  
 _Josh’s nervousness was not going undetected by the first boy._  
  
 _He turned and recognized the other kid as Nick._  
  
 _“Yeah,” he answered, “you have any?”_  
  
 _“E?” Nick was chewing on a stick of gum._  
  
 _Josh shook his head in the negative._  
  
 _“H?” The kid asked, his lips curing into a knowing smile._  
  
 _Josh ignored his smirk and nodded._  
  
 _“Yeah, I got some,” Nick informed him, “but you still owes me from the last pick up.”_  
  
 _“What?” Asked Josh confused. They had definitely paid Dean the last time._  
  
 _“Your friend was 'ere last week asking for a spot. We don’t normally dos that, but you’s good customers. He said you's guys would pay on your next pick up. So show me the dough and I’ll show you the stuff. You know how it works.”_  
  
 _Suddenly Josh had a nasty feeling things were about to get tricky._  
  
 _“Um,” Josh said, “I was kinda hoping you would spot me.”_  
  
 _“What the fuck?” the kid against the wall stood up straight then._  
  
 _“This some kind of joke?” Nick asked; his voice suddenly changing form cordial to menacing._  
  
 _“Look,” explained Josh, “I didn’t know he came down here alone. I didn’t know about the spot, okay?”_  
  
 _“Talk shit!” Nick exclaimed. “You think we stupid or somethin?”_  
  
 _Josh shook his head to assure them he did not think that._  
  
 _“You think we don’t know all the cons? He comes down first and then you comes down and then we never sees payment?”_  
  
 _Josh didn’t like the way this was going and even less so when two more of the gang suddenly appeared behind Nick._  
  
Where did they come from?   
  
_“Well,” Josh tried to reason, “I’ve had a really bad night as you can see and I don’t have any money. So either you can spot me and get paid next time, or you get nothing.”_  
  
 _It was a mistake._  
  
 _“Turn him over!” Nick demanded._

 _Before Josh knew it he was struggling; sheltering his head on the ground as the gang held him down; turned out his pockets._  
  
 _“Nada, Nick,” one member exclaimed, “the kids got nothin!”_  
  
 _“You fuck! What the fuck is this?” Nick kicked Josh hard in the ribs, and it seemed to spark frenzy among the others. The tips of hard shoes dug into him from all angles as he screamed for mercy._  
  
 _“Hey," it was an authoritative voice that Josh recognized, “stop!”_  
  
 _Blessed relief came, and the kicking stopped. He looked up over his arm; recognized Dean above him. The older boy held out his hand; pulled a shaky Josh to his feet._  
  
 _“What the hell’s going on here?” Dean asked._  
  
 _“The kid ain’t got payment, Dean-Boy,” Nick explained, “not for last week’s spot! And now he’s here demanding more!”_  
  
 _“That true?” Dean asked Josh and Josh could only nod. “I see. Well, Josh, ain’t it?”_  
  
 _Josh nodded, shivering._  
  
 _“Your friend owes us for last week, and 'til that debt is paid there’s no spot for you, you dig?”_  
  
 _Josh nodded again. He just wanted to get out of there._  
  
 _“So you go home and dip into that collage trust fund of yours and pay me next time, okay?”_  
  
 _Another nod._  
  
 _Dean reached into his coat pocket and produced a few coins._  
  
 _“Here,” he said, “take the bus back home and don’t be coming down here with no dough, you hear me?”_  
  
 _***_  
  
“Wow,” Noah whispered, after Luke finished filling him in on the incident with Mia, “poor baby. I can't even bring myself to think about her..."

"I know," Luke agreed sadly. 

"So, what did the therapist say?” Noah asked.  
  
“Not much really,” Luke said, massaging Noah’s foot in both his hands, “mostly she just explained the basic psychology of children and then she spent a few minutes with each of them. I guess she needs time before she can make any kind of real assessment.”  
  
They sat on either end of the couch as they talked. Noah had one leg resting across Luke’s knees.  
  
“And Nicky,” Noah asked; wincing as Luke found a particularly tight spot near his big toe, “was he okay with her?”  
  
“Well, not really. She wanted to see them both on their own, but Nicholas point-blank refused, of course.”  
  
Noah smiled gently.  
  
“Mia was okay with it,” Luke continued. “The doctor spent quite a bit of time with her alone. That’s why I don’t know whether Mia bringing it all up today had something to do with the therapy.”  
  
“Well,” Noah suggested, “I guess we need to ask Dr. Mishra next time.”  
  
“Yeah. Anyway, I was there for Nicky’s session and he didn’t say a word to her.”  
  
Noah laughed. “He will! You know it just takes him some time to get used to strangers.”  
  
“I still can’t believe this, you know?” Luke said.  
  
“What’s that?”  
  
Luke shifted up until they were sitting side-by-side; swept his eyes over Noah’s face.  
  
“Last year,” Luke continued, resting his left elbow on the edge of the sofa; reaching up to twist Noah’s fringe around his finger, “when I was missing you so much and trying to pretend that I wasn’t dreaming of a life with you,” he laughed slightly; marveled at how he was now able to laugh about something that had once been so painful, “I never in a million years imagined that only a few months later, I’d be married to you and we’d have three kids!”  
  
Noah laughed too, grabbing at Luke’s hand; kissing his fingers. “I know! If somebody had said that to me then; I’d have had them committed!”  
  
“We were such a mess!” Luke said.  
  
“Not anymore,” Noah smiled.  
  
“No,” Luke leaned over to kiss him gently, “now we’re near perfect.”  
  
 _***_  
  
 _As Josh rode the bus minutes later, he realized with some level of worry, that he hadn't been thinking about the fact he was homeless, or about the dangerous situation he just put himself in._ _All he could think about was the lack of heroin._  
  
Damn Benoit! He must have wanted something to take back to Paris with him! Shit!   
  
_Other people riding the bus shied away from him._ _Josh felt suddenly very alone. The closer the bus got to home, the more he remembered that he couldn’t go there. Those feelings he'd kept at bay since he left the house were sneaking their way back to the surface._  
  
 _If only he could call Natalie. At least she was one person in the world he could talk to. And_ _as that thought came to him, he realized there were two other people he could potentially talk to._ _Pretty soon he found himself in front of Luke and Noah’s house. He hesitated, but eventually worked up the courage, having no other options available. He rang the buzzer twice, knowing they would be asleep._  
  
 _He waited, and when there was no answer he began to panic. He was sure Natalie said they weren’t going away on honeymoon. He rang again, this time holding the buzzer down a little longer._  
  
 _He jumped when the outside light came on, and the door opened to a bedraggled and tired looking Noah. The man's dark eyebrows were raised in surprise to see Josh on his doorstep._  
  
 _Suddenly Josh wished he hadn’t done this._ _“I’m so sorry," he sniffed pathetically._  
  
 _He heard Luke call Noah’s name; saw him arriving shirtless from the direction of the bedroom._  
  
 _“Shit!” he thought to himself. “These guys have just gotten married! Way to ruin it for them, Josh!”_  
  
 _“I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have come here… it was a mistake… I… I… I’m sorry…”_  
  
 _As he made to leave, Noah held out a hand to him. “No wait!”_  
  
 _The gesture was simple, but so welcoming that Josh almost ran into his arms._  
  
 _“It’s okay, Josh,” Noah’s voice was kind and concerned._  
  
 _He felt so lost and alone, and as much as he knew he should go, as much as he knew his problems weren’t theirs, he was desperate to stay._  
  
 _“Josh,” Noah continued, "it’s okay. Come in.”_  
  
 _Josh would later feel bad at allowing Luke and Noah to believe his father caused all of his injuries, but there was no way he could tell them about the San Fernando Valley._  
  
 _And he definitely couldn't tell them how scared he was of the realization that for the first time ever, he really, really,_ needed _a hit._


	4. Chapter 4

_Noah was hurt._

_Noah was on the way to the hospital in a fucking ambulance and it was all his fault!_ _Josh had already destroyed his own family, and now he had pitched up, uninvited into their lives, and done the same to them!_

_And his father?_

_His own father, always considered by many to be the level-headed one, had slammed Noah with Josh’s baseball bat._

_It was impossible to believe and yet it was the truth!_

_It was his little sister who told him. She called Luke’s number using Josh’s mobile phone. He’d left it in it’s charger by the side of the bed._

_“Josh!" she screamed, terrified. “Daddy’s done something really bad! The police took him!”_

_When she told him the full story, Josh couldn’t face it! His body... especially his hands... shook. He panicked because of it._ _Knowing what he did about Noah, he convinced Luke he needed to fetch some books from school, and hightailed out of there as fast as he could run._

_He didn’t want to be there!_

_He couldn’t be the one to tell Luke, and he definitely didn’t want to see the look on Luke’s face when he found out!_

_Benoit’s locker usually held a supply of weed, and it didn’t let Josh down when he finally made it to the school. He grabbed the bag and fled._

_Having nowhere to go, he returned to the house; waited outside in the road until he saw Luke and his friend Casey drive off in Casey’s beat-up old Ford._ _Even from that distance, he saw the fear on Luke’s face and it made him sick. He vomited beside a nearby tree._

_Returning to the house, he had to sit and endure the pain of Noah’s friend Maddie, explaining what had happened, all the while pretending he didn’t already know._ _And then worse, the later news that Noah was blinded by the attack._

_The stress made the need for a hit even more intense, but Maddie and Alison wouldn’t leave him alone long enough to smoke his stash._ _He had to wait an entire day of agony with them, helping to entertain Nicholas and Mia._

_The following evening, the two woman, Jonathan and the children fell asleep during a movie marathon._ _Josh slipped outside the sliding glass door to sit on the patio and roll a smoke. He needed to think. Luke would be back in the morning and then he’d be on the streets for sure! There was no way Luke would allow him to stay after what his father did to Noah._

_“Hey…”_

_The sound of Luke’s voice made him jump, almost giving him heart failure. Luckily he had the foresight to hold on tightly to the supplies in his hands. He hid them in his fists._

_Fearing not only that Luke would discover his reason for being outside, but also the inevitable retaliation from a man who’s husband was now in the hospital because of Josh, he sought immediate escape._ _“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he tried to assure Luke. “They said you wouldn’t be back tonight… I’ll go…!”_

_But Luke slid the door closed; stood in his path._

_“Here it comes,” Josh thought, and a part of him hoped Luke would punch him. He deserved it._

_But Luke didn’t hit him, instead he asked, “Go where?”_

_Josh wanted to die. Right then and there! He felt the weed staining his palms as his fingernails dug into his skin._

_“Josh?” Luke was waiting for him and when Josh lifted his eyes Luke asked, “Where are you going?”_

_Their exchange from that point on hit Josh with such a force of guilt and relief, that he found it difficult to formulate words. Luke wanted him to stay. Luke and Noah didn’t blame him._

_Josh was once again struck by how incredible these two men were._

_And here he was, repaying their kindness by smoking it up in their backyard! He was suddenly intensely relieved he hadn’t had time to light the joint. Luke would have smelt it and then it would have been all over!_

_He felt ashamed._

_After Luke left him there, sitting on that top wooden step, Josh made a promise never to do any drug again! With great effort, he chucked the weed under a berry bush and spent that night in a deep, almost painful and sleepless sweat._

***

The main office of the LA Daily News, was situated in the middle of Woodland Hills in LA's diverse San Fernando Valley. The newspaper had a circulation area which included eastern Ventura County and Northern Los Angeles County.

The office building itself was a strange layered, square and white concrete structure, reminding Luke somewhat of a parking arcade. 

Since the newspaper boasted a history of more than 90 years, it was no surprise that the institution’s façade should appear so dated. 

The inside fared no better. Built in the years before businesses cottoned on to the benefits of open-plan working environments, the LA Daily News was a rabbit’s warren of small, medium and large office rooms and passage ways. Fortunately, sometime during the 70’s, some or other company president saw the desperate need for a proper functioning newsroom; thoughtfully had an extension built onto the original structure.

And it was to this extremely busy and frantic section of the building that Luke was ushered on his first day at work. The bird-like receptionist left him standing there before he could stop her. He glanced around feeling suddenly very conspicuous. 

“Luke!” he turned to find Jarvis Dimbleby swerving a path through his busy co-workers.

Luke smiled, relieved to finally find a familiar face among all the chaos. “Hello, Jarvis.”

Jarvis patted Luke fondly on his back. “You’re just in time for the daily team briefing my boy! Follow me.”

They entered a rather large and imposing boardroom, decorated with framed portraits of past editors, as well as one of Jarvis himself.

A number of people, both male and female, milled around a coffee machine and selection of donuts set to one side of the room.

“Help yourself to a snack and then take a seat Luke,” Jarvis instructed. “Anywhere will do.”

Being far to nervous to try eating anything, Luke chose instead to seat himself quietly halfway up the table. That way he would have a good view of his future colleagues.

Jarvis began clapping his hands. “Come on everybody, stop dilly-dallying! Get seated so we can begin.”

There was a loud kerfuffle of scraping seats and hurriedly finished conversation, until eventually all eyes were waiting expectantly for Jarvis to begin. 

“Okay! Good morning, everybody! Before start our circle-briefing I’d just like to welcome our newest member of staff.” All eyes feel on Luke, but it was the eyes of the woman seated opposite him that most caught his attention. She seemed to be scrutinizing him with much more interest than all the rest. “This is Luke Snyder, he will be starting as a junior reporter today. I hope you will make him feel welcome... show him the ropes and all that!”

“Luke Snyder,” the dark-haired woman asked, leaning forward to get a better view of him, “as in Grimaldi?”

Luke raised a warning glance at her.

But she was in no way intimidated. “You are Luciano Grimaldi, am I right?”

There was a collective gasp from a few people seated around the table.

“Now Jenna…?” Jarvis began.

But the women was like a fox on a scent. “I’m sure you must have some idea as to the reasons behind the mob war on a Grimaldi ship not so long ago?”

Luke frowned at her. She looked extremely familiar all of a sudden.

“And I’m convinced your office bombing was somehow linked to all that too… Am I getting warmer?”

Luke suddenly recognized the women as a reporter who had so relentlessly pursued him for an interview back then. He was about to speak, but before he could Jarvis took control. “I apologize for Jenna, Luke. She is our star reporter and has a specialist interest in the various gangster families in the city. But let’s get to business...”

As Jarvis addressed each of his reporters in turn... so that he might be briefed on their various stories... Luke locked eyes with Jenna. When the meeting adjourned and Jarvis escorted Luke into his private office, Luke turned angrily on him. “Is this why you hired me?” 

“I’m sorry?” Jarvis asked.

“Did you bring me onboard in the hopes I’d spill the dirt on what happened with GS?”

“Of course not, Luke! Like I told you before, I had no idea you were a Grimaldi until after I sent you that letter.”

Luke spent a moment surveying the larger man. He didn’t appear to be lying.

“Well,” Luke stipulated, “just so it’s clear? I won’t be answering any questions with regards to that chapter in my life.”

Jarvis cocked his head at Luke, and Luke could see that reporter curiosity flashing in his green eyes. Luke knew he was asking a lot of Jarvis. The GS story would be a huge scoop if Luke was to give them the missing answers other newspapers were still working to ascertain. Finally Jarvis relented. “Fine. Though it’s a tough one for me, you understand? Would make one hell of a story! And I can’t promise that Jenna wont try to wear you down.”

“Well,” replied Luke, “she can try, but she won’t get anywhere.”

***

“Giddy-up horsie! Giddy-up!” Mia giggled loudly, pulling on the belt Josh held between his teeth. The kids had him on hands and knees, giving them both a ride around the living room floor. Nicholas held Mia tightly around her waist, after reluctantly agreeing to give her control of the reigns. Josh neighed and snorted loudly, much to their amusement and sped up as instructed by Mia. The children screeched with delight; bounced up and down on his back.

“Ouch, you two,” Josh complained. “Go easy!”

“Hey,” complained Nicholas, “horses don’t talk!”

“Oh yeah?” Josh asked.

“Yeah!” Nicholas insisted.

“Yeah!” Agreed Mia.

“How do you know?” Josh asked.

Nicholas took a moment thinking about that one. “Because they never say anything.”

“But,” Josh countered with a smile, "you never used to say anything to me either and you could talk.”

Nicholas hopped off Josh’s back at that; walked around to lower his face to Josh’s so their noses were touching. Nicholas’s eyes went all squint and Josh laughed. “But horses are animals, silly!” the child stated seriously. 

“He’s right, you know?” Luke said, just entering the room to catch the end of the conversation.

“See?” said Nicholas with satisfaction at being proven right. If Luke said it was so, then it was so. 

“Okay,” Josh relented, standing as Mia also hopped off his back, “you win, little guy!”

“He always seems to,” Luke laughed. “Must run in the Mayer DNA or something!”

“What’s D…D…?”

“DNA,” Josh said.

“What’s DNA?” Nicholas asked with his usual curiosity.

“It’s the stuff we are made of.”

Nicholas frowned. “What are we made of?”

“Mostly water,” Josh informed him.

A look of amazement crossed Nicholas’s face, but before he could ask anymore questions Noah arrived from the bedroom. “Bath time kiddies!”

“Oh no!” Nicholas moaned.

Noah scooped him up with a smile, making the boy laugh. “Oh yes! Because you are stinky!”

“You are stinky!” Nicholas laughed back. 

Noah made a great show of sniffing loudly at Nicholas’s stomach. 

“Nope,” Noah exclaimed, “it’s definitely a stinky Nicky smell!”

“Can we have bubbles?” Nicholas chimed.

“Yes, I think there is some bubble-bath there for you two munchkins!”

“Noah did you know people are made-ded of water?”

“Really?” Still holding Nicholas, Noah turned to make his way down the hall. “Come on Mia!” he called, expecting that she would follow.

“No, thank you,” she replied quietly. 

During their conversation, she had seated herself on the floor; was paging through a book on puppies. 

Noah stopped in his path; turned to watch her, frowning with a deep worry that made Josh wonder. “Mia, it’s bath time now,” Noah said sternly.

Josh watched Mia with interest. Since he’d been living in the house, he’d never seen her refuse Noah anything. 

“Mia,” Luke tried, standing up from the table where he had sat to write, “we all have to bath baby, okay?”

Luke gave Noah a look that Josh couldn’t read, but Noah left with Nicholas to start the bath. Luke approached Mia slowly. “What’s the matter,” he asked, “why don’t you want to bath tonight?”

Mia just shrugged. 

Luke regarded her for some time and the child ignored him, just continued to page through the book.

“Mia,” Luke had obviously decided to try the strict approach, “I want you to listen and come with me to the bathroom now please.”

To Josh’s amazement there was absolutely no response from Mia.

Eventually Luke simply stepped forward; lifted her up and started for the hallway. But Mia let off such a blood-curdling scream of fear that it even brought Noah running back to the room. 

Luke set her down and hugged her into him. “Okay,” he said softly. “Okay, baby. It’s all right. I’m sorry. Shh.”

Josh watched as Luke’s sad eyes locked with Noah’s over the child’s head. He wondered what they were communicating between themselves. Luke nodded at Noah that he had the situation under control, and Noah returned to finish Nicholas’s bath. 

Luke and Noah were definitely dealing with some issues with both Mia and Nicholas. Josh didn’t know what they were, but he’d noticed a slight change in both of the kids.

“Okay Mia,” Luke said gently, kissing her hair, “no bath tonight then, okay?”

Her little head nodded. 

Josh wondered why Luke gave in so easily. 

“We’re just going to go to your room and get you ready for bed. Mia nodded and Luke made to carry her off, but before he left he turned to Josh. “Noah and I might take a walk to the beach later tonight. Can you just listen out for them in case they wake up?”

“Sure,” Josh nodded. 

“Thanks,” Luke smiled. “It’s nice having you around, Josh.”

The familiar sense of guilt gripped Josh once more.

***

Noah placed a hand on Luke’s hair, feeling it’s softness and depth; hair like summer, like sunshine, golden apples and clear water. His eyes met Luke's... his submerged hand laying motionless in the thickness of Luke's curls. He dropped his gaze to Luke’s mouth; wanted to bask in the warmth and comfort he could feel bubbling inside the man. He kiss Luke then; pulled away with a smile... taking his hand and leading him further along the darkened sand. 

They strolled alongside the ocean for a time, finally settling down on a dune that fell almost directly into the water. Without a word, Noah turned Luke’s head by the chin to kiss him once more. In the salty darkness, it always seemed such a perfectly appropriate thing to be doing; to be inside each other’s arms kissing. Even when he was blind he had seen those familiar flares of color behind his eyes whenever their lips met; small bursts of orange and red. 

The stress of the night’s events with Mia began to ease for both of them, and as usual Noah felt the strength of their connection. He was possessed of the perfect knowledge that he had, all of his life, been meant for Luke. It was an undeniable truth Noah knew from the first time they’d declared their love for each other. And this truth was that inside, beyond the skin and his skeletal structure... deep inside... Luke had more valid a claim on his identity than he did. Luke owned his heart totally... 

At times like these, when they felt so at one with each other, they never spoke. They simply spent the time wrapped in the sea breeze; would eventually make a path back toward the house... purposefully.

Quietly careful not to wake the sleeping children, they slipped into their room, locking the door and leaving the lights off. They watched each other undress in the darkness; Noah pressing soft kisses of praise all over Luke’s body. He felt giddier and drunker by the minute, wanting to go on feeling drunk and naked for the rest of his life. He reveled in Luke’s satisfied murmurs; the tender way Luke held his face between his hands; kissed him into the sex... inducing Noah to follow his lead. 

Luke, this beautiful man... his perfect other half. 

Noah loved the satisfaction he got from being able to give Luke pleasure in bed. They were beautiful together, Noah thought... shivering sleepily inside of Luke’s arms... even after everything, they were still perfectly beautiful. 

They fortified themselves for the storm they both felt coming. They would shelter each other and the kids.


	5. Chapter 5

“Jarvis wants to print my stories from the detention center,” Luke said to Noah, finally getting to sit down on the couch after another hectic day at the paper, “as installments. He thinks it would make for a good general interest piece.” 

“And?” Noah asked, one hand absentmindedly reaching over, stroking at Luke’s thigh.

“And I’m still thinking about it,” Luke said, leaning over to give Noah a light, quick kiss. 

It wasn’t enough for Noah. He shifted across and kissed Luke back, a little longer, and a little less lightly.

“I think you should do it,” Noah hummed, inching in still closer, “you can still have it published as a book after the fact.”

Luke eased his hands under Noah’s t-shirt, covered Noah's breast with his palms, and kissed him again, importantly, deeply. Skillfully and ardently he ran his fingers over all the most sensitive spots on Noah's skin. Noah groaned with pleasure, Luke knowing all the right buttons to press.

“I don’t know,” Luke said as they moved to lie flat across the couch together, “I guess I’m still nervous people won’t like it.”

Noah’s nose was buried deep within his neck by this point and he had to extract himself to say, “Jarvis liked it, and he’s an expert! So will you please stop with the self doubt thing?”

Luke smiled. “I love you bub-mm.”

Noah silenced him from above with another warm kiss and Luke sighed pleasurably, relaxing totally under his weight; feeling completely absorbed by him.

“Have you had any more trouble from the Jenna lady?” Noah asked as he came up for breath.

Luke shook his head, running his fingers through the curls at the tops of Noah’s ears. “No. I think Jarvis has warned her off. But I catch her looking at me sometimes, so I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before she strikes.”

“Well, when she does, I'm sure she’ll have met her match!” Noah giggled.

Luke snorted. 

He closed his eyes as Noah’s hand sought the side of his face, lingering there with a feather’s touch, while he lipped his way under Luke’s chin. Noah’s kisses stopped for a while and Luke opened his eyes to see the blue eyes close to his, examining him with intense concentration. 

“What are you doing?” Luke asked with a grin.

“Just looking,” Noah replied with a contented smile, “because I can...”

Luke was immediately struck by a sudden and desperate need to make love; unable to stand the thought of waiting another second. 

Right now, that minute, he wanted to make love! 

Impossible. Of course he would have to wait, what with Mia and Nicholas wide awake and playing just outside in the yard; their high pitched giggles periodically reminding both men of their close proximity. 

But, god, how he desired this other man! Forever, and definitely _right now_! 

He lifted one of Noah’s hands and studied his lovely long fingers, overly aware of the way Noah’s thumb grazed his skin, catching every now and then on Luke’s wedding band. 

“How many hours before the kids are asleep?” he asked Noah with wanton eyes.

Noah laughed and blew a hot breath into Luke’s ear making him gasp.

“Noah!” he groaned with frustration. 

His smile flourishing, Noah lifted back up to gaze deeply at Luke. “You a little horny, Snyder?” he teased, grounding his hips. 

“You… ah… know it,” Luke complained, gripping Noah around his waist, “and you also know how much I hate having to wait!”

Luke leaned up and kissed him urgently, Noah meeting that kiss with equal measure. 

He was just in the process of tweaking Noah’s right nipple, when they heard a key turn in the front door and they both shot up quickly to sitting; grinning naughtily at each other as Noah adjusted his shirt. 

Josh walked in none the wiser and smiled at both of them, closing the door behind him.

“Hey,” he greeted.

“Hi Josh,” Luke answered, “we thought you’d be at least another hour.”

Noah cleared his throat from the other side of the couch.

“Yeah, um,” Josh said, seeming to stubble over his words for some reason, “um, Coach wasn’t… feeling too good… so we finished early. 

He dumped his bag at the dining table and turned to lean back against it, watching them timidly.

“Nat’s been trying to get hold of you,” Luke told him. “She says she hasn’t spoken to you in a while. She really misses you.”

“Oh,” Josh sniffed, “um… something must be wrong with my phone… okay, I’ll call her.”

“Everything okay?” Noah asked, twisting around and leaning his arm across the back of the couch to look at the boy; obviously also sensing the same hesitancy in Josh that Luke was.

Since the night Josh returned home drunk, the two of them had tried to keep a closer eye on him; getting Josh to check in with them more regularly without encroaching too much on his privacy. 

“Oh yeah! Thanks! I’m great.” He assured them.

“Have you heard from your Mom?” Luke asked, wondering if this was why Josh seemed out of sorts.

“No, but I thought maybe I’d go by there tomorrow or something. I need to talk to her about my allowance and I think my car’s due a service too.”

“Great idea!” Luke said. “It’s good for you to find time to spend with her. She will come around, you know? It took my mom a while before she accepted I was gay. But once she did, she became my most ardent supporter! So don’t give up on yours, okay?”

Josh nodded with a small smile.

“Luke’s right,” Noah agreed, “your mother is trying to understand. And that’s at least a first step...”

Josh’s face fell somewhat. “I know I’ve been staying here longer than you expected. But is that okay? I mean... I can get Mom to pay for a hotel or something if you want me to go…”

“No! Not at all!” Luke said with a reassuring smile. “We told you… You can stay for as long as you need. We just want things to work out for you, that’s all. Because they’re your family and it’s where you belong.”

Josh nodded again and then, pointing toward the door said, “I was going to go for a quick swim down the beach, if that’s okay.”

Noah’s head did an immediate lift at that and his eyes locked with Luke’s. “Um, you couldn’t take Nicky and Mia down for an hour or two, could you?”

Luke almost whooped with joy and it was Noah who played it cool.

There was a considerable pause from Josh. 

“Um,” Josh looked suddenly uncomfortable, “um… yeah… yeah of course I can.”

“They’ll love it,” Noah said. “Thanks, Josh. Are you sure? It’s okay if you don’t think you can’t manage with both of them on your own.”

Luke surreptitiously kicked Noah to shut up and accept the opportunity chance had just offered them on a plate. He could tell that Josh was a little confused by the grin Noah couldn’t hide.

“Um,” Josh said, “no. It’s fine. I got it...”

It took just twenty minutes to get the kids into their swimsuits, sun-creamed up and out the door, before the two of them were throwing each other’s clothes over the back of their shoulders. 

“I’m not entirely convinced Josh was that keen on babysitting for us today!” Noah laughed as Luke pawed at him in the center of the living room.

“Yip, I feel bad guilt-tripping him into it too,” Luke agreed, “but desperate times and all that… It's only and hour...”

Luke was all at once drawn to the shape of Noah’s mouth and to the long line of his throat; up which he licked like he would an ice lolly. 

Noah drew in his breath sharply, staring unblinking at him. 

“Ah, but I love the way you feel,” Luke sighed, his hands cupping Noah’s buttocks and gently squeezing. 

Noah lowered his head and opened his mouth on Luke’s nipple, his tongue darting against it’s nib. It made Luke shiver, took his breath altogether. His eyes closed to light shimmering behind his eyelids. 

Then he was dragging Noah toward the bedroom and entering to almost violently throw the man down to the mattress. 

“Wow,” Noah breathed, “you really _are_ hot for it, aren’t you?”

“Shut up and kiss me!” Luke exclaimed diving down after him. 

Noah promptly rolled Luke over and pressed a kiss to his lips, stroking one hand up and down Luke’s right arm. Noah’s hand slid up to Luke’s throat; the blonde's mouth wet and open to him. "Trust me, I'm not complaining!" 

The excitement collected, gathering, and Luke wound his arms around Noah’s neck, kissing him eagerly. 

Noah caressed him, his hand circling and teasing at Luke’s nipples as he kissed him hard. Whenever Luke could take a moment to breathe, it was in short, shallow puffs; hands blindly stroking at Noah; Noah quivering in response to Luke's touch.

Luke wanted him, had to have him and he again flipped Noah onto his back, pressing his face into Noah’s belly, his hand moving up between Noah’s thighs.

But Noah was dominating this one. 

Before he could blink, Luke found himself flipped back over. He was unable to stop his incessant groaning at the pulsing ache generated when Noah’s lubricated fingers created a sudden and tremendous heat as they pushed up inside of him. When Noah climbed over him, he spread his thighs, willingly. Noah came at him so fast, so hard, that it was almost a shock and his body resisted at first, tensed. Noah sensed it by the growl the blonde released and slowed. 

Luke willed himself to relax, impatiently waiting as that moment of readiness grew ever closer. He wrapped his legs around Noah’s waist, gripping tighter, clinging, arching against him as the rhythm quickly escalated.

“Luke… Luke…” 

Their bodies were hot and aching. Luke felt so sensitized that his insides seemed to twist. The heat between his thighs as Noah increased his speed seemed to spiral and he felt Noah empty deep inside with a musical moan of his name that sent him shuddering right after.

Noah lay spent and heavy on him. Luke, whimpered slightly and held him there, keeping Noah too him for as long as possible. When Noah finally withdrew he kissed Luke and rested his head on Luke’s stomach. 

They panted for some time. 

“Thank you, Josh!” Luke exclaimed loudly and they both laughed together. 

They gently ran fingers over each other as the lay there, until, finally, they forced themselves to leave the comfort of the bed to clean up before Josh bought the children back home. 

***

_Josh knew when he was told to go to the headmaster’s office that something very serious had happened. They never called you down unless it was for a very good reason. He went along the corridor frantically trying to imagine what it could be about._

_The only thing he could think, was that somebody had seen him smoking by the school’s tool shed and had reported it._

_Was that even possible?_

_No one had seen him, he was sure. He had a good vantage point from there and he would definitely have known if they had. It was why he picked that spot to begin with._

_He kept his stash wrapped in a piece of cellophane, secured with a rubber band, down in a dry, hidden spot inside an old flower pot. Even Benoit wasn’t aware of this!_ _He didn’t go there often enough to be conspicuous, although he could have done with a smoke far more often. He didn’t want to be found out after all._

_Firstly, because it would put him in a precarious position as far as Luke and Noah were concerned. He really didn’t want to be a disappointment to them._

_And secondly, if they found out, then he would have to find a way to stop. And however much he wanted too, however much he tried, he didn’t know how too._

_No, he was sure it wasn’t the smoking that had caused the summons._ _He hurried along the corridor whilst quickly tucking in his shirt as he went._

_Maybe something had happened to one of his sisters. Maybe it was Lynnie. She was forever falling over or walking into doors. He hoped that wasn’t the case, but it could be the reason._

_Or had something happened to his mom or his dad? He felt sick at the thought of anything bad happening to either one of them. Yes. He had to admit that, as angry as he was at his father; he still hoped he would make it through his jail sentence unharmed._

_“Stop this shit!” he told himself. “Just calm the fuck down!”_

_When he reached the headmaster’s office the secretary stood and opened the door for him, ushering him inside._

_“They are waiting for you,” she said, her face giving him no clue as to the reasons for the summons._

_Josh said, “Thank you,” and took a step inside, to be confronted by not only the headmaster, Mr Hart; standing authoritatively behind his desk; but also by his tennis coach. The long haired Mr Trent sat in one of the two available guest chairs._

_“Come in, Josh, sit down, son.” the headmaster said gently. He was a strange looking little man, Josh had always thought. Like a bold eagle with a shiny head and sharp eye._

_Well, at least he didn’t sound angry._

_Josh placed himself edgily on the other chair in front of the desk, unable to take his eyes off of Mr Hart. Both teachers gazed at him, wearing peculiar expressions._

_“I’m going to cut right to the chase, Josh,” Mr Hart began, “you have always been an exceptional student and brilliant sportsman. So I felt I would address you on this issue first; give you a chance to improve before contacting your mother.”_

_“What issue is that, sir?” Josh asked with a gulp, although he already knew where this conversation was going._

_“We are becoming more than a little concerned at your last few test results, Josh. They were not like you at all. A ‘C-’ in English? And only a ‘D’ in Biology? Really we expect a lot more from you, son. You are certainly capable of it.”_

_“Your academic scores are not the only thing slipping, Josh,” piped in Coach Trent, “so is your tennis! You were number one in the district! What’s happened?”_

_Josh lowered his head and nervously fiddled with his fingers on his lap._

_“Josh,” Mr Hart said, obviously expecting a reply, “you understand that we cannot allow you to participate in sporting activity unless you reach your required grade point average?”_

_Josh nodded. “I’m sorry,” he said simply, “I’ll try harder.”_

_“Is there anything wrong, son?” Coach Trent asked kindly. The man had coached him for five years and they knew each other well._

_“No sir,” he assured them. “There have been a few issues…”_

_“Ah, yes,” the headmaster nodded. “We are aware of the situation with your father, Josh. But you cannot let it destroy your future. You have so much potential.”_

_“Yes,” Josh said, “I understand, sir. I will improve. I promise.”_

_“Great,” the headmaster smiled, “I really don’t want to have to call your mother in. Do you understand?”_

_“Yes,” Josh assured him, “yes, definitely.”_

_“Okay. You are free to go.”_

_“Thank you, sir,” he stood, nodding at the other man, “Coach Trent.” And then turned to leave._

_“Oh and Josh,” Mr Hart called, “good luck at the swim-meet on Saturday. You are competing are you not?”_

_“Yes. Yes, thank you very much. sir.”_

_***_

They thought something was wrong when, after an hour and a half, Josh still hadn’t returned with the kids. 

His cell was sitting on the dining table so they couldn’t call him.

Eventually, while Luke finished cooking dinner, Noah ran down to the beach to find them. He searched for as many miles as he believed it was possible for Josh to have walked with two small children. They were nowhere to be seen.

By this point his heart was beating a little harder and he tried to assure himself that everything was fine. The children were with Josh, what kind of harm could they come too? Most likely they walked another path home.

He literally sprinted back to the house only to find Luke waiting anxiously for him outside the door.

“What is it?” Noah puffed, out of breath, both from the run and from a growing fear.

Luke’s eyes were wide with concern. “They’re at the hospital!”

***

_All the rest of that day and over the course of the afternoon, the stress became too much and before tennis practice was over, he made an excuse to Coach Trent about needing time to work on an assignment and left early._

_He stood by the shed and smoked a quick joint. He stuck a small supply into his pocket for later and headed for home, resolving to hit the beach and smoke again once there. He just wanted to switch off for a while. Then he’d be okay. He could come back stronger the next day and focus hard on his school work._

_He definitely didn’t want Mr Hart bothering his mother! His relationship with her was rocky enough already!_

_When he got home he stood far back from where Luke and Noah sat on the couch. Their presence had taken him by surprise. It was unusual for them both to be back from work so early. Usually by the time he got home from sports, Jasmine would still be around watching Nicholas and Mia. She had agreed to look after them during the day, ever since Luke started to work at the newspaper. At least until some other childcare arrangement could be made._

_But it appeared Jasmine had already left for home._

_He kicked himself and prayed that Luke and Noah wouldn’t smell the weed on him._

_When Noah asked him to take the kids to the beach he wanted to say no. He knew he should. But he couldn’t give a reason. He had none. He had to take the kids swimming or they would know something was up._

_While the two men readied the children, and feeling slightly better now, less heady, he got up to go into the bathroom and splashed hot water on his face._

_Lately looking at himself in the misty bathroom mirror was like attempting to see himself through a layer of gauze. No matter how hard he tried to clean it, the surface remained misted. He closed his eyes and steadied himself by gripping either side of the cold ceramic basin._

_He left the house with the beach bag slung over one shoulder and a child holding each of his hands._

***

Josh wiped his eyes and nose, feeling away the wetness on his cheeks, his breathing ragged. He didn't know what to do. 

He sat on an upturned bucket between two of the hospital’s large garbage dumpsters. Occasionally, a supply truck would pass, but all in all, nobody seemed to notice him there. 

The hospital would have called Luke by now.

“Jesus, Mia,” he whispered, his hands were shaking wildly. 

With difficulty Josh lit a fresh joint and let his eyes fix on some indefinite point in space, staring at nothing. His mind, just for a moment, was mercifully empty. 


	6. Chapter 6

Mia was dead. 

Josh was sure of it. 

She’d felt so cold; so frozen in his arms. 

He would be told soon that she was dead. 

His hands were slimy and slick with sweat, and yet the drug had focused his mind suddenly; as sharp as a knife.

Inside his head, behind his eyes, he was already playing the scene of the doctor telling Luke and Noah. He could hear them screaming and screaming. He placed both his hands over his ears and cried. 

It was his fault! He was cursed. Everywhere he went he just produced heartache for the people he cared about. Thing’s weren’t getting better since he came out. They were just getting worse! 

He knew he would have to leave. He couldn’t risk causing any more harm to the two men who had taken him in, no questions asked. He couldn't hurt the two children who had come to mean as much to him as his sisters did. 

Josh felt the panic rippling through his body once more. He couldn’t avoid the feeling that he’d lost himself for good and for always and that the self he’d known would never be coming back. Or, even more frightening, was the thought that this Josh was in fact his true self. He was this hateful, infectious person, this failure. 

“I’m scared,” he thought suddenly, shivering deep in his bones, “I’m so scared.”

***

Luke, round-eyed, breathing noisily through his mouth, was staring fixedly at the nurse over the top of the reception counter. There were several seconds of dreadful silence while she searched her database and then the nurse smiled, looking up at them.

“3rd floor, ward D.”

The men were already at the elevator on the word “ward”, Noah pressing the button frantically, as though doing so could actually make the elevator arrive quicker. 

Luke hissed when a man stepped in after them and pressed the button for the second floor. Another delay. He gritted his teeth, but felt better as Noah took his hand and squeezed.

The elevator door opened and they raced down the 3rd floor corridor, colliding smack-bang into a chubby but cheerful looking nurse.

“Josh,” Luke gasped out of breath, “please. With two babies, Nicholas and Mia? Are they here?”

The nurse was at first taken aback by the state the two men were in, but then she smiled. “Oh yes, they are.”

“Are they okay?” Noah asked. “Are they hurt?”

“What happened?” Luke chimed in.

“Okay, now calm down,” the nurse said gently. “I think you should come with me.”

She led them calmly down the long corridor, stopping for a minute to insert a chart she was holding into its placement on the wall and then opening a nearby door.

A strange and loud clacking noise was the first thing they heard, before the unmistakable giggles of childish laughter. 

Both Nicholas and Mia were lying flat on the floor on their stomachs in what was clearly a children’s playroom. A mounted television played cartoons with the sound down, but the two children were presently occupied with a game of “Hungry Hippo”, merrily slamming at the buttons controlling each of their hippos. The small colored balls bounced around the center as the two children attempted to get their respective hippo to swallow the most balls. 

“I win!” laughed Mia. 

“Okay,” Nicholas conceded, “let’s go again! But I want the red one!”

Both men seemed to blend into one as they held each other up in relief.

“I swear this parenting thing is going to kill me one day!” Noah gasped and Luke shuddered against him, as he laughed the knot out of his gut.

“They are both perfectly fine as you can see,” said the nurse. “Mia came in with a bad panic attack, but she got over that reasonably quickly and Nicholas has been fine. So long as we left him with Josh or on his own he has played happily in here.”

“Oh,” sighed Luke, “thank god! We weren’t told anything over the phone!”

“Where is Josh?” Noah asked wanting details on what had happened to Mia. 

The nurse looked around the room puzzled.

“That’s odd,” she said, “he was desperate for news on little Mia, but I haven’t seen him for a while now. Maybe he went out for some air. In which case, he won’t know that the scare is over. Poor boy was beside himself!”

At that point Mia noticed them and gave them one of her dazzling smiles. She hopped up and immediately ran into the outstretched arms of the person who happened to be the closest and that was Luke.

Nicholas wasn’t far behind and Noah scooped him up.

“Mia fell-ded in the water!” Nicholas informed them, importantly. 

“She did,” Luke exclaimed; looking over at Noah as the reason for the panic attack became clear, “and then what happened?”

“Josh… he jump-ted in and swam-med her out! And Mia was very scared! Hey, Mia?”

Mia nodded, playing shyly with the collar on Luke’s shirt. 

“But we’re all okay now, right?” Noah asked, specifically looking at Mia and reaching over to stroke her face as much as to reassure himself as to placate her.

Mia nodded and Nicholas said, “Yes! Can we go home now? I’m hungry!”

Both men laughed. 

“Well!,” Luke snorted, “there’s something we didn’t already suspect!”

Noah hugged Nicholas too him and sighed deeply in renewed relief. 

“Where’s Josh?” Noah asked them.

Both children shrugged their shoulders.

“Most likely totally freaked!” Luke said.

Noah returned his gaze, concerned.

Then, since he was still under a driving ban, Luke said, “Noah, you take these two home. I’ll look for Josh. We’ll follow in a cab.”

Noah nodded and leaned over the kids’ heads to give Luke a kiss. He took Mia from Luke and balanced her on his free hip. “I’ll have dinner ready for you guys when you get in.” 

***

_Mia had extremely straight and long ginger hair that reached right to her lower back. On their walk toward the beach, Josh stopped when he noticed her struggling every time the wind blew the strands into her tiny face._

_It was a good excuse to rest for a moment and try to clear his vision, which had steadily become increasingly foggy. He dug into the bag Noah gave him to find one of her hair-bands._

_“Let’s tie that back for you, Mia. Then you can see where you’re going,” he told her and she nodded, waiting patiently while he looped the blue elastic around her hair a few times. “Better?” he asked her._

_She smiled in response and he hooked the bag back over his shoulder, taking hold of their hands once more._

_“Josh?” Nicholas asked._

_“Ah ha?”_

_“Why don’t boys have long hair?” He scratched his nose in the familiar way he did whenever he had something on his mind._

_“Well, some do,” Josh said. “I mean, Luke’s hair is pretty long, isn’t it?”_

_“Yeah,” Nicholas nodded, “but not as long as Mia’s or Jasmine’s.”_

_“Well,” Josh tried, his mind not really working and finding it difficult to think up reasons that would make sense to a four year old. “I guess it’s so we can tell girls and boys apart. So we can know for sure if somebody is a boy or a girl.”_

_“But a boy can have long hair?” Nicholas asked._

_Josh stooped down toward him for a second. “Nicky, it’s okay for a person to do whatever they want, so long as it doesn’t hurt somebody else. So if a boy wants to have long hair, then that’s okay. Same as if a girl wants to cut her hair short.”_

_Josh swallowed hard as he heard those words leave his lips. If only he could stick to them himself!_

_Nicholas nodded and they continued their walk down the road until they reached the start of the beach. Josh helped them to remove their sandals before placing the shoes in the shoulder bag._

_“Do you like girls?” Nicholas asked, taking Josh a little by surprise._

_Mia giggled._

_“Um,” Josh sniffed, “Yes, I like girls.” It was an honest answer. He did like girls, just not like THAT. “What about you? Do you like girls?”_

_Nicholas considered this for a while, “No.”_

_“You don’t?” Josh asked, smiling all of a sudden. “Why not?”_

_“’Cause I don’t!” Nicholas stated resolutely._

_Josh laughed. “You don’t think you’d like to kiss a girl one day?”_

_Mia laughed out load this time and Nicholas scowled at her._

_“No,” Nicholas said, shaking his head with certainty, "yuck!”_

_They sauntered onto the beach, no longer having to hold hands. Periodically the kids would find something of interest, a shell or a shiny stone, which they’d show to him and then discard in search of the next treasure._

_“What about Mia,” Josh asked him, “she’s a girl.”_

_Nicholas smiled, “’Cause Mia’s my friend!”_

_“Yeah,” Mia said softly in agreement._

_“Oh!” Josh took a deep breath and wavered for a second, suddenly feeling dizzy._

_He was afraid to go into the shallows with them in his current state, but they were expecting a swim._

_He looked ahead of them and spotted the tiny fishing pier where somebody had left a row boat tide to the dock. “Hey guys? How about we go for a ride in that boat over there? Would that be fun?”_

_“YAY!” Nicholas shouted, seeing the boat and taking off for the pier, leaving tiny footprints in his wake._

_“Wait for us on the pier buddy, okay?” Josh shouted, lifting Mia and keeping his eyes on Nicholas._

_Mia surprised him then with a gentle peck on the cheek._

_“I love you, Josh,” she said, shyly._

_Josh took in two quick breaths as emotion choked him. He was feeling guiltier by the minute. This family, every member in it, trusted him wholeheartedly and there he was, stoned! Useless!_

_He smiled back at her, “I love you too, Mia. Let’s go before Nicky gets into trouble!”_

_“Yes," Mia agreed, “Nicky is a trouble maker... Jasmine says so all the time!”_

_Josh laughed, “She does, hey?”_

_They reached Nicholas and he popped Mia down, before getting into the boat first. It rocked considerably under him and he fell forward, a hand on each side as he steadied it. The wooden boards of its design blurred under him._

_He waited for the nausea to pass and then held out his arms for Mia. She jumped into them and he managed to get her seated in the boat without any problems._

_“Now just stay still, okay?” He said to her, before holding his arms out for Nicholas in the same way._

_Nicholas dived for him with a lot less grace and threw the entire boat off balance. Under usual circumstances it would have been nothing for Josh to catch him. But his limps were numb and his brain slow to react. So, although Josh managed to hold onto Nicholas, the boat toppled dangerously to one side and mercilessly didn’t overturn._

_However it was a hard enough of a jolt to send the light weight of Mia flying over the side and into the cool blue of the ocean with a quiet plop._

_“Mia!” Josh screamed._

_She had already vanished under a ripple of water and sea bubbles.._

_In the back of his mind Josh was confused. He knew Mia could swim. Why didn’t she surface?_

_He half threw Nicholas back up to the dock._

_“STAY!” He yelled and then dived in after her, grateful that on this day the water was clear and he could see her right away. He grabbed at her and swiftly pulled her to the surface, swimming back to the stairs of the dock with Mia resting on his chest. The way he’d been taught at school._

_She felt stiff as a rock._

_His heart pulsated as he drew her up the stairs and dropped onto the pier. She wasn’t breathing. She had such a look of utter terror on her face that Josh lost his breath._

_“Mia,” he stuttered, patting her frozen cheek, “oh no - Oh no! Please! Oh, my god!”_

_“Here,” a voice said, and he turned to find a lifeguard kneeling beside him. The man must have seen them from the beach._

_Josh fell back and let the man take over. Grateful for it._

***

Noah checked his phone again, but there was still no message or sign of Luke. He tried calling, but again Luke didn’t pick up. Most likely he was frantic at not having found Josh at the hospital.

They knew what had happened. Josh was afraid Mia had drowned and had run off in guilt, unable to face it. 

Suddenly a car’s lights flashed and he opened the front door just in time to see Luke hop out of a cab. He raised his eyebrows in question, but Luke shook his head. The blonde looked completely frazzled as he shut the car door and made his way up the path.

Noah slumped. It looked like another long night of worry for the two of them.

“Where would he go?” Noah asked as soon as Luke was in ear shot.

“No idea!” Luke replied, hugging Noah in. “I’m sorry I didn’t call... My cell died.”

“Oh, I wondered,” Noah squeezed him back. “Come inside, I kept your food warm for you.”

“Kid’s asleep?” Luke asked as they entered and Noah closed the front door.

“Yeah,” Noah replied, rubbing at his neck. “Actually, as hungry as they were, I had some difficulty feeding them. The poor little guys were so tuckered out! It’s a pig-night for them!”

“Pig-night” was Noah’s nickname for the evenings where they let the children go to sleep without a bath. 

“Well, it _is_ way past their bedtime!”

Noah sighed. “Josh wanted to take them out on a boat.”

Luke turned to him, “What?”

“I guess the boat was there and he thought they might like it. Mia must have fallen in and, usually she would have been fine, but…“

“…but Josh doesn’t know about her recent fear of deep water!” Luke finished.

Noah nodded, entering the kitchen to grab Luke’s plate from the oven and raising his voice so Luke could hear him from in there. “I guess she must have gotten a fright and simply sunk to the bottom.” 

Luke sat heavily at the table and waited while Noah placed the plate before him, one hand kneading Luke's shoulder.

“Mmm,” Luke breathed, “that feels good, thanks.”

“Don’t worry,” Noah said, “I’m sure he’ll come back once he hears that Mia is okay.”

“I feel kinda responsible really.” Luke sniffed.

“What?” Noah asked.

“Well, convincing him to take them when he really didn’t want to.” He lifted his knife and fork, but just stared at the food.

“Yeah, but he’s really good with them! It was an accident.”

“I know, but it’s just… We should have told him Noah. About their pasts, you know? If he’s watching them, he should know about their quirks. So should Jasmine for that matter!”

Noah thought it over for a moment and then nodded, recognizing the error himself. 

“Hey,” he wrapped both arms around Luke’s neck and leaned forward, propping himself on Luke’s shoulders, “we’re still learning here ourselves! Don’t be too hard on us, okay?”

Luke laughed. “I love it when you talk about us in the singular!”

Noah smiled and kissed the top of his head, releasing him and patting his shoulder twice. “Eat up! And I don’t want to see any left over, you hear!”

***

The large green house was dark. For a moment Josh wondered whether anybody was home. But, as he came around the side and into the backyard, he saw with relief that the light was on in Benoit’s bedroom. 

Scooping, he picked up a few pebbles from the path and began pelting the window with them, until he saw the face of his friend appear behind the pane.

The French boy’s expression changed at once from confusion to recognition and Josh waved up at him. Benoit indicated he should head for the back door.

As soon as Benoit opened the door Josh blurted, “I fucked up! I really fucked up!”

“Mon ami!” Benoit exclaimed, seeing the disquiet on Josh’s face. He stepped forward and placed an arm around his shaking friend.

The moment Josh felt Benoit’s touch, he began to weep.

“Ah, non, je n'aime pas… this, this sadness…” I don’t like this sadness, Josh was able to interpret. “What ‘as ‘appened?”

Josh waited until they were securely hidden behind Benoit’s bedroom door, before blurting out the entire story. He rattled on and on, barely taking a breath between words and sobs. Trying to speak over the utter panic he felt. 

“She’s dead! I know she is. She’s dead and I did it! Because I was high! And now they’ll never forgive me! I’ve messed up everything! And Mia! Oh god, Mia! What have I done? They’ll never trust me again and I’ll be--”

Benoit silenced him then with a kiss. A full kiss on his mouth that was unlike any of the kisses Josh had received from his friend before. Instead of breaking off this time, Benoit deepened the kiss, using his lips to pry Josh’s mouth open and searching out Josh’s tongue with his own. 

Josh’s head bobbed back once as Benoit’s lips left his. If he was struggling to breathe before, it was now for different reasons. Benoit had rendered him suddenly and utterly speechless. His mind went blank.

“Ill est okay,” Benoit whispered gently, stroking a hand down Josh’s tear-stained face. He stood and turned off the main light switch at the door, so that the only illumination came from the small lamp on the bedside table. 

Benoit approached Josh and, standing before him, lit a joint he must have grabbed from atop the dresser. He held it to Josh’s lips. Josh inhaled the smoke deeply, his eyes resting on the contours of Benoit’s chest. He gripped the edge of the bed in his hands to prevent himself from reaching out to touch his friend.

Benoit took a drag himself and bent over to hold Josh’s chin between his fingers. Pressing their lips back together, he blew the narcotic smoke into Josh’s mouth. 

Already Josh could feel the particles reaching his blood and streaming quickly through his body as his heart rate elevated. He was beginning to feel more relaxed and forget his fears. 

They finished sharing the joint before Benoit pulled Josh up by one hand. He moved Josh to the top of the bed where he pushed his friend down, laid him out under the covers and removed Josh's shoes. 

“What?” Josh frowned at him in confusion, suddenly feeling totally detached from the world.

“Relax. I will ‘elp you.” 

Benoit searched a nearby shoe holder for a specific sneaker, from which he withdrew a bag of blue circular tablets Josh had never seen before. He extracted two and returned to lie next to Josh. 

They faced each other and Benoit placed a pill on the tip of his own tongue. Leaning into Josh for another kiss, Benoit passed the small blue roundness over to him. Josh swallowed both the bill and his friend's tongue. He opened his eyes to stare longingly into Benoit’s as the boy withdrew from the kiss. Josh watched as Benoit swallowed the second pill himself. 

“I ‘elp you forget,” Benoit said softly, drawing Josh toward him so that Josh’s cheek rested against his chest and their legs intertwined. “Sleep, mon ami…”

Josh closed his eyes, enjoying the way his head rose and fell to the breath in Benoit's chest. 

He had a vague thought that he needed to tell Luke and Noah something but he gave up.

He let the drug take him. 


	7. Chapter 7

The Charterhouse school was nestled neatly within twenty-one acres of well manicured grounds, a true testament to both its age as well as to the relative prosperity of the parents; who paid large sums every year to send their children there.

The institution had a strong academic record, but its real fame lay within the sporting achievements of its pupils, especially in swimming, athletics and tennis; all of which Josh was an active participant in. 

On any given day, the playing fields were abuzz with children eagerly involved in inter-school or inter-house activities. 

It was still early and only a few pupils had arrived for the day. They milled around outside the school gates or under trees, books sprawled across knees. 

Luke whistled as the cab dropped him off in front of the ornate gates. It certainly was one impressive looking school. He walked the garden path up to the main grey brick building, following the signs for the reception area.

“May I help you?” asked the pretty receptionist with a shy smile, obviously taken with Luke’s boyish good looks.

Luke smiled back at her. “I’d like to see the Headmaster if that’s possible. I don’t have an appointment but it’s important.”

“I see,” she said, checking her computer screen, “your name, please?”

“Luke Snyder.”

She smiled again and lifted her handset, pressing one button and waiting for an answer from the other end.

“Mr. Hart? I have a Mr. Luke Snyder here to see you, it’s regarding…” she cupped the receiver with her hand and looked up at Luke with raised eyebrows.

“I’m here about a pupil, Josh Carmody?”

She dropped her hand and said, “It’s about Josh Carmody. Right, yes, I’ll send him in.” She hung up. “You can go right on in. He can see you now.”

“Thank you,” Luke said.

He turned to open the door toward which she indicated. The name tag of Mr. Robert Hart was fixed to it in gold leaf metal.

Luke wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it was definitely not the tiny, bold-headed man before him.

“Mr Hart?” he asked.

“That would be me! Yes.” the man replied, sticking out his short arm to shake Luke’s hand.

“Luke Snyder.”

“Nice to meet you Mr. Snyder. You are here about Josh?”

“Yes. I’m not sure how much you know about Josh’s current situation.”

“Oh, I make it my business to know everything about our pupils, Mr. Snyder. I am aware that Josh has been living with you and your partner since his father was incarcerated. Terrible business!”

“Yes.”

“And how is your partner?” The man asked.

“Husband,” Luke smiled, “and he’s fine, thank you. Great actually.”

“Well that’s at least something, isn’t it?” the amicable man replied. “Please take a seat.”

The headmaster sat in his chair behind the desk and waited for Luke to get comfortable in one of the visitor seats.

“So,” he asked, “how can I help you?”

“I’m actually not sure whether you can. You see, Josh went missing last night.”

The headmaster’s dark eyebrows rose instantly.

“Something happened,” Luke explained. “totally not Josh’s fault. But we think, with his current mindset, that he has the wrong idea. Anyway, we haven’t been able to locate him since yesterday and he left his cell at our house. So we can’t contact him at all. As you can imagine we are extremely worried.”

“Yes, I’m sure!” Mr. Hart nodded in agreement. “I have to say, Mr. Snyder, that I, myself, have noticed quite a change in Josh over the past few weeks. As have a number of our teachers.”

Luke frowned, “Really? We didn’t know Josh very well before all of this happened, so we have nothing to compare his behavior to. From what we can tell he’s a very responsible, well balanced kid. Except for the other night when he…”

“Yes?” 

“Never mind, it doesn’t matter. It was a one off. But what do you mean by changes?”

“Well, it started small at first. Just slip ups in tests and essays that weren’t normal for a pupil of Josh’s capabilities. But, lately, his grades have been slipping at a faster rate and he appears to have lost interest in his extra curricular activities, where he has always excelled.”

Luke looked down at his hands for a moment and then looking back up asked, “Why do you think it’s happening?”

The headmaster shook his head sadly. “Children are amazing creatures, Mr. Snyder, as I’m sure you must know, since you have taken this one in as if your own. And they can bring much joy! But they can also be cruel.”

“What do you mean?” Luke asked worriedly.

“I’m afraid things haven’t been easy for Josh at school since the news of his father broke. Or more specifically, since the reason for this father’s arrest became known.”

Luke felt his heart drop. “Oh.”

“Boys and girls he thought were his friends, who have in fact been his friends for many years, suddenly abandoned him. He’s been quite isolated I would say. We have tried to help him, but he chooses to suffer in silence. I think he is afraid of disappointing people.” 

The guilt Luke felt at that moment gripped him like a million tentacles rising up and pulling him under. He should have seen this! He of all people knew what this was like. Josh was just a younger version of himself. 

“Why am I only hearing about this now?” Luke asked. 

Mr. Hart nodded. “Perhaps we should have told you or Mrs Carmody sooner, but we do like to give our children a chance to resolve things on their own first. It builds a sense of responsibility you understand.”

Luke nodded and took a deep breath, frustrated with himself. 

“Don't take it personally,” Mr. Hart said, as though reading Luke’s thoughts, “teenager’s are notoriously good at hiding their true feelings. Especially from those they are aiming to impress.”

“Mr Hart,” Luke asked, “do you have any idea where he might have gone? If he didn’t stay at ours last night and he can’t go home.”

Mr. Hart thought for a moment and then smiled. “Well, he does have one friend who has stood by him through all this. A foreign student by the name of Benoit Dubois. He’s a very popular kid at school and seems totally unfazed by the fact Josh is gay. In fact, he tends to be totally unfazed by just about anything at all!”

“Do you think he might have gone to this kid’s house?” 

“It’s likely, yes.” 

Luke rose. “Okay. Thank you for your help, Mr. Hart.”

“Not at all!” the little man replied, coming back around his desk to shake Luke’s hand.

“Is there any way I could get the contact details for Benoit?” Luke asked.

The headmaster pursed his lips in sympathy. “I’m afraid not. We aren’t permitted to give out such information. If you like, I can get my secretary to call his father for you.”

Luke nodded. “That would be great! We really just need him to know we want him home.”

“Okay. Leave your number with Cynthia and she can call you with any news.”

Luke turned to leave. “Thank you again.”

“Don’t mention it!”

As Luke passed the office window, he noticed a familiar symbol below them in the yard. It was painted on the side of a white van, and two individuals in whites coats were setting up for a busy day. Usually he wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but it rang a faint bell in his head.

Luke paused for a moment frowning and then asked, “Do they come here often, then?”

“Sorry?” asked Mr. Hart.

“The Blood Bank? Do they often do blood drives here?”

The headmaster almost had to stand on tip-toes to look down through the window at what Luke was indicating toward, but he smiled when he saw the van.

“Not really,” he said, “about once a year, I’d say. Why?”

Luke turned from the headmaster to look back out the window. “So they haven’t been here since last year? Is that what you’re saying?”

“That’s correct. Is something the matter?”

Luke shook his head. “No. No. A misunderstanding I think.”

***

_Josh awoke during the night in the hot and sweaty grip of pure fear, only he couldn’t remember what he was so afraid of._

_He gasped desperately for air and panicked further when he discovered he couldn’t get any, as though his head were sealed inside a plastic bag. He clawed at his throat, willing the air past the stone lodged halfway down his windpipe._

_Benoit’s face appeared before him and he felt the other boy’s hands cup his cheeks. But he couldn’t hear a word his friend was saying. The blood roared in his ears._ _Suddenly, he was alone again, sure he would die. But Benoit returned, this time with a paper bag, which he held over Josh’s nose and mouth._

_Benoit was repeating something over and over and finally Josh heard him, “Respirer… Respirer… Calme...”_

_Josh’s head felt light but he got his voice back, “What?”_

_Benoit shook his head as he tried to recall the English word._

_“Um, breathe!” he said eventually, lowering the bag away from Josh’s face._

_Josh smiled groggily at him._

_“You are better?” Benoit asked. Again he held Josh by the head and checked him over. “Your eyes are very big, you know? How you say?” He shrugged and gave up when he couldn’t think of the expression._

_Josh frowned suddenly. Although he was more than happy to be swimming in Benoit’s manufactured haze, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something terrible had happened._

_Something happened on the beach._

_“Hey,” Benoit’s soothing voice brought him back to the bedroom, “I ‘ave a little some-ting…”_

_He pulled out a sock drawer and taped on the back were the supplies for a heroin fix._

_“When’d you get that?” Josh asked and squeezed his eyes firmly shut as a wave of pain shot through his head._

_“You ‘ave the sore ‘ead," Benoit stated knowingly, “from these...” He lifted up the bag of unknown blue pills to show Josh what he meant. “This will ‘elp.”_

_Josh watched as Benoit sat cross-legged on the floor and set to work preparing the drug. It didn’t take long before the two of them were enjoying the fruits of his labor._ _Within five minutes, Josh was relishing the sensation of warmth; as though a soft blanket had been wrapped around him. He fell back into the carpet beside Benoit and sank into the floor._

_Josh stared up at the ceiling with a stupid grin on his face. He was in utter contentment. The drug pulsated throughout his body. He was completely comfortable and, best of all, completely happy._

***

Although Noah knew he absolutely _had_ to get this one scene edited by the end of the day, he was finding it extremely difficult to concentrate. He leaned back against the chair and rubbed his burning eyes, yawning. Somewhere in the back of his mind a little Luke voice was chastising him for straining his eyes.

He had decided to work from home. There was no way he’d be able to handle the studio in his current state! He really needed to sleep for an hour or two, but he’d already tried that with no success. He was eager to find out what Luke had learned at the school. Perhaps he found Josh already. Noah quickly checked his phone but there was no message. 

Poor kid was mostly likely terrified.

Stretching, he stood and entered the kitchen, opening the fridge and staring at the contents, waiting for something inside to speak to him and let him know what he felt like eating. His stomach growled, but the thought of actually putting food in his mouth made him feel sick. He knew it was anxiety making him this way.

Instead of food, he grabbed a juice box, apple flavored. There was only one pineapple box left and he knew there would be hell to pay from Nicholas if he drank it! He smiled at that as he left the kitchen to return to his editing software. 

He had tentatively, and with Luke’s encouragement, edited the first half of this particular scene weeks back while he was still blind. 

He knew he didn’t have the faith in himself that Luke did, but now that he’d re-watched the work he completed without his sight, he was surprised to discover it was actually rather good. Better almost; as though all the pent up emotion he held, the frustration, sadness and anger, translated into the way he cut the frames. 

The scene was particularly moving; a son losing his adoptive mother to cancer. And once they added the final sound and music tracks too, it would be fantastic! 

He was rather proud of it. He wondered often whether he could reconnect to those feelings that had helped create it. Although those feelings weren’t ones he particularly wanted to delve into everyday.

He smiled as he realized once again just how well Luke knew him. 

At that moment his husband entered the front door. 

“Was he there?” Noah asked immediately.

Luke shook his head, “No, I didn’t find Josh, but I did find out some interesting information.”

“Take a seat,” Noah suggested, “I’ll grab you a soda, you look exhausted.”

Luke waited for Noah on the couch and took a long swig of the soda Noah handed to him. 

“Thanks,” he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. 

Then, as Noah sat beside him, Luke laid out all Mr. Hart had told him.

“So, all this time Josh has been struggling at school and we didn’t even know it?” Noah asked, horrified.

“I’m afraid so.”

Noah sighed. “And the school has no idea where he might have gone?”

“Well,” Luke began, but his phone rang before he could continue. He checked the display. 

“It’s the school,” he told Noah, and then answered the call, “Hello? Yes, this is Mr Snyder… Hi… Ah ha… Okay… Thanks, I appreciate it.” He hung up.

“Well?” Noah asked.

“They offered to call the father of Josh’s best friend, Benoit.”

“And did they?”

“Yes but he says Benoit hasn't woken yet, and he hasn’t seen Josh.”

Noah squeezed Luke’s hand at the look on his face. It was obvious Luke had been hoping this would lead to something. 

“They won’t give me this kid’s home address.” He rubbed at the join between his brown eyes. 

Noah thought for a moment. “Well, maybe Nat knows where he lives.”

Luke considered this and without saying anything called Natalie on his cell.

“Hello, Nat? Yes, yes, I know! It’s the brother who never calls! Gotcha!” 

Noah’s heart warmed at the sudden grin from Luke. It was hard not to smile when Luke did. 

“Listen, Nat,” Luke continued, the smile vanishing as quickly as it had appeared, “have you heard anything from Josh lately?”

Noah could hear Natalie’s voice on the other end of the line, but not what she was saying. 

“So he’s been kind of distant with you lately, ha? Do you know why?”

Again there was a wait as Natalie replied to Luke’s question.

“Okay, look… He didn’t come home last night. Has he ever spoken to you about a friend called Benoit?”

Luke’s eyes widened.

“You have! That’s great! Do you remember the address? No? Oh… You do? Okay, I’ll give you a few minutes and then I’ll check for it. Great! Thanks, Nat. And don’t worry, okay? We’ll find him.”

He hung up.

“So?” asked Noah anxiously. 

“She’s been to Benoit’s house, but just the once. She says she can’t remember the street but she thinks she can find it on a map. She’s going to pinpoint a route and e-mail it to me. Then I can head over there.”

“And hopefully find Josh!”

Luke cuddled into Noah and they waited that way, periodically checking Luke’s cell for the e-mail from Natalie.

“She says she’s been really worried about him,” Luke said softly against Noah’s chest.

“Worried about what?” Noah asked.

“Well, it’s just… she says he’s been different and… the school said the same thing. That he’s been distant, like he’s switched off or something.”

“Well, Luke, the kid’s had a rough time of it. He may seem okay on the outside but I mean, who knows what’s going on in his head.”

Luke nodded as he checked his phone once more and finally found the e-mail. 

“Got it,” he typed back to this sister and then immediately dialed for a cab to pick him up.

“You don’t need to do that, I can drive you,” Noah suggested.

“Don’t be stupid! You have work to do and you know it!”

Noah sighed. He really didn’t like leaving Luke to deal with the situation, but he’d already stretched his brownie points with the film’s backers as far as he dared. 

“Okay,” Noah agreed reluctantly, “but call me if you need help, okay?”

“I will,” Luke leaned up and kissed him before leaving to wait for the cab outside. 

***

“Mia! Jesus Christ, Mia!” Josh shot up off the floor, stumbling over Benoit to find his shoes.

“What is eet?” Benoit moaned, blocking the light with his lower arm, annoyed at having been woken up.

“Oh, my god, what’s the matter with me?” Josh muttered repeatedly as he struggled to get on his shoes. “Oh, my god! I just left her there! And Nicky? Oh my god! I left them at the hospital all alone!”

He simply couldn’t get the shoelace tied, his fingers fumbled madly as his clear mind suddenly remembered everything. In his drugged out haze he’d found his way to Benoit’s, knowing that Benoit would do what he did best, he’d help Josh forget. 

“Luke and Noah must be going out of their fucking minds! Shit!” He cried. “Shit! What the hell is the matter with me? I’m such a fucking loser!” 

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and an older man’s voice asked, “Benoit, puis-je tu parler un instant?” 

Benoit jumped a mile in the air in fright. “Un moment!”

He set to work hiding any evidence of their drug taking and quickly sprayed the room in manly deodorant before opening the door.

His father was about to speak again, when he noticed Josh sitting on the side of the bed, still in the middle of tying his shoelaces. 

“You are ‘ere, Josh?” His English was a lot better than his sons. 

Josh blinked confused. 

“Your,” the man paused, obviously confused by the relationship, “I tink it is your brother that is downstairs? I did not know that you were ‘ere, so he wanted to speak to my son. But you are so…”

Josh finally swallowed that lump he’d had in his throat all night. He took a shuddered breath as the full realization of his actions shook him once more. There was no escape this time. He had to face it. 

He nodded at the older Carmody and, with slumped shoulders, made his way down the long corridor that led to the main marbled staircase. A part of him was amazed that Luke had found him so quickly.

Josh met Luke at the bottom of the stairs and Luke sighed deeply at the sight of him. 

“I’m so sorry… Mia… I… She…” Josh choked as he began weeping in despair. 

To his surprise, instead of reprimands, he felt Luke embrace him and say, “She’s alright.”

Josh pulled back to look Luke in the face and Luke gripped Josh’s shoulders strongly. 

“Josh, she’s alright,” Luke nodded with certainty at him.

“She’s not dead?” Josh asked in disbelief.

Luke shook his head and pulled Josh to him once more. “It was an accident. It wasn’t your fault, Josh. If anything it was ours.”

“No,” said an internal voice inside of Josh, “you can’t blame yourselves! You don’t know the whole truth!”

Josh pulled out of Luke’s embrace and stood staring out of a nearby window. “Is she at your house?”

“Yes,” Luke answered behind him. 

“Good,” Josh said softly, feeling fresh air finally reach the bottom of his lungs. He absentmindedly rubbed at his arm, as the fresh bruises there began to throb. “That’s so good.”

“Look, Josh,” Luke continued, “we should have told you before but Mia has a fear of deep water.”

“What?” 

“It was her phobia that made her freeze. You got her out of the water in plenty of time. She didn’t even swallow any.”

“If only you knew why she fell in the water in the first place!” Josh thought but didn’t dare say. 

“We’ve been really worried about you, you know?” Luke said softly. “I even went by your school. That’s how I managed to track you down.”

“I think it’s better if I leave,” Josh said, with great effort. 

“Leave?” Luke asked, gently gripping Josh’s shoulder and turning him around.

Josh didn’t dare look up at him, afraid that Luke would read the dreadful truth there and see him for the person he really was. “I don’t think I should stay with you. I don’t want to hurt anybody.”

He couldn’t see the expression on Luke’s face, but Josh knew Luke was frowning with confusion. “Hurt anybody? Why would you think...? Josh?” Josh shuffled his feet nervously and resisted as Luke tried to lift his chin. “Josh,” Luke persisted until Josh was looking right at the man, “why would you think that?”

Luke had the kindest eyes Josh had every known. He ached deep inside, wanting to spill everything. Instead he shook his head, a few more tears falling.

“Hey,” Luke smiled, “we love having you around! Nicky and Mia love having you around! We want you to stay, okay?”

Josh cringed inside as he realized he would never be able to leave without a valid reason. Luke and Noah would never accept it. 

“Besides,” Luke said with humor, drawing the reluctant Luke back into a hug, “you make for one cheap babysitter!” 

Even in his current state, Josh couldn’t help emitting a small laugh at that. 

After a few minutes, Luke pulled out of the hug and patted him on the back with a smile. “What do you say we head home? We can pick up some burgers for lunch. Noah’s there too.”

Josh nodded. 

He would find a way to stop. 

He would! 

He had never meant to fall so deep into a rut of drug taking. He never thought for one second that he would ever become addicted to the stuff. It was just for fun! He thought that when he wanted to stop, he would just stop. And that would be the end of it. But that was at a time when he’d been on top of the world, smart, popular at school, praised for his sporting ability. When he had the perfect upbringing within the protection of a loving family. 

All that was gone! 

Within the blink of an eye! 

Or within two words uttered one night with confidence to his parents, “I’m gay.” 


	8. Chapter 8

Noah listened to the water running in the guest shower and felt like he could breathe properly again. Josh was home safe. 

He had to admit though, that a part of him was still worried. When Luke and Josh finally arrived home around lunchtime, Josh looked terrible. He seemed extremely withdrawn. Not at all like the kid they first met that day in the park. 

_God, but that day feels like years ago._

Noah couldn’t help shake the feeling that Josh was more than just tired. They planned to talk to Josh about everything as soon as the kids were asleep. It was important to know exactly what happened to Mia. They also wanted to ask him about school. It was suddenly clear to both of them, that Josh wasn’t adjusting well to the cards life had thrown him. 

Noah wished there was something either of them could say to help Josh, though he knew, in reality, the only person who could truly heal Josh was his mother. And she wasn’t yet ready to do so. 

He watched Nicholas and Mia playing on the living room floor in their pajamas for a few minutes, frowning and ticking his pen on the table next to his editing software. Then he stood and stretched slightly, his long legs stiff from being seated most of the day.

“Come on you two, time for bed." Noah yawned himself.

To his surprise there were no arguments. Both children packed the cars back into the wicker basket, as Noah had taught them to do, and pattered off to their beds. 

Luke had left the window in their bedroom open, and the evening breeze had turned the room rather cold. Noah could already see the goose-bumps rising on Mia’s arms as she climbed into her butterfly decorated bed. 

“Cold tonight, hey baby?” He smiled and she nodded.

He opened the wardrobe and pulled at two fluffy blue blankets, one for each of them. As he did so, a couple of old biscuits fell to the floor. Noah sighed and turned to find Nicholas eyeing him guiltily. 

“Nicky?” Noah chastised.

Nicholas gave Noah his most sheepish expression. 

Noah decided to skip their usual story time. Both kids were totally wiped out. He tucked Mia in first, spreading the extra blanket over her.

“Comfortable?” He asked.

“Yes,” she confirmed.

“Okay, night then. Love you.” He kissed her cheek and she closed her eyes. 

Then he did the same for Nicholas, tucking the fabric tightly around him; smoothing back his black hair to kiss his forehead. “Nicky, you know we will always give you food, right?”

Nicholas nodded.

“Then why, baby? Hmm? Why do you keep hiding food?”

Nicholas shrugged. “I don’t know...” 

Noah was sure Nicholas didn’t understand his habit any more than they did. 

“Nicky, whenever you feel like you need to hide food, I want you to tell me first, okay?”

Nicholas nodded.

“Really,” Noah asked him, “you think you can do that?”

“I don’t know,” he replied innocently and Noah shook his head with a slight smile.

“I love you baby. Sleep tight.” He kissed Nicholas again, before stooping to pick up the biscuits and crumbs off the floor. 

He found Luke in the kitchen wiping down the counter.

“Hey,” Luke smiled.

“Hi,” Noah replied, holding out his hand to show Luke his latest find. 

Luke shook his head. “Did you ask him?”

“Yeah,” Noah replied, throwing the biscuits in the trash and wiping his hands clean on a kitchen towel, “it was the same thing... He doesn’t know.”

Luke came up behind Noah and hugged him round his waist, sticking his chin between two strong shoulder blades. 

“Don’t worry too much,” Luke said, gently pressing his lips into Noah's shirt, “essentially they’re both happy. That’s the most important thing. I’m sure the therapy will sort out the rest.”

“Yes,” Noah agreed, turning around and wrapping his arms around Luke, “assuming Nicky ever decides to actually talk to Dr Mishra.” 

Luke smiled. “He will.” 

“Well, I hope so! Otherwise we are paying for some extremely expensive sessions of silence.”

“Um, guys?” the tentative voice came from the kitchen doorway, interrupting them. 

Josh stood before them in black sleep shorts and a Rolling Stones t-shirt. His arms were folded protectively across his chest. He looked every bit the teenager. 

Luke turned from Noah’s embrace to lean back against the counter alongside him. 

“Hey, Josh,” Luke smiled, “feeling better?”

“Yeah,” he replied, shifting around nervously, “yes, um… Can I…?”

Noah frowned sensing his nerves. “What is it?”

The boy’s blue eyes began to well up and he seemed fearful.

“Josh?” Luke asked, approaching him and placing a comforting hand on his arm.

Josh kept his arms crossed tight. 

“I think I need help,” Josh whispered, so softly that Noah barely heard him.

“What do you mean?” Luke asked. 

Luke turned his head back to look at Noah who shrugged.

“It was my fault,” Josh said. When both men didn’t respond, merely frowned at him in confusion, Josh continued, “Mia? It was all my fault.”

Luke exhaled. “No, Josh. It was an accident.”

“NO!” Josh yelled it; they both jumped in surprise. “Please,” Josh begged in a far softer tone, “I didn’t want to take them swimming. I thought at least in the boat…” He stared down at the floor, avoiding eye contact with either of them. He took a deep breath, “I was high.” 

“Sorry?” Noah asked, already feeling his stomach plummet. 

“I was high. So… So when Nicky jumped, I lost balance and that’s why she fell in. Because I was high.” His breath shuddered. 

Both Luke and Noah were shaking their heads in disbelief, but now that Josh had said it, it was like a dam wall had busted opened.

“And lately it’s like I’m always high… and… and I can’t stop. I’ve tried. I throw it out, but, somehow, I just end up with more. Like the harder I try to stop the more I want it and… and…” He stared at them both wide-eyed with fear. “It was only ever for fun. It was only ever supposed to be for fun.”

Noah was flabbergasted. He stared at the boy he was seeing clearly for the first time. His heart sank. All the signs pointed toward it and they had totally missed it! 

“Please don’t hate me,” Josh begged, body shaking and tears spilling. “You guys… your family… it’s all I’ve got left… and… and it’s not even mine! How pathetic is that?” 

Noah watched a shocked Luke rub his hands down his face before sighing painfully. “Oh, Josh…” Luke shook his head and stepped forward to pull Josh’s head down to his shoulder. The boy collapsed into him, clinging to him.

And Noah was suddenly steaming. He could feel the anger rising. He wanted to scream at Josh! Ask him whether he truly knew what he could have cost them! But he used all his resolve to hold back. The kid had just shown them once again how brave he was. No matter how hard, Josh had told them the truth. And the last thing Josh needed in that moment was to be punished for it. 

“Come with me,” Luke said, “let’s sit down for a minute. Noah?” Luke looked back at Noah knowingly, eyes willing him to calm, and Noah understood instantly.

“Warm milk coming up,” he said, swallowing hard. 

As they left the kitchen, Noah turned to grip the side of the counter and lean forward. He felt suddenly afraid, for Josh, as well as for them.

He felt totally out of his depth.

***

_Luke knew coming out was a mistake!_

_“God, it’s so hot tonight,” Aida said, walking by Luke and staring up at the stars._

**_Shit!_ **

_“Yeah,” he said, hands in pockets, feeling absolutely no enthusiasm what-so-ever._

**_Damn Kevin!_**

_I_ _f only he could say no to the guy! But whenever Kevin smiled that cheeky grin it made Luke feel all gooey inside, and Kevin would undoubtedly get his way! That was how their relationship had always been, but it was only now that Luke knew why that was!_

_Luke was attracted to his best friend. Very likely more than attracted._

_Typical of Kevin to insist on this double date, only to ditch Luke so that he could explore the abandoned building with his latest flame. Or, rather, so that he could explore his latest flame._

**_Fuck!_ **

_All Luke could do was wait outside like some lovesick loser, while Kevin went in to make out (and more) with a **girl**! All the while burning inside with jealousy at the thought of what Kevin was doing…_

_“I love the summer, don’t you?” the girl was saying. “No school, no rules, you can do what you want… when you want.”_ _She gave him a look that left him in no doubt as to what she wanted._

**_Shit!_ **

_His only hope was to remain nonchalant and removed._

_“I guess,” he responded, bobbing his head._

_“Kevin said you weren’t much of a talker, but I don’t mind.”_

**_That's it!_ **

_“Look, Aida,” he suggested, "this place is a dump! Let me go grab Kev and we can head back to Java.”_

_“Hey, no, Luke, wait," She called, “it’s okay, we don’t have to leave. Kevin warned me you’re not into girls.”_

**_What? Kill me now! Just fucking kill me!_ **

_Luke felt like screaming._

_“Kevin’s a jerk," he stated through gritted teeth._

_Because at that moment Kevin really was a jerk!_

_“So,” she asked, “do you like girls? Because Kevin seemed to think you were more in the market for a woman?”_

_Luke frowned at her. “What are you talking about?”_

_“Um, Jade Taylor?”_

_Luke shrugged. “Well? What about Jade?”_

_“Look,” Aida said, almost desperately, "I know she’s older, but I’ve got just as much experience. Maybe more!”_

_Luke felt sick._

_Look," he said frustrated, “let’s just wait in the car.”_

_“You’re still not over her?” the girl asked, exasperated._

_“No,” Luke said, “that’s not it!”_

_“I saw you two around a lot,” Aida told him. “Things looked pretty hot…”_

_“Look,” Luke interrupted her, feeling more and more uncomfortable by the second, “I don’t want to talk about Jade, okay?”_

_He marched away from her so that he didn’t have to look her in the eye; so that she wouldn’t see the truth. There was and had never been a Jade and him. Jade had agreed to pretend to be his girlfriend so that Luke didn’t have to come out and admit he was gay._

_“Luke, I’ve been into you for a really long time,” she said to his back._

_He turned. He didn’t want to hurt this girl, but what was he supposed to do?_

_“Okay, look,” he sighed, “it’s not you. I’m just… You know, I’m not in the mood to party right now…”_

_That was it. He wasn’t taking this any further. They were going back to the car where they could wait for Kevin to finish doing whatever it was they were doing that Luke didn’t want to think about._

_But then –_

_“Well,” Aida turned on her seduction, “lucky for you, I brought a little something to help get you in the mood.”_

_Like a true temptress, she held out a bottle of clear, crystal vodka that immediately started calling his name._

_“Here,” she offered, "you first...”_

_There was no way he could resist it. His nerves were totally on edge, he was uncomfortable, unhappy and that little bottle would make it all go away. And if his kidney failed and he died, who the hell cared?_

_He spent sometime staring at the bottle in her hand._

_“Shame to waste it?” She smiled and took a swig right in front of him._

_He swallowed in time to her gulp. His mouth ran dry. He imagined the cold sharpness passing over his tongue, pouring down his throat. There was suddenly nothing in the world more tempting than that bottle. Well, except for Kevin, but Luke couldn't have Kevin. He could have this. If he wanted._

_“You sure?” she asked._

_“No,” he shook his head with determination, "thanks.”_

_Once he said it he thought he’d be okay. He was even proud of himself. She was screwing the top back on the bottle and that was where it would stay._

_But then she started on him again._ _“I didn’t mean to get too personal about Jade.”_

_“Oh… that’s… that’s, okay.” he took a deep breath and smiled. “Look, if I seem a little weird right now? It’s just… I've got a lot of stuff going on.”_

_“Like what?” she asked._ _“Well, my mom’s in the hospital.”_

_“I heard. I’m sorry. Is it bad?”_

**_Bad? I pushed my pregnant mother down the stairs and now she's lying in a fucking coma, because i'm a useless, pathetic piece of shit!_ **

_“Yeah,” he muttered._

_“Look,” she was now feeling sympathetic, “we don’t have to party if you don’t want to. We can just hang out and talk.”_

_Talk. That he could do._

_“So,” she continued, walking over and taking a seat on an old wall, “what happened? To your mom?”_

_“Um, she fell,” Luke replied, leaning back beside her against the same wall._

_“Is she going to be okay?”_

_The girl kept twisting the cap of the vodka bottle on and off, on and off._

_Luke shrugged, “I don’t know.”_

_They sat for a moment until a shirtless Kevin burst through the front door of the old house._

_“Hey," Kevin said, looking relieved, “I’m glad you’re not tied up!”_

**_Tied up?_ **

_“Come here," he gestured for Luke to follow him, pulling him over and away from Aida. Luke followed like a dog on heat, finger's itching to run down Kevin's naked chest._

_“Man, what’s wrong?” Luke was concerned by the look on Kevin’s face._

_“I’m short on supplies.”_

_“What are you talking about?” Luke was completely lost._

_“Party hats! Condoms?”_

_Luke closed his eyes. This wasn’t happening to him!_

_“Give me your wallet!” Kevin instructed._

_Luke just wanted to go home!_

_“No Kevin! I don’t have any condoms!” Duh!_

_Kevin didn’t believe him. “Just let me… can you give me one?” he moaned._

_Luke laughed in frustration. “Kevin, why would I lie to you?”_

_Kevin looked devastated._

_“Look,” Luke said, “let’s just call it a night! You can come back here later when you’re more... prepared.”_

_“Ah, forget it,” Kevin said, waving his hand, “it’s never stopped me before anyway.”_

_“Kevin,” Luke said, horrified, “you can’t go have sex with that…”_

_“Hey," Kevin interrupted, holding Luke by one shoulder, “always finish what you started... Now, what’s taking so long with Aida? She’s hot!”_

_Luke shook his head with another deep sigh._

_“Be a man, Snyder,” Kevin insisted, “conquer her!”_

_Kevin didn’t wait for an answer from Luke, he turned to go. “Okay, you guys have fun! Ah… just… ah… don’t come knocking!”_

_He vanished back inside the house._

**_Be a man?_ **

_Wasn’t he one?_

_Aida laughed out loud. “I know he’s a pig but he’s a fun pig…”_

_She got up and sauntered over to Luke, looking him up and down. She was just placing the cap back on the vodka bottle when Luke stopped her._ _“Hey, wait…”_

_She frowned at him confused, “Don’t you want to talk some more?”_

_Luke shook his head. “No,” he snatched the bottle from her, “I want to have some fun!”_

_Those first five, six, seven swigs were the most delicious of his life. He waited impatiently for the blessed harmony of alcohol meeting blood._

**_Fuck it! Fuck everything! Fuck everyone!_**

_Pretty soon he and Aida were a giggling bundle, sitting up against the garden wall. She wasn’t so bad, once you got to know her._

_“Kevin doesn’t go for the cheap stuff," he laughed._

_“You mean his folks don’t!” she countered and Luke nodded with a smile._

_“Feeling better?” she asked._

_He nodded. “I’m feeling great!”_

_“I wish we were at your family’s pond right now! It would be so nice to cool off!”_

_“Well,” said Luke, “maybe next time…”_

_“Really?” she asked._

_Luke was too drunk to notice her peeked optimism._ _“Sure. Why not?” He said it softly and, without meaning too, seductively._

_She got totally the wrong idea and kissed him. He was shocked at first but actually considered kissing back. He tried to. He closed his eyes and tried to enjoy it, tried to imagine is was... but…_ _He was instantly uncomfortable and he drew back, staring at the ground, utterly embarrassed._

_She was too drunk to notice._

_“That was nice,” she said, immediately going in for more, touching a hand to his chin._

_He didn’t mean to, but he battered her hand away. “Hey, Aida, don’t.”_

_She laughed at first. “But I thought you wanted to have fun?”_

_He was already scrambling to his feet, his brain spinning from booze and emotion._

_“Just," he said, almost roughly, “I said no!”_

_She was getting angry now, he could tell. But his skin was crawling._

_“What is your problem?” her voice was rising._

_So was his. He was panicking now and his instinct was to run._

_“Okay, just back off,” he yelled. “okay?”_

_He could hear Kevin’s voice in his head, “She’s hot! Be a man, Snyder! Conquer!”_

_He took one last look at Aida. Long enough for her to cry, “Luke!”_

_Then he took off._

_“Luke, wait!” she yelled after him. “Where are you going?”_

_He sprinted faster than he had ever run, stumbled into his car and drove away, leaving his friends without transport!_

_But at that moment, he was in a personal hell! The boy he loved was fucking some girl while that girl’s friend tried to kiss him. And he couldn’t respond! He couldn’t because…_

_So many thoughts spun through his mind as he drove erratically away. All negative. All about what a failure he was! What a disappointment to his family! A coward and loser!_ _He didn’t see the road. All he saw was the image of his mother falling down those stairs. The image of his mother in the hospital._

_He didn’t hear anything either… just the words Kevin said, “She’s hot! Be a man, Snyder! Conquer!”_

_Followed by Aida, voicing the one most powerful thing in his life at that moment. “What is your problem?”_

**_I’m the problem! I’m the biggest fucking problem there is! This is too hard!_ **

_He needed another dose of booze. The feelings were coming back and he needed to suppress them. Luckily, in his haste, he’d brought the booze bottle with him and he swerved over the road as he unscrewed the lid._

_He didn’t care! He didn’t care about anything or anybody!_ _He drank down the bottle as fast as he could swallow._

_As he enjoyed the way the bitterness shook his brain, he must have veered ever so slightly into the on-coming lane, because a car passing hooted loudly in protest._

_Luke jumped and quickly looked back to the road, gripping the bottle against the steering wheel, relieved that nothing worse had happened. But not freaked enough to stop drinking._

_He kept going. The more he drank the better he felt, until the bottle emptied and he moaned in protest._

_His phone beeped, interrupting him. He lifted it from the seat._

_“Now what?” he moaned, clicking the numbers and squinting down at the display._

_There were messages. Urgent messages from his father! His mother was in trouble!_

_“Oh my god! MOM!”_

_In his panic he dropped the phone to the car floor. He needed it! There were more messages on it!_

_He dug around under his seat, totally ignoring the road and veering directly into oncoming traffic. A car hooted and he looked up just in time to serve out of the way, but his brand new car lost control. He over-corrected and it flew off the road and down a deep gully._

_Glass and plastic shattered all around him. Trees rushed past the windows. At some point his head slammed into the steering wheel._ _He passed out instantly._

*** 

“Shit, Luke,” Josh exclaimed, “were you badly hurt?”

“No, thank god! I managed to walk away from that! But I could really have hurt somebody that night! Any of those people who had been on the road.” 

“Wow,” Josh sighed, flopping back into the couch in shock. 

“Sound familiar?” Luke asked, raising an eyebrow.

Josh nodded. Noah chose that moment to enter with a try holding three mugs of steaming and sweet warmed milk. None of them spoke a word as Noah carefully placed the tray on the coffee table. 

He handed a mug to Luke, first rubbing and then kissing the top of his head. Luke reached up to grip and squeeze Noah's arm in reply, smiling up at him. 

It hadn’t gone unnoticed by Luke that Noah took a particularly long time to make the warm milk. He knew Noah would need time to cool down, and had most likely waited for Luke to finish his story before coming in. 

Noah returned to the tray to fetch Josh’s mug. He handed it to him. 

As their eyes met, Josh said, “I really am sorry.”

Noah nodded. “We’re all okay. What’s important now is that we get you off this stuff...” 

“How?” Josh asked, honestly. 

Luke was continually amazed by the child. Josh tried to deal with the drug addiction alone purely to spare them any more trouble. But at heart, he was exceptionally honest. Now that they knew, Luke hoped this honesty would be his salvation. 

“Well,” Luke smiled, “you’ve already taken the first step in telling us. Helps a bit already doesn’t it?”

Josh nodded as Noah took his place beside Luke, cupping his own white mug with both hands. 

“It will be okay, Josh. You’ll see. We’ll do this together.”

“Thanks,” Josh took another swig of his milk and they sat in silence for a while. “So, that’s why you keep the liquor cabinet locked, ha?”

“Noticed did you?” Noah asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Josh realized what he was implying and shook his head vigorously. “No! Not like that… I mean… shit!”

Noah chuckled and Josh laughed. “I just noticed whenever you have guests, that’s all.”

Luke saw then that, despite his sudden joviality, Josh was shivering quite extensively. 

“It’s going to be a tough night, Josh.”

Josh looked at him with pleading eyes.

“I’ll sit with you, okay? All night and all week if that’s what it takes.”

“I’ll try,” Josh said softly.

“Good,” Noah was the one to answer that time. He stood. “but first, Josh, I’m going to search your room, okay? Will I find anything?”

Josh looked down guiltily.

“Josh,” Noah asked, waiting for Josh to look back up at him, “it’s a clean slate tonight. Just give me what you have.”

They spent a few minutes together in Josh’s room as the boy handed over what little supply of weed and ecstasy he had on him. His hands shook as he gave them to Noah. 

“Josh,” Noah’s voice was stern, “you are never, ever, again to bring this kind of thing into the house! We can’t have it! Not with two small children.”

Josh gulped and nodded.

“And Josh? We care about you… we really do! But if I find of this crap in the house again, you’re out! Do you understand?”

Even Luke drew breath at that. He knew Noah was right, but he also knew how hard it was to quite an addiction. He prayed things wouldn’t come to that.

Noah stuck out his hand and Josh shook it, gratefully accepting Noah’s forgiving hug. 

***

Nicholas smiled broadly as he lifted the far too heavy bat over his tiny shoulder. His tongue stuck out the side of his mouth and his baseball cap sat back-to-front on his head, the way Noah remembered Luke wearing his back when they first met. 

T-shirts formed the four bases and Josh’s rucksack made for a less than convincing home base. But they didn’t care. 

Having already had her turn, Mia waited excitedly at first base. She bent over, hands on knees, and swayed side to side; imitating the players as she’d seen them on television. Her eyes focused determinedly on Nicholas. 

Josh was pitching and Luke scrunched low behind Nicholas as catcher. 

A number of eager kids had joined them in the game and they waited in the fielding positions. Others waited patiently behind Nicholas for their turn at bat. 

It was a beautiful day. The ocean sparkled aquamarine in the afternoon sun. The tide was out and they’d found a relatively flat section near the surf. The previously wet sand had baked in the sun to form a shell-like crust, that broke underfoot as they played.

Noah maneuvered Nicholas up to the plate and stepped back, smiling at Luke, who returned the gesture with a wink. Noah felt his knees weaken.

“Behave…” he mouthed, his cheeks heating up. 

Josh moved in closer, as he had previously done for Mia, so that he could lob the ball in softly and give Nicholas a chance to at least make contact.

The first pitch came and Nicholas swung clumsily, spinning right around and missing the ball by a long way off. 

“Oops!” he squeaked, disappointed.

“Let me help you with that, buddy,” Noah tried not to laugh at him. He bent over behind Nicholas to help him hold the bat in the ready.

The next pitch came and together Noah and Nicholas, swung, hitting a soft ground ball. 

Of course Josh could easily have reached the ball and pitched Nicholas out, but instead he pretended to trip.

“Run, Nicky!” Mia yelled with excitement, forgetting entirely that she needed to dash herself. 

The accumulated boys and girls on her team screamed at her to run, waving wildly toward second base with their arms. 

Nicholas scampered down the baseline, chest sticking proudly out, positively beaming with happiness at having hit the ball. 

Finally, Mia realized her teammates were yelling at her to go. She blinked once, before scuttling off toward second, one of the older fielders helping her along. 

Both kids made it to their respective bases just as Josh casually stooped, grinning, to pick up the wayward ball. 

“Well done, Nicky!” The team encouraged. 

The next child to bat looked around 8 years old and Josh moved backward to lob a more advanced ball his way. 

The child hit a fly-ball but none of the fielders were in range to catch it, so the 8 year old sped off toward first, yelling at Nicholas to sprint. 

He didn’t have to tell Nicholas twice. Always keen, Nicholas took off flying for second and Mia did likewise for third. 

None of the fielders were anywhere near to collecting the ball and the batting team started to scream with excitement. 

“Run home!” they yelled. “All of you, RUN HOME!”

Mia’s little legs were quickly losing steam by fourth base, but she powered on and managed to hit home with a scream of exhausted laughter. She was closely followed by a panting Nicholas and finally by the older child. 

As each kid stepped over ‘home plate’, the other players lifted them on their shoulders and clapped loudly for all three of them. 

Josh came up and held out his arms for Nicholas to jump into.

“I think we have ourselves a future Hank Aaron!”

“Who’s that?” Nicholas asked, still smiling from ear to ear.

“I’ll tell you one day,” Josh laughed, hugging him.

“Okay, everyone,” Noah yelled, “time to pack up and go home I think.”

“Aw, no!” Cried the disappointed group.

“Sorry you lot,” Luke laughed, taking Mia from one of the older boys, “it’s almost time for dinner. We can play again soon.”

The crowd of children dispersed, some stopping to politely thank them for the game. 

“That was fun!” Josh said.

“Yeah,” Luke replied patting him on the back, “you’re really great with small kids, you know that?”

“I guess it’s from having two younger sisters,” Josh replied. 

They spent a few minutes collecting their things; started the walk up the beach toward the path that would lead them home. Noah, carrying most of the gear, dragged behind with Nicholas and Mia, leaving Luke and Josh to walk side by side up the gentle dune.

“It’s been almost two weeks now, right? How are you, Josh?” Luke asked.

“Good.”

“Yeah? You sure?”

“Yes. I’m good. Really.”

Luke smiled. “Good. Just… If you ever get that urge… just talk to me, okay?”

“I will.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” 

They hadn’t noticed, but Nicholas had caught up with the two of them.

“No, Josh,” he exclaimed with exasperation, “that’s not how you do it!”

Josh smiled down at him as they walked through the sand. “Do what?”

“That’s not how you make a promise,” Nicholas stated seriously.

Luke laughed.

“Oh,” Josh enquired, “how do I do it then? You tell me.”

“You hold your finger up like this,” he stuck his little finger up in the air, slightly curled in a ‘C’ shape.

Josh copied him, “Okay, now what?”

“Now you catch…” walking backward ahead of them, he hooked Josh’s finger with his own. 

“Okay,” Josh nodded, “got it!”

“Now you do it!” Nicholas indicated toward Luke.

Josh smiled shyly as he hooked pinkies with Luke. 

“Now say it,” Nicholas instructed.

“I promise,” Josh blushed. 


	9. Chapter 9

“It will be fine,” Noah assured Josh, noticing how much he stiffened as the doorbell sounded. 

Josh sighed deeply for a moment, then stood to open the door to his mother.

“Hey Mom,” he said.

“Hello, son,” she gave him a weak smile.

“Come in,” he stood back as she entered while Noah walked over to take her coat.

“Hello Marion, How are you?” 

“Good, thank you. I'm good,” she said simply, gripping up suddenly at the handbag that hung from her shoulder. Using it for comfort of some kind. 

“Please take a seat,” Noah said as he hung up her coat. “Would you like a drink?”

“No… no, thank you, Noah.”

They sat in a heavy and awkward silence for a few minutes until Marion spoke up again. “I just wanted to say, Noah. I’m really glad your sight came back.”

Noah smiled at her and nodded.

“Um, how are you?”

“I’m fine, Marion. Absolutely fine. Thanks for asking.”

She seemed to be looking anywhere but at Noah or her son.

“Where is Luke, today?”

“Oh, he wanted to be here, but he had to work. Um, Marion, there’s a reason I called and asked you over...”

She looked at him then. The first time she'd made eye contact since arriving.

“There’s something you should know," Noah continued, "something Josh needs to tell you.”

Josh shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He hadn’t wanted to tell Marion about the drug thing at all. He begged Luke and Noah not to make him do it. But they were adamant. As his mother, she had the right to know. 

“Josh?” prompted Noah.

Josh looked at him with pleading eyes and Noah smiled his assurance.

“It’s best she knows, Josh.”

“Knows what?” asked Marion, getting concerned.

Josh licked his bottom lip and, looking down at the carpet said, “Mom, I haven’t been myself lately… with everything. And… I’ve been a little lost I guess and…”

He paused for a while prompting Marion to asked, “Yes?”

He looked up at her beseechingly. “Things got really messy with… with Dad and… you and I...” He sighed with frustration, trying to find the words that would make her understand. “You know how I got grounded because of the weed?”

She nodded at him.

“Well… I mean I used to just smoke now and then. Because it was fun. But… when everything happened… it was…”

His mother was frowning now. “Josh, what are you trying to say?”

“I moved on from weed and then suddenly it was like an escape and… now… Mom... I’ve become addicted.”

His mother’s hands flopped limp into her lap and her eyes widened. “What?”

“Marion,” Noah said as gently as he could, “he’s been doing really well. He hasn’t touched the stuff in weeks. He’ll be okay, but we just thought you should know. You should at least know he has the potential.”

“I see,” her reply was strange; almost deadpan and dreamlike. 

“Josh was really brave to come to us and ask for help with this, Marion.”

She nodded again, still not looking at either of them.

“It’s over Mom, okay? It won’t happen again.”

“Right, well,” she stood, “um… I have to go and pick your sister up from swimming so… I’ll see you soon.” 

Josh cocked his head sadly at her. 

Noah rose to follow her to the door.

“Marion,” he said, “is that all you’re going to say to him?”

Her eyes were like glass as she returned Noah’s gaze. She turned from the door to look back at Josh where he sat in the armchair. “I’ll see you soon, Josh.”

The boy didn’t reply, just nodded sadly at his mother. Noah opened the door and she walked out, without saying another word. 

As Noah closed the door Josh said, “You see...? She doesn’t even care...”

When Noah turned he caught the strangest expression on Josh’s face. It was almost like apathy. 

Josh stood, walked down the hallway, entered his room and closed the door behind him. 

***

Luke didn’t like Jenna.

He didn’t like her almost manly face, her foxy smile, or the way her beady eyes met his; so direct, so openly honest, that it felt she was hiding something even when she wasn't. He’d feel her eyes on him whenever he walked past her desk. But when he looked over she’d look away.

Eventually the waiting became intolerable. He wished she would just spring her trap and get it over with, so that they could both move on and he could do his job; without having to keep his guard up all the time.

Fed up, he decided that the best course of action would be for him to make the first move.

“Morning, Jenna.”

She looked up from her screen, unable to hide the slight glint of surprise at his approach. But her usual mask of control quickly covered it.

Luke smiled his brightest smile at her.

“Morning,” she replied, suspiciously, “can I help you with something?”

“Oh no, nothing,” Luke sweetly said, “I just wanted to bring you these...”

He handed her a box of deluxe chocolates. She looked down at the box with a distrustful frown.

“Simon said they’re your favorites.” Luke continued. Simon was the handyman, so Luke wasn’t sure how reliable this information was.

Her eyes rose to meet his and her face remained passive. “Why?”

“I thought it might help to… you know… break the ice between us?”

She narrowed her eyes to glare at him. “Getting mad takes up too much of my time and my energy. I’m a busy woman, Luke.”

“Why would you be mad at me for giving you a box of chocolates?” Luke innocently asked. “I thought all women liked chocolates?”

“Except when the giving is a cover for manipulation,” she replied. “Besides which, you insult me by assuming I’m anything like other women. Never mind that your gesture smacks of male condescension.”

“I don't know what you mean and I’d never assume that,” Luke smiled.

“Look Luke, or Luciano, or whatever the hell your name is today,” she leaned forward in her chair and punctuated each of her words, “I – don't – like – you. I’m not going to like you, so you might as well just give it up right now and save us both some precious writing time. If you want to do something nice for me, forget the chocolates. The best thing you can do for me is to stay out of my orbit.”

“But…”

Jenna’s eyes returned to her computer screen and she shooed him away with one floppy dismissive hand. “Go on, genius! You’re a reporter now! Go write!”

“Okay, now look,” Luke was getting seriously annoyed. He hated not being liked. Jenna sighed with contempt at him, but he powered on. “I’m trying here,” he stated. "I'm sorry if my attempt to make peace insulted womanhood or whatever, but this is, like, my dream job! I want to be successful at it! I want to work hard and prove my place here! But you’re making things really difficult for me!”

“Difficult,” she asked and then snorted condescendingly, “you don’t know the meaning of the word.”

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I’ve got little patience or time to waste on a little rich boy playing out his next fantasy at the expense of everybody else! Until he gets bored and leaves others behind to clean up the mess he made...” 

Luke’s mouth gaped open. “I’m sorry?” he asked, the words dripping with disbelief.

“You heard me!” she continued, standing now. “You swan in here like you own the place. You’re holding back vital information on a _really_ big story, one that could make this newspaper some serious money. But for some strange reason I’m not allowed to be the reporter I am and ask you about it. And less than a week after joining, Jarvis is already offering you your own editorial? I mean, what did you do, donate to the newspaper or something?”

“Just what the hell are you getting at?” Luke protested. 

Her eyes squinted at him. “How much did the privilege cost you, Luke? Talk about fucking teachers pet and all that!”

Luke was too shocked to speak. He couldn’t believe what this woman was accusing him of. 

“Do you know how long I had to work before I was even allowed to write outside of the entertainment’s section?” She raised herself out of her chair at the same time as she raised her voice. “Do you?”

Luke shook his head.

“Three years! Three years of begging that man to move me into serious journalism. Where I happen to belong, by the way!”

“And you’re saying I don’t?” Luke countered. 

She didn’t get to reply because at the point Jarvis popped his head out of his office and called, “Luke, you got a minute?” 

“Teacher wants you,” Jenna said with a sly smile, returning to her work. 

Luke wanted to say, “This isn’t over.” But then thought better of it. 

He walked away, hating the feeling like she had somehow won that round.

“Close the door, Luke, take a seat,” Jarvis indicated to the guest chair opposite his desk and waited for Luke to get comfortable. “I’m sorry I’ve not had the time to see you as yet, but I’ve been rather tied up as I’m sure you can understand.”

Luke smiled and nodded.

“Anyway, have you given any thought to my suggestion that we print your detention center stories?”

“I have,” Luke replied.

“And?”

“And I think it’s a good idea. It would be a great springboard for me.”

Jarvis smiled widely. “Yes it will! And I think the public will eat it up with a spoon. I’m willing to bet there will be people who buy the paper just to read it.”

“Wait,” Luke interrupted, “how often do you want to print one?”

“Daily, of course,” he replied. 

“Oh, no,” said Luke, shaking his head. “Jarvis, I don’t see how I could do that. At the moment I spend an hour interviewing inmates every Thursday while Mia visits with her dad. Then I need time to put their stories down on paper. And they have to be good, you know? I want them to be right, not rushed.”

Jarvis nodded. “I see. So what are you suggesting, Luke, weekly?”

“Possibly, or maybe even monthly, if you think that would work.” 

Jarvis considered this for a moment. “How many stories have you written? I’ve read four of them, I believe.”

“I’ve written eight so far” 

Jarvis nodded. “Okay, then. If you’d be willing, we can start with what you wrote about yourself."

Luke thought about this for a moment. He always planned to include this part in the book. It was important. It was the thread that bound all the stories together. So he nodded his agreement. 

“Great! We’ll start printing from next week! And in the meantime, is there anything else you were considering?”

“Yes, actually,” Luke told him. “I’d like to research an article on drug and alcohol addiction among teenagers? I have personal experience in this issue and I’d like to find out how prolific it is among middle and upper-income kids. You know? Kids you wouldn’t expect because they come from stable homes.”

“Hmm, sounds interesting.”

“I want to find out how easy it is for these kids to get the drugs and where they’re coming from. Perhaps even track down the supply.”

Again Jarvis spent a few minutes thinking over Luke’s story idea. 

“I like it,” he said eventually, “you have the green light.”

Luke smiled. “Thanks, Jarvis.”

“Absolutely, my boy! Now if you would excuse me, I have a conference call in five minutes.”

Luke stood to leave but then turned back. “Jarvis, can I ask why you seem to be giving me so much freedom to choose what I want to do?”

The man pierced Luke with serious green eyes. “Luke, I’ve been doing this job for a very long time. Some reporters need to be shown the way; given a direction. I only hire the best, you understand? Even so, it can still take some reporters years to find their niche. But there are others, the rare few; that are best left alone, for they already know their path. That’s where the best writing comes from, I find!” 

Luke felt warmed inside by this. He was realizing, for the first time, that Jarvis' belief in him was completely genuine.

***

It was lunchtime. He was sure it must be because his tummy was talking and that usually meant it was breakfast, lunch or dinner time. 

But it was during the day so it was lunchtime.

Lego was fun. You pushed all the little bricks together and you made something. Josh was good at Lego. He could build _anything_. Once he even made a robot. 

Sometimes Josh took care of him. Sometimes Luke and Noah had to go to work and then Jasmine would take care of him. But today it was Josh. 

Nicholas wanted to go with Noah because Mia was going. And that wasn’t fair! But Noah said Josh would take care of him and that was cool! Josh was so cool! 

And Josh was very clever and he knew everything! And Josh could surf! That was really cool!

But Josh wasn’t really playing with the Lego today. He was watching the TV, even though it wasn’t on. 

“Build, Josh,” Nicholas told him, “build!”

Josh looked down at his blocks and he built for a little while, but then he stopped again. 

“Look what I did make!” Nicholas proudly told him, lifting up his creation. It immediately fell apart as he did so.

“That’s great, Nicky,” Josh stared at him for a while. He had a strange look on his face and Nicholas didn’t like it. He felt like he’d seen a big person with that look before. “Hey, um, Nicky?”

Nicholas nodded.

“Do you think you could maybe play Lego on your own for a little while?”

“Why?”

“I… I need to do something. Can you just stay here until I get back?” 

Nicholas didn’t like the sound of that at all.

“But I’m hungry,” he moaned. 

“It’s not time to eat yet, okay. You just play here and do as I say.” Josh left him then, disappearing to his room. 

Nicholas chewed on a block for a while, frowning. That’s not what was supposed to happen. Josh was supposed to play with him and then give him lunch. He was confused, but he tried to be a good boy and play on his own for a while. When he got bored, he went to find Josh. 

Josh’s door wasn’t closed so he pushed it open. 

***

_His mommy is trying to catch him. She’s angry, **really** angry. He hadn’t meant to, but he knocked her hand and she spilled the stuff on the spoon. _

_She grabs his arm and he covers his face with the other and his knees begin to shake._

_Smack! Smack!_

_The first blow knocks his arm away so that the second one gets him above the right eye. The hit burns his skin._ _Her rancid breath is in his face._

_She reaches over and lifts his head by his right ear._

_“I fucking hate you, child!” she screams into it. “Look what you did, you little fuck!”_

_His lips tremble and he crawls up as tightly into a ball as he can, so that the blows hurt less._

_“Why the fuck can’t you listen?” she spits, swaying on her legs like a tree in the wind, while she continues to rain blows on him._

***

Josh was on the floor with a needle in his arm. Nicholas didn’t like this! He didn’t like Josh doing this! His mommy would do this and then she would yell and scream and hit him. 

Josh looked up, his eyes misty and faraway. For a moment Josh’s face became his mommy’s and then back again. 

Nicholas shook. He couldn’t breath.

“Dammit, Nicky,” Josh screamed at him, “why the fuck can’t you just listen? Get out! Get out now!”

Nicholas stepped back with shock. He tripped over his feet and fell onto his backside with a thump. He started to shiver and cry with fright and then sniffing, scampered terrified to Luke and Noah’s room to hide in the closet. 

Josh wouldn’t find him here. He curled into a ball and sucked his thumb, tasting his tears.

Alone, frightened and hungry he shivered in the dark. 


	10. Chapter 10

Noah took Mia swimming at the local public pool. He felt bad leaving Nicholas at home, but he wanted to dedicate all his time to Mia. He knew how much Nicholas would demand his attention at the pool, even with Josh around to help distract him.

It was just a shame that Luke had to work that Saturday, but Luke hadn’t managed to see Jarvis all week and they needed to talk about his stories. 

At first Noah thought his plan wouldn’t succeed. Mia sat on the side of the pool; pink water-wings extending her arms sideways; with her feet dangling in the water.

It was a blazing hot day and he was counting on that.

“Wow, it’s so nice and cool in the water!” he said, as he came up for air and pushed his wet hair back. “Are you sure you don’t want to come in?”

He flicked a few shiny droplets at her. 

She shook her head, auburn ponytail swinging with determination. 

“No,” Noah asked, “it’s gonna get real hot while you sit there.” 

“No,” she replied, crinkling up her freckled nose.

He left her then. He swam away from her up the length of the pool to the deep end. He hated doing that, because he knew what would happen. 

Sure enough she burst out crying, squealing loudly and holding her hands out toward him, begging with her bright eyes that he return to her.

“Noah,” she whimpered, standing up and hopping from foot to foot. 

This was his chance. Noah swam quickly back and, after finding his feet in the shallow end, lifted his arms up to her. As he hoped, her fear at the separation temporarily outweighed her fear of the water and she fell into him, wrapping her hands around his neck and sniffing into his shoulder. 

“It’s okay, Mia, you know I’ll never leave you.” He smiled at her and tucked a stray piece of fringe back behind her ear. “Better now?” 

She nodded and he dipped a little lower, so that the water reached just under her arms. 

“Hey,” he said to her with a warm smile, “look where you are?”

She looked and on seeing the water scrambled panicked; clinging tightly to him and making small squeaks. 

“It’s okay,” he said, holding firm in the center of the pool, “nothing bad will happen, Mia. I will look after you, okay?”

She struggled for a little while, then gave up, turning and laying her head on his shoulder. He shushed her over and over, gently cupping the pool water, letting it trickle over her shoulders. 

“It’s nice and cool in the water, hey baby?” 

He did as Dr Mishra had suggested to him at her session the day before. He continued to talk to Mia; about arbitrary things; pointing out other children swimming or playing on the side of the pool. Anything to distract her from feeling the fear. 

To his delight, it was working. After about ten minutes her small body began to relax against him. Her arms grew loose around him. She looked about more; examining the environment, slowly forgetting to be afraid of the water. 

He took a chance and bobbed up and down slightly. She tensed, but only for a second and then she laughed. 

“Was that nice?” he asked.

She nodded, so he did it again. This time she giggled. 

“Want to swim by yourself?” he asked her. But it was clear she wasn’t ready for that because she gripped vice-like to his arm. “Okay… okay… not today then.”

He smiled and kissed her. 

“Little by little,” he thought.

***

Mia walked through the front door ahead of him. She promptly fell to the floor to take off her shoes; a job she had not yet mastered. So after lifting the rucksack from his shoulders, and leaving it on the floor, it wasn’t long before Noah was squatting down to help her.

“Josh?” he called as he did so. 

“Hey,” Josh appeared at the end of the hallway, leaning against the frame. 

His clothes were disheveled; his hair was on end and he was rubbing at his eyes. As Noah stood, Josh hid a wide yawn behind the back of his hand. 

Noah’s eyes moved from Josh to the pile of Lego on the sitting room floor and back again. Josh’s eyes also noted the abandoned Lego and a look of dread passed over his face. 

“Have you been sleeping, Josh?” Noah felt suspicion creep claw-like up the back of his neck.

Mia pushed past Noah and ran to play on the floor with the multicolored blocks.

Josh visibly gulped. 

“Where’s Nicky?” A nasty and alarming feeling was washing over Noah.

“I…” Josh shook his head and bit his lip. 

Noah dashed to check in the kitchen, taking a moment to peer out the window in case Nicholas had let himself into the backyard. 

Finding no sign of him, Noah rushed back to the sitting room just in time to see Josh return up the hallway after checking all the rooms.

He shook frightened eyes at Noah.

“Where is he?” Noah asked.

“He was right here…” Josh insisted, “I… I don’t know?”

“When? When was he right here?”

Josh looked up at the wall clock and Noah saw his look of alarm.

“Josh,” Noah asked, horrified, “just how long have you been asleep for?”

“Noah…”

“HOW LONG?” he yelled.

“About three and a half hours…” 

Noah wheezed for breath. “NICKY!” he shouted loud enough to wake the neighborhood. 

Mia froze, Lego in hand, and stared wide-eyed at him. 

Noah looked around frantically, not sure what to do next. He decided to check the rooms himself. As he moved to pass the shocked Josh, Josh ran a hand through his hair, revealing something that made Noah’s heart stop.

He grabbed at Josh's arm and tried to twist it over. Josh fought against him at first, but then realized it was no use and relented. 

Noah’s eyes squeezed shut when he saw the bruising. He’d seen only one other arm like that before in his life and it belonged to Michelle Harris, Nicholas’s drug addict of a mother. When Noah opened his eyes they met with the shamed blue of Josh’s and he shook his head.

_Later._

First he had to find Nicholas. 

He released Josh’s arm and whipped down the hall, checking the first place that came to mind. He flung the closet door open and sank to his knees. The egg-shape of Nicholas was there. The boy was fast asleep. Noah cupped his mouth in his hands and struggled to regulate his breathing back to normal. 

The fire that had ignited inside him was scary in its red ferocity. He stood and, leaving Nicholas for the moment, closed the closet door to turn and address Josh; who he knew was standing behind him.

“Noah…” Josh attempted to explain.

Noah pointed out the door and, shoulders slumped, the boy made his way to the living room.

“Do you have any idea how long it’s been since Nicky’s felt the need to hide in there?” Noah asked Josh’s back.

Josh shook his head. He knew the story of Nicholas’s life, so Noah knew Josh understood what he was saying. 

“Where did you get it?” Noah demanded, his nostrils flaring and his body trembling with barely controlled rage.

Josh turned, looking every bit like a lost puppy.

When he didn’t respond immediately Noah raised his voice and spoke slowly and clearly. “WHERE – DID – YOU – GET – IT?”

Sensing the tension in the room, Mia began to sob.

Josh turned his head to her. Looking back to Noah guiltily, he whispered, “I always had it.”

“What?” Noah asked, expecting the kid to speak up.

“I’m sorry,” Josh admitted, “I always had it.”

Noah couldn’t look at him just then. He turned and pressed his hands into the wall, leaning hard into it for a moment; trying to control himself. That side of himself he always kept in tight lock down was rattling at it's cage, demanding to be freed. He breathed deeply through his nose, counted to ten. Once he felt calmer he lowered her arms and turned.

Josh hadn’t moved, but his body shook.

“Are you telling me,” Noah asked, “that weeks ago when I asked you to hand over your stash, you held this back?”

Josh’s gaze fell to the floor.

“ANSWER ME!” Noah screamed. 

Mia was crying loudly now, terrified at the sight of Noah so angry.

Josh nodded.

There was a long and pregnant pause where Noah simply glared at Josh. “GET OUT!” 

Josh lifted his eyes to Noah, perhaps checking to see how serious he was. But Noah stood there; legs wide and planted; hands fisted at his sides. His face was boiling with intense anger. 

“Don’t make me physically throw you out, Josh. Please don’t make me do that.” Noah spoke through his teeth, fuming before Josh with visible ferocity.

Josh turned and left, closing another front door behind him.

***

When Luke arrived home he found the boy sitting on the top doorstep. Josh's head lay hidden deep within his arms, as they folded atop his knees. 

At the sound of Luke’s footsteps Josh looked up. Luke didn’t know it was possible for one look to portray sorrow, apology, regret and pleading all at once. But that was the look Josh gave him then. 

“What happened?” Luke asked, although he already thought he knew.

Josh looked downward for a moment. When he looked back, unable to speak, he turned his arm to show the underside to Luke. 

“Oh, Josh,” Luke sighed, scanning the tell-tale bruises. 

Josh launched himself into a muddled and frenzied explanation of what had happened. 

Luke rubbed his forehead for a minute, staring at the boy.

Josh finished, out of breath and slumped forward. 

“Dammit, Josh! With Nicky in the house?” Luke knew he should feel anger, and he did. Only it wasn’t all directed at Josh. For Luke, the greater of his anger was leveled toward the bastard drug barons that sold the crap in the first place. Not to mention the celebrities who glamorized drug-taking like it was no big deal. 

“I yelled at Nicky,” Josh sniveled, “I couldn’t help… I couldn’t…”

Luke watched the tearful boy for a moment longer; briefly squeezed the boy's shoulder as he passed to open the front door.

“I know,” Luke sighed. “I’ll talk to Noah, okay? Just don’t go anywhere…”

He entered the house and closed the door behind him.

***

Luke found Noah sitting in the dark on the kids' bedroom floor, leaning up against the closet. Periodically he would heave a deep sigh. His arms rested on bent knees as he observed the two sleeping bodies in their beds. 

Luke gently smiled at him from the doorway and Noah exhaled noisily when he saw him.

“Safe to come in?” Luke joked.

Noah snorted and patted the spot beside him.

Luke slid down the closet door to land next to his husband; taking up the same seated position as him.

“They okay?” Luke asked, nodding toward the children. 

Noah scratched the underside of one wrist as he nodded. “I don’t know exactly what happened with Josh, but I think Nicky pretty much forgot about it the moment he saw dinner.”

Luke laughed and took hold of Noah’s hand, kissing it gently. 

“So,” Luke asked, “how much longer were you planning on leaving Josh out there for?”

In his most stern voice Noah replied, “Who says I wasn’t going to leave him out there for good?”

Luke giggled. “Please… you are _way_ too soft for that!”

Noah grunted again and they sat together for a moment. 

“I figured another two hours should do it,” Noah finally admitted. 

Smiling again, Luke laid his head on Noah’s shoulder and Noah reciprocated by resting his head against Luke’s. 

Their hands went from being held to being interlaced above Noah’s knees.

“It’s actually my fault," Noah sighed.

“What do you mean?” Luke asked incredulously.

“The meeting with Marion didn’t go well,” Noah explained. “In fact, it was awful! And this morning, something told me not to leave Josh. He had this look, you know?”

“Noah… you couldn’t have…”

“I failed Josh,” Noah cut Luke off. “I should have stayed to discuss what happened with his mom. And I failed Nicky by leaving them alone. 

“But it was just a feeling, Noah.” Luke insisted. “Those kinds of feelings are often wrong.” 

“Yeah, except when they’re not and you screw up big time because you choose to ignore them!” Noah released his hand from Luke’s and rubbed the flats of his palms together dismissively, sealing his words as truth. 

“Only you could blame yourself!” Luke sighed, cupping and squeezing one of his knees. “It was always going to happen...”

“What?”

“A relapse,” Luke explained, “I expected it would. I just didn’t know when.”

Noah turned his head to look at Luke. “Well, you could have told me about that, you know?”

“Sorry,” Luke apologized, “you’re right. I guess I hoped I was wrong. Everything seemed to be going so smoothly for a while.”

Noah took Luke’s hand back and rubbed his thumb up and down Luke’s forefinger. “So, what do we do now?” 

“We start again,” Luke replied, “and we keep trying until he’s clean. The main thing is to make sure he knows we haven’t given up on him. Like you never gave up on me…”

“No I didn’t, but I did deliver a dose of tough love by temporarily leaving you… That tactic isn’t going to work in this case. If we leave Josh out there, he’s going to march right off to look for the stuff.”

Luke nodded. “’fraid so.”

“We’ll have to really watch him this time, you know?”

“I know.”

“And we can’t leave him alone with Nicky or Mia again.”

Luke nodded. 

Noah locked eyes with him for a moment. He seemed to spend some time mulling things over. "I think I know what we need to do." He spent a moment laying things out with Luke, agreeing on the plan of action that would work for all involved. Then he sighed and stood up, “I’ll go and get him.”

Luke smiled at the taller man.

Noah shook his head down at Luke. “You’re right, you know? I am too soft!” 

Noah started for the door but stopped when Luke called, “Hey!” Noah looked back and Luke’s smiled wide as he said, “I love you.”

“Yeah, yeah, you love your soft push-over... I know...” Noah replied, leaving to rescue Josh, hoping they weren’t making a mistake by letting the kid back into their home.


	11. Chapter 11

Winded and with no notion of what else to do, Josh remained on Luke and Noah’s doorstep; shivering even though it was far from cold. 

Banished again!

His only hope at this point was Luke. But even Luke might struggle against the wrath Josh witnessed in Noah’s eyes. He never even knew Noah had the capacity to get that angry. 

_Fuck!_

He had really screwed up this time!

The longer he sat there; and as the door remained closed; he began to ask himself the question.

_Why would they let you back in? Why should they, after all you’ve done? You’re nothing to them! You’re nothing but a fat liability! They’re better off without you around!_

As he realized this he got up to leave. He took only a few steps from the front door when he was bathed in light and it opened. Noah stood in the doorway and Josh couldn’t help feeling a surge of hope. 

But then Noah dashed that hope by saying, “If you’re going somewhere, you should have your shoes.” 

He held Josh’s Nike sneakers out toward him. 

Josh sagged and nodded, accepting his fate. He was just grateful that, unlike the last time, he wouldn’t have to leave barefoot. Where would he go this time anyway? Benoit’s was the obvious choice. But how long could he stay there for? 

Cautiously, without eye contact, he took the shoes from Noah, sitting back down on the step to put them on. 

Noah silently watched him. 

When Josh was finished he stood, but before he could go anywhere, Noah closed the door and was walking past him toward the road. He reached the pavement, stopped and looked back.

“I can’t guarantee I won’t shout,” Noah told him, “and in case I shout, we have to do this away from the house.”

Josh gaped at him for a moment. 

“So,” Noah asked, “are you coming or not?”

Barely believing it, Josh made his way down the garden path toward Noah and the older man fell in step with him, steering them in the direction of the beach.

No words were exchanged on the walk down to the sand; nor whilst they removed their shoes and started strolling along the deserted shoreline, following some long abandoned footprints. 

Eventually, Noah came to a stop and took a seat in the sand, drawing his knees up and looking out over the moonlit water. Josh did the same. They sat for a while, listening to the sound of the waves and the wind until Noah said, “Okay… I’m calm… I’m listening.” 

Josh took a deep breath. “I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

They didn’t look at each other. Both of them merely continued to gaze out over the shifting water. 

“I kept seeing it in my head,” Josh continued, “all packaged up, laying there where I hid it… And I kept replaying the picture of myself preparing it and taking it in. Over and over I’d see myself do it, until it was everything.”

Noah sighed.

“Up until this morning, I hadn’t had the urge for it. I mean the hit’s been there all this time and I didn’t use it,” Josh assured him, sensing Noah start to tense again. “But… the thing is… I knew that… for one moment… just for one fucking moment,” Josh’s voice broke as he continued with passion, "it would stop me be from feeling like shit!” Josh sobbed loudly into his hands then. His shoulders heaved. “I thought why should I even try, when she…?” Josh squeezed his hands together as he thought over what he was about to say. "How can she just stop caring like that?”

“She hasn’t, Josh,” Noah’s voice was soft and full of concern. “Your mother’s been through a lot too. She’s lost her husband. She’s lost you. And maybe she’s only just keeping herself together; functioning just enough to take care of the house and your sisters. Maybe she simply can’t handle another problem...”

“I am a problem.” Josh said with certainty, nodding his head.

“No,” Noah drew Josh into his body, an arm around his shoulder, “that’s not what I’m saying! How many times have I told you how much I admire your courage? You have a great strength inside of you… and it’s rare that strength! Trust me… I know! You aren’t a problem, but this addiction is. And it has to stop!”

Wiping away a few tears, Josh nodded. “I did stop, you know? I mean, until today I really did stop. I just… today I couldn’t…”

“It’s okay,” Noah told him, “I believe you.”

“I’ll try really hard this time, I promise.”

Noah briefly closed his eyes and drew a long breath, expelling it slowly through his nose. 

“Josh, there is no second chance,” Noah said sadly. “I’m sorry. We can’t give you that. If it were just Luke and me, that would be one thing. But Nicky has already had to live through this kind of shit in his life and we won’t risk exposing him to it again. He deserves to be protected.”

“You’re still kicking me out?” Josh asked in a small voice. 

Noah patted his knee. “For now… But just out of the house, not out of our lives. We will be here for you whenever you need us. We will help you through this. But…”

Josh looked up at Noah.

“…but we’re going to book you into a rehab clinic for 90 days.”

Josh looked down at his toes, nerves swallowing him up all of a sudden. 

“Luke and I… We don’t know what we’re doing, and the specialists at the clinic do. So… that’s what I’m offering you here, Josh. It’s all I can do right now.” 

Josh nodded and swallowed hard. 

“The place won’t hold you prisoner or anything. So that means you can come and stay with us on weekends… if you want.” 

He continued to nod, accepting his fate. “I’m scared.” 

Noah squeezed his shoulders again. “I know you are. But this isn’t a rejection, Josh. I want you to know that. This is purely about the babies. Once you’re totally clean, if you still need a place to stay, then you can come back, alright?”

Josh nodded. “I’m sorry about Nicky.”

“I think it’s Nicky you need to apologize too.”

“I will. I’d never hurt them, you know?”

Noah smiled. “I know.” 

***

“It’s not a chicken! It’s a duck!” 

Of course, Dr Mishra knew this, Nicholas was certainly talented when it came to drawing. But Nicholas was of high intellect and she felt sure, if she pressed hard and for long enough, eventually he would talk to her out of pure irritation. 

“If it was a chicken,” Nicholas tutored, oblivious to the fact he’d just been tricked into speaking, “then it would have funny sticky-uppy thing on the head.” The child stuck his hand up on top his own head to illustrate this. 

“Oh,” Dr. Mishra said, choking back a laugh, “really? I didn’t know.”

Nicholas shook his head in childish disdain; throwing his tiny arms up as though he’d given up teaching her the ways of the world since she was incapable of learning anything. 

She smiled, pretending to study his drawing once more. He certainly was an interesting little guy.

“Well, I really love your picture of the park, Nicky. It’s amazing.”

“When’s Noah coming back?” he asked, ignoring her statement and looking longingly at the door through which Noah had left only a few minutes before. 

“He’ll be back.”

“When?”

“Nicky, do you get worried Noah won’t come back?”

The blue eyes grew decidedly suspicious at that question. “He _is_ coming back.”

It was almost a threat, she thought. As though Nicholas were saying, “He’d better come back or there’ll be hell to pay!”

She nodded. “Yes, he is.” 

He studied her for a moment and then lay flat on his stomach, picking up a colored pen and setting to work on a new drawing. 

“What about Josh?” she asked, seeing whether she could steer him down a different path.

The pen stopped moving and he stared down at the paper.

“Nicky?” she asked again.

“Josh didn’t come back.”

“Why not?”

Nicholas sat up on his backside and scratched his nose. “Luke says Josh is sick in the hop-i-tal.” Again she could see his little mind working as he frowned to himself. Nicholas stared with longing back at the door. “Josh got mad.”

Dr. Mishra held her breath, waiting to hear what he would say next.

“Josh got mad like Mommy.”

And there it was! 

She didn’t push anymore. It was enough for the day. She kept silent and watched as he returned to his drawing. 

By a stroke of fate they made two breakthroughs that session; Nicholas spoke to her for the first time, and he mentioned his mother. 

Slowly and with more sessions, the rest would come.

***

Kneeling in her floral swimsuit, Mia would carefully consider each bucket of sand. She’d load the blue bucket using the matching spade, carefully pile op sand until the bucket was full. Then she would carefully pat the sand down, nice and tight, like Luke had shown her. She’d tip the bucket, shake it gently and then slowly lift it up. 

But, no matter how careful she was, the top of her castle would always get grazed by the edge of the bucket and collapse on one side. 

Luke thought her funny, because even if she did eventually master the art enough to create the perfect shape, she was building her structure way too close to the shore. A dying wave would eventually wash past her feet to steal the castle away. 

Still, she was obviously enjoying the challenge and he and Noah enjoyed watching her. 

He lifted his eyes to the ocean and searched to find Josh and Nicholas playing in the water. Josh stood waste deep and the ocean was calm, so he had Nicholas lying flat out on his surfboard. He would hold the board steady and wait for the heavy set of waves to pass, before sending the overjoyed Nicholas riding along on a softer, gentler wave. 

“I think it’s time to get him his own board,” Noah said, sitting by Luke’s side on the large beach towel. “He really loves it out there.” 

Luke smiled and nodded, before using his thumb to wipe a blob of mayo from the corner of Noah’s lips.

“Mmm,” Noah said, nodding and taking the final bite of his chicken mayonnaise sandwich, “thanks.”

“He looks good, doesn’t he?” Luke asked.

“Hmm?”

“Josh? I mean, I know he’s only been gone for a week, but he looks better somehow.”

Noah waited until he’d swallowed his mouthful before saying, “I really hope so, Luke.”

Luke sighed, turning his gaze from Noah and back to Josh. “I kinda miss having him around.” 

“I know.”

“Three months! It’s a long time, you know? Especially for a kid.”

“Well, the school agreed to take him back as soon has he’s done, and the center are schooling him in the meantime. He has everything he needs there.”

“Just no parents and no us.”

Noah stared at Luke until Luke looked back at him. “Are you having second thoughts about this?”

Luke shrugged. “I guess I’m just remembering what it was like for me. How I’d read something negative into everything my parents did to try and help. And I can’t help but wonder what Josh really thinks about us sending him away. I don’t want him to feel deserted or betrayed in some way.”

Noah wiped his hands on a strip of paper towel so he could rub circles on Luke’s shirtless back. Noah's touch was solid and warm. Luke leaned back into it. 

“Look," Noah said, "I know I’m looking at this from a completely different perspective than you. And I realize that I can never fully understand what it’s like. But, I really believe we’ve done the right thing here.” Luke’s plaintive brown eyes met his and Noah reached behind Luke's neck to pull their foreheads together. “Luke, the kids are safe and Josh is in a place that can really help him. In more ways than we can hope to at home.”

Luke nodded. “I know, but what if it’s not enough?”

“What do you mean?” Noah drew his head back.

“What happens if we try everything and we still can’t help him? I mean, the person has to want it, right? A point must be reached where it all comes down to Josh. “

Noah nodded. He too let his gaze fall on the two boys frolicking in the water, for all the world like their greatest problem in life was what to have for dinner. From the outside, they just looked like two happy brothers, but inside they both harbored a painful past. 

“I guess we just have to hope, Luke,” he replied, “and we try to make Josh understand who he is to us. He needs to know just how much we care…”

“Love, Noah. How much we love him.” Luke smiled.

Noah’s eyes shined in response to the smile. “He needs to know that we will love him, whatever happens.” 

***

Being in rehab was one of the scariest things Josh had ever had to go through. He shared a room with eight other boys, sleeping on bunk-beds. Each boy would suffer withdrawals at different times, which meant sleep was hard to come by. 

When it was his turn to suffer, the lack of privacy made Josh bite the pillow in his attempt not to be heard, not to appear weak.

He hated it. 

He missed his early morning surfing and his daily chats with Nicholas. He missed Mia’s amazing smile. But most of all he missed Luke and Noah. The only two people in the world who really understood him. 

He wasn’t angry at them. Josh got why they sent him away. And like Noah said, it wasn’t as if he didn’t get to see them on weekends.

But he hated rehab. 

To get through the week, he put his head down and kept mainly to himself, losing himself in his schoolbooks. Consequently he had already managed to ostracize himself, and the other boys teased him constantly. Josh couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to his old self. Where had the self assured, confident and successful guy gone? It was like he had a complete personality transplant. 

When his adopted family picked him up from rehab on the Friday night, he’d put on his bravest face. He wouldn’t make this difficult for them. He wouldn’t admit how hard he was finding it. If he had to get through these 90 days for their sake, then he’d do it. His reward would mean he could move back in with them.

But, as much as he loved living with them, what he really wanted more than anything, was for his mother to accept him for who he truly was. More and more it felt like that would never happen.

The phone rang just as he came up the hallway after his shower. Luke was tickling Mia on the carpet and Nicholas was trying to jump in on the act, squealing alongside Mia. It was Noah who picked up the phone.

“Hello, Marion,” he said, his eyes locking with Josh’s, “how are you? Good, I’m glad… Yes, he’s right here.”

Josh vehemently shook his head and hands to indicate he didn’t wish to speak to her, but Noah continued to hold the phone out toward him.

Josh blew an annoyed whoosh of air from his nose and took the phone. “Hello?” 

Both Luke and Noah were keeping an eye on him as they entertained the kids.

“Hello, Josh,” his mother said.

“Hi.”

“Um, I just wanted to ask how the week went.” she began. “Noah told me they checked you into a rehab clinic?”

“Yes. It was fine.”

“That’s good. It’s good, Josh.”

“Thanks.”

“Anyway,” she continued, “next Saturday we’re having a family lunch. Uncle Ed and Aunt Fay will be visiting from Texas with your cousins…”

“That’s nice.” 

“Yes and, I guess I wanted to know whether you would come?”

Josh lifted at this. She wanted him to go? She wanted him to attend a function where family would be present? Did that mean what he hoped it meant? Was she ready to accept him?

“You want me to go?” Josh asked.

“If you can make it, it would mean a lot to me, son. I… I really want you here. It won’t be the same without you.”

Josh smiled even as a few tears fell. 

Luke and Noah were both looking at him questioningly.

“Okay, Mom. I’d really love to go.”

“Good,” she replied, “so… I’ll see you next weekend. Saturday at eleven.”

“Yes.”

“Bye, then.”

“Goodbye.” He hung up and looked at the receiver in his hands for a few moments. Then he beamed at Luke and Noah.

“Well,” asked Luke, smiling back, “it’s good news I take it?”

“Yeah! She invited me for a family lunch.”

“Really?” asked Noah.

“Yes!” he laughed. “That’s good, right? I mean if she’s willing to have me there with the whole family… That must mean something, right?” 

“Sounds like it!” Luke agreed, also getting excited and hopping up off the floor to give Josh a quick hug. 

“That’s great, Josh. Another step, hey?” Noah said.

Josh nodded with happiness. Suddenly things were looking up. 

“Well, what do you say we celebrate with some choc-chip ice-cream?” Luke asked.

As if the word ‘ice-cream’ were a coded message for ‘get up and run to the kitchen’, Nicholas disappeared in that direction, before either one of the older men had made a move themselves. They all laughed as Josh lifted Mia up on one hip to follow his little best friend. 

**Author note: Geez! This one has really turned out a bit deep, right? Must be the mood I'm in lately or something! LOL! Anyway I hope you enjoy it. Please do let me know what you think.**


	12. Chapter 12

After spending an entire day at the Charterhouse School, Luke sat at the dinner table assiduously typing up his written notes. 

The headmaster of Josh’s school, Mr Hart, had given him permission to interview students, on condition he protected their identities and refrained from mentioning the school by name. 

Excited by the responses he received, and since it was nearing the end of the day anyway, Luke returned home to write, rather than to the noisy press office and the prying eyes of Jenna.

“Okay if I leave now, Luke?” asked Jasmine, just arriving from the hallway after giving both children their bath.

Nicholas and Mia, dressed in their pajamas, ran ahead of her and plopped themselves down ready to watch a DVD. 

Luke smiled. “Yeah, no problem, thanks, Jas.”

“Are you sure? You look pretty busy. I don’t mind waiting for Noah.”

“Thanks, but he’ll be back soon. It’s fine! There’s no point both of us being here.”

Jasmine finished loading up a DVD for the kids, before kissing them both goodbye and fetching her bag from the coat hook by the door.

“Okay, see you tomorrow.”

“Bye, Jas, and thanks.”

Once she was gone, Luke immediately returned to his work, tuning out the sounds of the animated film playing in the background. 

It was astonishing how many of the kids from Josh’s school were willing to admit to him that they used, or had at least tried some or other illegal substance. They were almost keen to tell him, as though this elevated their status and made them feel ‘cool’ in someway.

It just reinforced his feeling that the entertainment industry had a lot to answer for. These kids were experimenting because that was what their idols did. Because they’d been made to believe it was no big deal. 

These kids had stable upbringings. They weren’t trying to escape from neglect or abuse. Most of these kids would enjoy the heady effects of drug-taking and then stop as soon as they reached adulthood. But for a few of these kids, those who for some reason found their almost perfect lives shattered, the drugs would become friends and take hold completely.

Kids like Josh. 

Despite the subject on Luke’s mind, the sound of Noah’s truck pulling into the drive made him smile. Mia and Nicholas immediately jumped up to run and wait by the door. 

“Noah!” Nicholas called excitedly, gripping the poor man around both legs before he’d even crossed the doorstep. 

Noah stumbled slightly and had to hold on to the door frame to keep from falling over. 

“Whoa, hang on you two! Let me get inside the house!” Noah laughed and both children moved back to allow him in the door. “Okay, which one first.”

“Me, me, me!” Both kids bounced up and down with a hand in the air. 

Noah looked from one to the other as though seriously contemplating which to pick up first. Finally he smiled. “Okay, both then!”

Noah squatted down low and caught a child in each arm, easily lifting both of them at the same time. 

“Kiss?” he asked them.

Nicholas grabbed Noah’s cheeks and kissed him on the lips and Mia stretched her neck up to get him on the chin. 

“How are my two favorite people?”

“Hey!” Luke protested, walking over.

Noah smiled and leaned in toward him. “I’m sorry, three favorite people…”

Luke kissed him on the lips. “We’re all good thanks. And it would seem that somebody’s in a good mood, hey?”

Noah laughed. “That obvious, is it?”

“Noah, you wanna watch Wall-E with us?” a hopeful Mia asked. 

“Well, baby, that does sound like fun, but you know what sounds like even more fun?”

“What?” Nicholas asked, sensing a surprise coming on.

“Going out for burgers!”

“YEAH!” Both children shrieked with excitement. They wriggled to get down and prepare to leave.

“Burgers, ha?” Luke asked, hands on hips. “What’s the occasion?”

“Oh, nothing,” Noah replied as he coolly breezed passed Luke, “I just thought we should go out and… you know… celebrate?”

“NO!” Luke exclaimed, eyes widening.

Noah stopped on his course and turned back to Luke nodding with bright, happy eyes. “Yip!”

“NOAH,” Luke launched himself at the man, kissing every available part of his face as Noah laughed, “you finished?”

“Yeah! The editing is done! Now it’s just sound and music and we have ourselves a movie!” 

“That’s amazing!” Luke exclaimed. “You’re amazing! You said it was gong to take at least another month!”

“I know,” Noah said, holding Luke around his waist, “but once I put my head down, the movie kind of edited itself. I mean the backers still have to approve what I’ve done…”

“Oh, they will!”

“…but, yeah! My first L.A. movie is almost complete!”

Luke leaned up and they shared a long and lingering kiss. 

“I’m _so_ proud of you, Bubby...” Luke said into his neck.

“Thanks,” Noah smiled, wetly.

“NOAH!” Nicholas was already trying to pull on his sneakers.

He left Luke after one more quick kiss, and set to work getting the children ready to go out. 

“What about you?” Noah asked Luke, as he tied the laces on Nicholas’s sneaker. "How was your day at the school?”

“Incredible, actually!” Luke replied squatting down next to him to help Mia with her shoes. “I got some amazing information from the kids. It was scary how willing they were to talk. And one particular dealer… Dean… well, his name was mentioned more than once! He operates out of the San Fernando Valley. It's not far from the Daily News HQ, actually.”

Luke looked up when he realized that Noah had stopped what he was doing to frown at him. Luke raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

“I really hope you’re not thinking what I think you’re thinking!” Noah chided. 

“What?” Luke asked, trying to sound innocent.

“Luke,” Noah’s draw out tone was suddenly stern. It was a tone both the kids knew well and they instantly took note of him. “I want you to promise right now that you aren’t going to go down there to find this Dean person...”

“Noah, I…”

“I mean it!”

Luke stood and turned to unhook Mia’s jacket. When he turned back again Noah was standing right behind him.

Luke sighed, “Noah, if I want to do this job right, there may be times when I need to be in the thick of it.” 

“In the thick of it?” Noah asked incredulously. “Just what do you mean by that, Luke? Interviewing drug dealers on their turf? Getting yourself shot or knifed?”

Luke shook his head. “Come on, Noah! You’re exaggerating!”

“Oh, really? So it’s perfectly safe then? You want to write an article about the dangers of drug abuse and addiction and you think the guys selling the stuff are just gonna welcome you with open arms?” 

“No of course not, but…”

“Luke, I’m asking you, please! Please, don’t do this. For me,” Noah gestured toward Mia and Nicholas; impatiently waiting to leave but standing quiet, sensing the sudden tension between the two men, “and for them…”

Luke looked over at the kids for a minute and then sighed. “Unfair, Mayer…”

“It’s Snyder,” Noah’s eyes were filled with earnestness, “and it’s got nothing to do with fair.” He stepped forward and palmed Luke’s left cheek. “It’s about the fact that we love you and we would kinda like you to stick around, please...” 

Luke relented, rolling his eyes and nodding. “Fine. I don’t like it, but fine.”

Noah smiled and gently kissed him. “Thank you.”

Luke sighed but he smiled and said, “Okay, let’s go get us some burgers!”

“YES!” Nicholas yelled, bolting out of the door the moment Luke opened it.

As Luke jumped in the passenger seat of the car, his mind was already whirling with plans on how he would change Noah’s mind. 

***

Before knocking on the door of the house he’d called home all his life, Josh checked his reflection in the window, smoothing back his hair and checking the collar of his white buttoned up shirt. 

He looked back to find Noah hadn’t driven off yet. The man smiled and waved at him from the cab of his truck. 

Josh had his own car, but Noah insisted on dropping him off. Josh knew it was only because Noah wanted to make sure things weren’t going to blow up from the start. 

Josh took a deep breath, checked his black jeans to make sure they were free of any dust or hair and knocked. 

His mother came to the door dressed in a modest floral skirt and pale pink blouse. Her blonde hair was tied up tight in a bun at the back of her head. A few hairs had escaped the confines of her clips and hung softly; accenting her cheeks. She smiled when she saw him. She was beautiful, but it wasn’t the smile he remembered growing up. That smile had pride and love in it and her eyes would shine or light up at the sight of him. Now, even with the smile, her eyes appeared dull. 

Josh swallowed and chose to ignore that. She had extended the invitation, and if that was all he was going to get for now, then he’d take it. He hoped the rest would follow.

“Hello, Mom,” he shyly smiled.

She seemed unsure of what to do next, but eventually she stepped forward, placing one tentative hand on his shoulder and leaning over to kiss his cheek. 

Josh looked behind him and watched as Noah drove off in his truck, satisfied that all was well with Josh and his mother. 

“Come in,” she said. “Your aunt and uncle haven’t arrived yet. They should be here within half an hour. I thought it would be nice if we were all here when they arrived.”

“Yeah,” Josh agreed and walked past her into the house. 

Whenever he visited, which wasn’t often, the house always feel as strange to him as it was familiar. His stomach would tighten slightly at the memory of that fateful night when his father kicked him out.

Nothing in the layout of the home had changed. The furniture was still in the same position as when he left, and smiling faces still beamed from family photographs, lovingly displayed in expensive guided frames. The house was as it had always been, but the family that lived there was broken, maybe for good. 

“Josh!” His ten year old sister, Lynnie, was obviously excited to see him. She came bounding down the stairs and flew into his arms, making him laugh and lifting his spirits.

“Hey, sis!” 

His other sister, Daisy, was only seven and stood safely back from him. 

“Hello, Daisy. Don’t I get a hug?”

When she shook her head he had to hide his disappointment. But she was little, and he felt sure he could win her over during the course of the day. 

“I miss you guys!” he said.

“We miss you too,” Lynnie told him.

“So, Josh,” his mother asked, “how about you help me with the food? It will be just like old times.”

“I’d love too,” Josh replied, and followed her into the large family kitchen. He could already smell the roast chicken and vegetables cooking in the oven. He thought then just how much he missed his mother’s home cooked meals, even though Luke was one hell of a chef himself. 

“I was hoping I could get you to man the kitchen while I look after the guests,” Marion mentioned. “Would you be able to do that?”

“Sure,” Josh replied, happy to be able to help.

“And, I thought maybe you could make that banana loaf you used to bake, remember?”

He smiled. “Sure, Mom.” 

The doorbell sounded. She jumped and nervously rang her hands together, quickly checking her reflection in the oven door and hurrying to the parlor. Lynnie had already let the guests inside.

Josh followed Marion, watching as she greeted her brother Ed and his wife Fay. Behind them were his two cousin’s Molly, who was nine and Buddy who was eleven. 

“Oh my,” his aunt exclaimed, seeing Josh standing by the kitchen door, “if it ain’t our little Josh! My but you’re turnin’ into one handsome young man! Ain’t he Ed? Come over here and give your auntie a kiss, ya little devil.”

He did and had his cheeks pinched and a wet kiss placed right on his lips. But he smiled sweetly at her. 

“Hello, Uncle Ed, I hope you’re well.” He put his hand out and his uncle shook it, steadily.

“Josh,” he said, “good ta see ya boy! Still top of your game at school, I hope?”

“I’m working on it,” Josh replied. 

Josh spent a few moments saying hello to his little cousins, before they ran off upstairs to play with his sisters. In the meantime, Marion made the guests comfortable on the couches. 

“Josh is doing the cooking today,” his mother said.

“Really?” his aunt replied.

“Well, not really,” Josh said, “Mom put everyth…”

“Yes!” Marion quickly interrupted. “Don’t be so modest, Josh! He’s an excellent cook! You’ll see! And he’s even making us his famous banana loaf.”

Josh gave his mother a confused stare. He wasn’t sure why she was letting him take the credit for the entire meal, but he thought perhaps she was trying to make him feel welcome. 

“Shouldn’t you go and check on things, Josh?” she asked.

Josh nodded. “Yes, okay.”

He found himself in the kitchen for most of the day. 

Whenever he would venture into the sitting room to join the adult conversation, Marion would find a reason for him to return to the kitchen. He began to wonder whether she was doing it on purpose, but he couldn’t think why. His aunt and uncle didn’t seem to be in the least bit worried that he was gay and hadn’t once mentioned his father or their situation. They didn’t seem to have any problem with him being there.

Eventually, Josh decided to give his mother the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she was just trying to give him a sense of achievement. 

He spent ages making sure the table was set just right. He used all the best cutlery and dishes and carefully folded each napkin within a silver ring, setting them neatly across an accompanying side plate. Finally, he had everything ready and decided to let the adults know that dinner could be served.

Because he entered the living room from the dining area rather than from the kitchen, they didn’t see him coming and continued with whatever conversation they were on.

“So,” he heard his uncle say, “how long do you think Miles will be out in India for?”

This statement brought Josh to an instant standstill.

_India?_

“Oh,” his mother replied and he could hear her nervousness, even if his aunt and uncle were missing it, “um… I’m not sure. Perhaps a year, maybe less.” 

She looked up then, startled to see Josh standing there. A strange expression, almost like panic, swept over her face, but she covered it quickly and smiled at him. 

His uncle followed his sister’s gaze to look back at Josh. “Can’t be easy for ya, son? Havin’ your Dad gone away so long? Makes you the man of the house, right?”

Josh was beginning to wonder whether he had heard right. 

“Yes,” he replied, for want of anything else to say.

“Well, I’m sure he’s awful proud of ya!” his aunt exclaimed. “Such a gorgeous boy! Ya must have the little ladies climbin’ through hoops for your attentions!” 

_Little ladies?_

Josh’s eyes locked with his mother’s and all he saw was a profound fear there. He started to shake his head at her. He could feel the blood rushing from his head and his heart pounding. The carpet under his feet felt a mile away. The breath in his lungs rose and fell and finally constricted. There were no boundaries to his body. It might have been water or lava under his feet for all he could feel.

“Is something the matter, son?” his uncle asked with a look of concern.

Josh glanced from his mother to her brother and his wife and felt suddenly sickened. Without saying a word, he turned and left through the front door. 

“Josh! Josh, wait!” Marion came running down the garden path to grab at his elbow, which he violently yanked from her grasp. 

“They don’t know?" he screamed at her. "They don’t know anything! They don’t know about Dad! They… they don’t know about me! They think I still live you, don’t they?”

Tears clouded his mother’s eyes and she shook her head over and over. 

“Josh,” wrinkles deepened as she pleaded, “they won’t understand!"

"Who CARES?" he yelled.

"Hell, I don’t understand!” she retorted. 

The tightness in his chest pressed harder. Josh thought he might fall into a sobbing mass on the ground. 

“You’re never gonna, are you?” he painfully asked.

She sniffed and hugged her arms into herself. “No,” she quietly admitted, “I don’t think I can. I don’t think I can ever accept it. And I know they never will…”

Josh struggled to breathe, but he took in as much air as he could. “That’s why you invited me, right?”

“Josh…”

“Not because you’re accepting me… Not even because you really wanted me here… But because you didn’t want them to ask any questions, right? I’m like your cover or something!” 

“Please…”

Heartbroken, he wiped the tears from his eyes. “Goodbye, Mom.”

“No,” she yelled, running around in front of him, “Josh, please stay! What am I supposed to tell them?”

He stared at her, no longer able to recognize the woman who had raised him. “You do what you’ve been doing so well up till now, Mom… You lie!” 

Josh pushed her aside and began a stumbled and shocked walk down the street. He walked for miles, directionless and in a haze of tears and pain. He cried until his stomach ached with it. The ache was so great he had to stop every now and again, bent over with a hacking cough. His hands trembled and he felt chilled right through to his bones. 

Josh struggled with the problem that was his life. Was this it then? Was he supposed to live the rest of his days as a family outcast? Dependent on the charity of Luke and Noah? 

_Why can’t she be there for me? Why can’t she try to understand? Why can’t they still be like a regular family? Why can’t they be normal?_

He stopped on the sidewalk to recover from another coughing fit, sucking in a deep breath and squeezing his eyes closed. He wheezed as he struggled to take in enough air to calm his racing heart. Josh clenched his fists at the tremendous pressure, the crumbling hope he’d stored up all week bursting inside his soul. 

“’ey, Josh, ees that you?” 

Josh looked up through a river of tears to meet the comforting promise of Benoit’s eyes, staring at him from the window of his brand new maroon BMW; a present from his father.

“What ‘as ‘appened to you?” 

Quickly Josh wiped at his face, trying to clean up as best he could. He didn't want to appear a total wimp in front of his friend. 

Benoit sighed at the state of him.

“Get in...” he motioned toward the passenger seat of the car and Josh watch the lock pop up in invitation. 


	13. Chapter 13

Luke continued to watch Noah’s concentrated brow for as long as he could stand it, he released a loud and exasperated sigh.

Noah looked up at Luke through long dark lashes, “What?”

“Are you going to move anytime soon, or are we going to be playing this game all week?” Luke pouted.

“Hey,” Noah said with mock annoyance from his side of the sofa, “while he was teaching you to play, did Reid ever happen to tell you you’re way too impatient for the game of chess?”

“No, he didn't!” Luke replied. Then after a long pause, "He said I was too impulsive, actually.” 

Noah smiled his agreement and moved his black pawn up one square.

Luke snickered merrily to himself as his white knight took Noah’s offered up pawn. 

“What’s so funny?” a suspicious Noah asked him. 

“First rule of chess, Noah, never give any pieces away for free...”

“I didn’t,” Noah insisted, “that move was part of my cunning battle plan...”

“Oh really?” Luke raised an eyebrow at him. 

Noah laughed. “Who made up that rule anyway, you or Reid?” As he spoke, Noah decided to move his remaining bishop diagonally left.

“That rule’s mine actually," Luke replied, “but... this one…” Luke moved his castle over one square, "this rule is Reid’s! Check mate!” He grinned cheekily at Noah.

“It’s not fair you know,” Noah grumbled flicking his king over, “I wasn’t trained by a grand master!” 

“All it takes is practice. Wanna go again?”

“And lose again? No, thank you! But…”

“But…?”

“There is something I _would_ like to do…” He lifted his blue eyes to focus in on Luke.

Luke knew that deliberate look well and his body instantly started to tingle. “Oh, yeah?”

Noah crawled over the sofa toward him. The chess board, which had lain between them, went flying onto the floor, most of the pieces following behind. Luke laughed at the chaos Noah was creating.

“This…” Noah said with a grin. On arms and legs he dipped his head for a second and then pressed their lips together. Luke felt his tongue pass over something solid and he quizzically drew back. 

He lifted his thumb and finger to his mouth and withdrew the saliva soaked pawn Noah had so seductively passed over to him.

“Only you would find a way to make chess sexy,” Luke laughed, grabbing at Noah’s neck and drawing him closer. Noah's weight sent him falling backward on top of the remaining chess pieces. 

Noah pressed his face into Luke's chests, smiling up at him and cupping one cheek, pinkie hooking behind one ear. 

Luke was just bending over for another taste of him when his cell phone buzzed. 

They both sighed.

“Hold that thought,” Luke instructed and Noah lifted his upper body to allow Luke loose from the sofa. 

Luke searched the various surfaces for his phone and found it on the dining table. “Hello?” he said without checking the display. 

“Luke? It’s Josh.”

It was instantly clear that the boy was upset.

“Hey? Are you okay?”

Noah must have seen the look on Luke’s face because he got up to approach him. 

“Not really… Can you come get me?”

Luke sadly shook his head at Noah while getting directions to Josh’s location.

“Okay, kid. Sit tight, we’ll be there as soon as we can.”

***

Benoit found a relatively quiet spot at lookout point, along Mulholland drive. There were a few other vehicles parked there; tourists mostly; enjoying the magnificent eagle-eye views over Los Angeles. 

Wanting privacy, he parked as far from the other cars as possible.

Josh hadn’t said a word on the drive up, he’d just stared at the world passing by the window, sniffing.

Occasionally, Benoit would look over at him, frowning, but he remained silent, sensing that this was what Josh wanted. 

The car stopped and Josh didn’t hesitate to climb out. He slammed the door; shuffled over to the barrier fringing the edge of the road that dropped steeply down a rocky outcrop. He clenched his fists at his sides; his head turning slowly a full 180 as his eyes took in the expanse of the view. Then he released a scream of frustration so loud it caused an entire flock of blackbirds to take flight from the trees in a flutter of wings.

He screamed at the resulting echoes for at least a minute more; stood breathless, chest heaving in and out. He looked back toward the car, where Benoit sat on the hood, already smoking a joint and watching him calmly with interest. 

“You are... what do zay call it…? Crazy fucked up!” Benoit stated. 

A tear stained Josh stared at his friend for a heartbeat and then burst out laughing, keeling over and clenching his stomach in hysterics. Benoit joined in, grinning madly. They loudly laughed for some time; until Josh eventually joined Benoit on the hood of the car. 

“Fuck it!” Josh said, pulling his feet up and hugging in his knees.

They sat in silence for a while.

Benoit drew on his joint. He let out puffs of smoke from the corners of his mouth, white wisps that curled past his head and briefly fogged his features before disappearing into the cool afternoon breeze. Josh sat alongside Benoit feeling suddenly very much alive, excited, finding the fresh air and his friend’s relaxed company exhilarating; even through the omnipresent and tempting smell of smoke. Suddenly, all of life’s possibilities spread out before him in a tantalizing array of limitless prospects. He was free! He was, he realized, completely out from under parental control and could do what he wanted. 

How many other teens could say that?

Maybe he’d join the Marines and sail around the world with them…

Benoit took one more puff of his joint; passed the stub over to Josh, but Josh shook his head.

“You no want?” Benoit asked, surprised.

“I can’t, man,” Josh said, lying back on the hood of the car. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I want to! A lot! But, I was really lucky, you know? That Luke and Noah took me in. And they’re counting on me…”

Benoit nodded his understanding. “I miss you at ze school.” 

Josh smiled. “Thanks.”

“For what?” 

“For sticking with me...”

Benoit shrugged like it was no big deal. “You are fun guy…”

Josh rolled onto his elbow and admired his friend. He leaned over and kissed Benoit. The kiss felt great and he wanted more, it wasn’t enough this time. He wanted to feel Benoit’s arms around him. He wanted Benoit to make everything all right again. But, as Josh made a move to get closer to him, the other boy pushed him back.

“I like ze girls, Josh… yes?” Benoit was looking deeply into his eyes and Josh saw he meant it. Benoit smiled at him. “You are nice… ze kiss… it nice, but it just kisses… yes?” Benoit tried to explain.

Josh didn't understand what he meant by that, but he nodded none-the-less, lying back down beside him. He was disappointed but not surprised. He’d always suspected as much anyway. 

Benoit lit another joint and lay back beside Josh, staring up at the puffy clouds. They seemed to be gravitating together into darker grey masses that would later result in rain.

“I wish I could be more like you, Benoit,” Josh whispered. 

They lay on the car for hours, just talking, passing the time with random conversation and carefully staying clear of the topic which had brought them there. Instead, Benoit launched into a lengthy, bewildering storytelling, partially in English, partially in French, which Josh could scarcely comprehend. He was sure he was interpreting the story incorrectly, but he kept nodding, listening and enjoying the rise and fall of Benoit’s accent none the less. 

“So, tomorrow we go.” 

“Sorry?” Josh’s thought’s had drifted off into a thankful kind of nothingness for a minute and he hadn’t been concentrating on what Benoit was saying.

“We go home… tomorrow.”

“Who does?” Josh asked.

“I zay… my papa et maman zey concilier? Zey, together again… Papa and me, we move back to Paris… tomorrow.”

Josh shot up to a seated position. “You’re leaving?”

Benoit lay with one hand behind his head while the other held the joint in place. He draw enticingly on it and looked up at Josh, nodding.

“You’re leaving. For good. Tomorrow. And you only thought to tell me this now?” Josh asked annoyed and then realized something. “Hang on! You ran into me by accident just now… so were you EVER going to tell me? Or were you just going to leave? Like that! Without a word!”

Benoit seemed surprised by Josh’s sudden outburst. “You know me…” he said matter-of-factly, “I do what ‘appens next…”

“Yeah,” Josh spat, “whatever! Thanks for nothing!” He jumped off the hood of the car. “Fuck you, Benoit!” Josh turned and began the long walk back down to central Los Angeles. 

“’ey?” he heard Benoit call. “Where you going?”

Josh didn’t turn around. He left Benoit parked there and sped up his gait. Once he knew he had rounded the bend and was out of sight, he allowed the shakes to take over. He couldn’t feel his legs anymore so he took a seat on a boulder behind some bushes. That way if Benoit followed in his car, he wouldn’t see Josh from the road. 

Benoit, beautiful Benoit, his last remaining friend… gone for good. 

Josh wanted a hit then. It was a good thing he was up in the hills or he would have headed right for Dean and his supplies. Instead he rooted in his jeans for his phone and pressed dial.

It rang for a while and he panicked thinking there’d be no answer, but then he heard the friendly, “Hello?”

“Luke? It’s Josh.”

“Hey? Are you okay?”

“Not really… Can you come get me?”

***

In the end Noah went alone to fetch Josh. Nicholas and Mia were having an afternoon nap and Luke was still under a driving ban. He found the boy standing in the rain, tossing stones down into the valley below. Josh’s stressed face turned into pure relief at the sight of Noah’s truck. 

“Hey.,” Noah greeted as Josh stepped up into the cab and closed the door, “how did you end up why out here?”

Josh reached back to pull the seat belt round his body and click it into place. “Can we not talk about it?” he asked, pushing the wet strands of hair out of his face.

“Sure,” Noah nodded and they drove home in silence. 

Luke was feeding the kids their dinner by the time they walked in the door.

“Hello, Josh!” Nicholas yelled excitedly, making a move to leave his chair.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Luke exclaimed. “After dinner, okay, buddy?”

Nicholas nodded. “Josh, we’re having sausage!”

“That’s great, Nicky,” Josh replied, obviously trying to muscle enthusiasm up from a place where he didn’t feel it, “eat up, okay?”

Nicholas nodded as he eagerly stuck the sausage-clad fork in his mouth and happily chewed. 

“Yum!” Mia exclaimed beside Nicholas as Luke cut her sausage into small pieces. 

Once the kids were occupied with their meals, Luke approached Josh and gave him a hug. “You okay?” Luke froze for a minute, staring at Noah over Josh’s back. He pulled out of the hug, gripping Josh by his elbows and looking him in the eyes. “Josh, have you been smoking weed?”

Josh looked horrified, stepping back and lifting his collar to smell himself. He shook his head wildly at them. “No, I swear! Benoit was smoking! I didn’t have any! You can ask him!”

“Benoit,” Noah asked, “your French friend?”

Josh nodded.

“He wasn’t with you when I picked you up?”

“No,” Josh said, walking past Luke and then turning to face them. “He picked me up on the side of the road this afternoon after…”

“…after?” a worried Luke asked. 

Josh’s eye’s welled with tears and he shook his head. “Please. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Josh,” Luke approached him and hugged the boy again. “Josh, what happened at lunch today?”

“It was completely fucked up!” Josh exclaimed and then remembered the children and pulled out of the embrace to slap a hand over his mouth. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Noah replied, “why don’t you take a seat? I’ll make us all a drink and we can talk this through. It’s obvious you’re upset.”

After Nicholas and Mia had finished eating and were occupied with a pile of toys, Josh set about telling them the afternoon’s events.

“So, do you still want to tell me she’ll come around?” Josh asked, sniffing. 

Luke countered that with a story of his own.

***

_Luke was done! He was done with the lying and he was done with the pretending and he was definitely sick to the stomach from the pressure of hiding. Things were totally out of control._ _He was drinking past the point of return. And to his horror, he was finding the effects of alcohol more and more appealing and difficult to resist._

_And, Jade, who for a while had pretended to be his girlfriend, was now throwing herself at his father in her desperate attempt to remain in the Snyder home._

_He should never have accepted help from this girl who had lied about being his Aunt Rose’s daughter and was a proven thief._ _No matter what happened. Not matter the result. He had to come out! Right now! He had to tell his parents the truth!_

_He paced the carpet of the sitting room nervously awaiting this father, who at that very moment was telling Jade to leave for good._

_Luke started speaking as soon as Holden walked through the front door. “Dad… Dad, I am so sorry! This is all my fault.”_

_“You are not responsible for Jade’s actions.”_

_“No, I am. I am!” Luke insisted. “I’m the only reason that she’s here! This whole thing is just so…!” He turned away and then back again. “I can’t believe she tried to kiss you!”_

_Sensing that his son was in some kind of state of crisis, Holden tried to talk down the kiss with Jade. "_ _You know what?” he said. “People… I don’t know… they… they do crazy things just after breakups.” Holden dismissed that and asked with concern, “How about you? I mean, this was your first real relationship... Must be tough on you? It’s probably Jade’s first real relationship as well.”_

_“Dad, the only thing that’s tough on Jade is finding another place to live. There was no breakup.”_

_“Sure looks like a breakup to me.”_

_“Yeah, but that’s all it was… was looks. There was no breakup because there was no relationship.”_

_Holden frowned at him. “Okay… so… maybe Jade wasn’t the one. You learn from experience. There will be other girls…”_

_“No, Dad,” Luke sighed, “there won’t. This whole thing with Jade was a scam.”_

_“You mean how she got here?” Holden asked._

_“I mean… everything between us.” Luke could feel his heart pounding as the moment grew closer. “We weren’t in love.”_

_“Well, maybe it wasn’t that kind of love.”_

_“We never slept together. There was nothing between us!” Luke said the last two sentences over his father, sensing that his father was perhaps, in some way, trying to prevent his words._

_“You told your Mom and me that…”_

_“I know. I lied.”_

_They stood staring at each other. Each waiting for the other to continue._

_Finally Luke did, “So, you gonna ask?”_

_There was a pause as Holden tried to collect his thoughts. “You said that you had something to tell me, so I assume you will.”_

_Luke began to understand._ _“But I don’t need to… do I?” he asked his father, ‘cause… ‘cause you already know…”_

_“I don’t know anything,” Holden replied. “I’ve wondered… about a lot of things…”_

_Luke shook his head. “But you never asked… Because you didn’t want to know… and I understand that.”_

_“Well good because I don’t. I love you. You’re my son. That never changes.”_

_Luke felt his palms getting sweaty. “Yeah?”_

_Luke so needed to believe his father meant what he said._

_“Yeah,” Holden’s answer was sure and steadfast, “it’s just you and me. Tell me…”_

_Luke smiled at him. “Look at you! You’re just standing there! Always so patient.”_

_His breath shuddered._

_Holden nodded. “That never changes.”_

_“Well, you say that now, but…”_

_“No, I mean it,” Holden insisted, “there’s nothing that you can’t tell me.”_

_Luke nodded his head a few times. “Okay. Okay. The reason that Jade will be the only girlfriend I ever have is because…”_

_“Ah, that is not true.” His heavily pregnant mother entered the room._

_“Wha…?”_

_“I’m sorry to interrupt but, I can’t sit still at that!” Lily exclaimed, walking over to where her two boys stood. “Jade is not the only girl in the world, honey!”_

_“Lily…” Holden said, trying to rescue the situation, “Luke and Jade broke up…”_

_“Oh…” Lily replied, “that’s good.”_

_“…and he was about to tell us…”_

_“Oh I know…” she said with her usual caring nature, gripping him by his elbows. “Honey… I know… I see it. I see you’re hurting. But you’ll heal. That girl was not right for you.”_

_Luke felt like crying. “Yeah, but Mom, no girl would ever be…”_

_“Oh, I know… I know it feels like that right now…” she continued, oblivious to how hard she was making the moment for him. “…that you’ll never find somebody that means that much to you. But that’s not true. You’re a wonderful guy…”_

_“Mom! Mom!” He kept trying to gain her attention but she wasn’t listening._

_“I know! I’m sorry. I’m biased…”_

_Eventually Luke had to raise his voice. “Mom, please stop!”_

_“…I apologize but, you’re smart and sensitive and caring… and you’re so handsome! And girls are going to be falling all over you…”_

_“Lily,” Holden tried to interrupt where Luke had failed, “we were in the middle of something…”_

_Lily looked disappointed that she wasn’t wanted. “Oh. Oh, I’m sorry…”_

_Luke felt terrible. “No…”_

_“…I didn’t mean to interrupt you two…”_

_“No Mom, it’s okay. Please! Please stay.”_

_“Is that what you want?” Holden asked._

_“Yeah. Yeah. Let me just… Let me just do this once.” Luke was amazed at how hard this was._

_“What’s going on?” Lily asked, looking between the two of them and for the first time, sensing the tension in the air._

_“Luke has something that he needs to tell us.” Holden explained._

_This was his moment. Luke took a deep breath. “I’ve done some pretty rotten things in the last few months and I’ve made your lives so much harder than they needed to be.”_

_“Honey, I am fine.” His mother insisted._

_“I know. I mean I hope so,” his throat kept closing up on him, making it difficult to speak, “I’m counting on that because I’m just so tired of lying.”_

_“About?” Lily asked._

_“About me. About who I am.” Then after a pause, “I’m gay.” When Lily’s face fell Luke quickly jumped in. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m **so** sorry.”_

_“You’re gay?” she whispered, checking she had heard him right._

_“Yeah,” Luke whispered back._

_There was a long pause between the three of them which eventually became too much for Luke and he said, “Please say something!”_

_But to his horror, his mother remained silent, turned her back and walked away from him. He felt panic rise up inside._

_“Luke,” his father tried to explain away his mother’s behavior, “I think your Mom just needs a little time.”_

_“Dad, this is not going to go away! This a part of who I am!”_

_“Luke, nobody is...”_

_“And Mom, it’s not like I just woke up this morning and decided to be gay. This is something I’ve been carrying around for years! And… now that it’s out… I’ve got to talk! I’ve got to talk! It hurts too much to just keep it in like it’s some kind of contagious disease or something! I lied because I didn’t want to hurt you, but I ended up hurting you anyways and I hurt myself too. And… I guess I was just so afraid… I was so afraid of seeing this look on your face and… and the disappointment in Dad’s eyes! And not just for today, but for the rest of my life!”_

_He was babbling, he knew he was, but now the plug had been pulled and he needed to say all the things he’d stored up in his heart for years!_

_“Luke…” his father placated, “…don’t be getting any assumptions here…”_

_“No, no… I know what she’s feeling. She doesn’t have to say a word. I know she hates me.”_ _Luke wanted her to refute his words. He wanted her to speak up. But she turned her back to him once more._ _Please say something!” he pleaded with her._

_She faced him. "_ _I don’t… I really have no idea what to say…” she mumbled, staring at him as though seeing him for the first time._

_“Lily," Holden softly said, “I know that this is a lot to take in…”_

_“Did you know about this?” she accused him._

_“I… I suspected…” he admitted. “But I didn’t know for sure and then, with Jade in the picture…”_

_“That’s right!” Lily exclaimed, her eyes lighting up. “Jade!” She turned to her son. “I… I found you two in bed together… Wha… what was that about?”_

_Luke shook his head. “The whole thing with Jade was just… just for effect…”_

_“So… so you had sex with that girl just to cover up this truth that you’re so sure about?” she asked._

_“No, Mom. I never had sex with Jade. I’ve never had sex with any girl.”_

_The thin thread of hope she had clung to then snapped, so she changed tactics. "_ _That just proves it," she said, “you don’t have any experience to base this on. Honey, you are too young to know what you want! You can’t be sure.”_

_“I am sure.”_

_“What about that massive crush you had on Meredith last summer?”_

_“Oh, Mom, we were just friends!” Luke insisted._

_“What about all the other girls that come in and out of this house?”_

_“They’re friends. Not girlfriends. I never thought about them in the way other guys did. I guess… Look, Mom, I can’t even remember not ever feeling gay.”_

_“Ag! This has been a very difficult year for everyone, especially for you. You were sick. Your grandmother’s been ill. Your father and I got back together again. It’s normal to be confused.”_

_“I’m not confused.”_

_“I think we need to give Luke the benefit of the doubt here.” Holden’s voice had warning in it, as he tried to protect his son by getting her to see what she was doing to him._

_“This is a decision that will affect the rest of his life!” she exclaimed as though Holden didn’t already know that._

_“Mom…this is not a decision.” Luke tried to explain._

_“This is something that he’s been living with for a very long time.” Holden told her._

_“This is very new for me!” she said almost with anger. “Excuse me!”_

_“Mom, please, just don’t be angry.” Luke begged._

_“I’m not angry. I’m so sad. For you! I look at you and I just see my seven year old little boy running around this house… He used to tell me everything! About what happened at school, about what happened with his friends! You used to tell me all your secrets… What happened?”_

_“Mom, don’t make this about you.”_

_“No," she exclaimed, “this is not about…! Well, it is about me! And it’s about you and your sisters and your father! It’s about us and your family!”_

_“No, Mom!” Luke as adamant now. “This is about me! This about **my** life!” _

_“He’s right,” Holden was trying to keep his voice even._

_Lily ran a hand over her forehead and laughed in frustration. "_ _So you’re just… you’re just willing to accept this?” she asked her husband._

_“He’s our son,” Holden reminded her, "this is who he is and you need to respect that truth.”_

_“How can you be so calm about this?” she asked Holden. “Don’t you have any feelings about it at all?”_

_“Of course I do.”_

_“You’re standing there like the voice of reason and I’m falling apart.”_

_“Mom!”_

_“Luke,” his father held a hand out to him, “I think your Mom has a right to her feelings.”_

_“Don’t talk for me, please!” she spat._

_“Lily, I think that Luke needs to know that you still love him and accept him.”_

_To her credit she paused for only a moment. "_ _Of course, I love you.” she expressed to Luke._ _But before she could continue Jade walked in the room. Lily took one look at her and flew in her direction. "_ _Ah, yes," Lily yelled, "I was wondering when you’d show up!”_

_“What are you doing here?” Luke asked Jade; standing between her and his mother._

_“I wanna help,” Jade told him._

_“You can’t help! Go!”_

_“No," Lily insisted, “I want Jade to stay! How long has she known? Has she known since the first day she was here? I want to hear what Jade has to say about all of this!”_

_“I already explained about Jade!” Luke told her._

_“No," Lily yelled again, “I want to hear it from her!”_

_“Lily, I think Jade should leave.” Holden said, trying to defuse the situation._

_“Are you okay?” Jade asked Luke, and for a moment Luke thought he saw genuine concern._

_“I’m fine and my Dad’s right,” Luke told her, “please go!”_

_“I’m just trying to help!” she indignantly told him._

_“By getting Luke to lie to us?” Lily asked._

_“I didn’t think you were ready to hear the truth.” Jade counted._

_“Oh stop it, Jade,” Luke shouted at her, annoyed, “the only thing you care about is having a roof over your head.”_

_“And I was willing to work for it!” she explained. “I spent hours with the girls when you were in the hospital! Doing the laundry…”_

_“Oh, please," Lily shouted, “the only thing I remember about you is you being naked in my son’s room with a sheet wrapped around you.”_

_“I know…” Luke said, standing once more in front of Jade and addressing his mother directly, “…and I never should have gone alone with that! I’m sorry!”_

_“So this is all my fault?” Jade bellowed. “Holden, you were they one who pushed me to be with him! To play the girlfriend!” Then to Luke, “He practically begged me to make you straight!”_

_“Shut up!” Luke warned, gripping her elbows._ _The situation was getting way out of control._

_“Face it, Lily,” Jade told her, “the biggest liar in this room isn’t me or Luke! It’s your own husband!”_

_“What is she talking about?” Lily asked him._

_“Does the name Kevin Davies sound familiar?” Jade asked._

_“Get out!” Luke barked._

_“Yip! That’s right! Luke had a big-old man crush on Kevin…”_

_“Stop it, Jade!” Holden instructed._

_But Jade was on a roll. “Yeah, and Holden grilled me about it and practically begged me to hang out with Luke.”_

_“That is not true,” Luke stated with confidence._

_“Yes,” Holden admitted, “I encouraged it. So, if we are going to get everything out in the open, let’s start with me. I confided in Jade because I thought that Luke was hiding something from us.”_

_Lily glared at him. “So you gave this so called relationship your blessing?”_

_“No,” but then Holden relented, “yes, I did. The day you found them together. The truth is I was… I was relieved.”_

_“And it never occurred to you to come and talk to me about any of this?” Lily asked him._

_“Lily, I tried but you were upset. I didn’t want to worry you with the baby and…”_

_“Please don't use my health as an excuse!”_

_“It’s not an excuse!”_

_Luke felt his world falling apart. “Please don’t argue.”_

_“Luke, it’s time that we just deal with life as it is and not how we want it to be,” Holden commanded, “and this is a family matter.” He said directly to Jade,. “You’re not a member of this family, so you need to leave.”_

_He took Jade by her shoulder and escorted her from the room, leaving Luke and Lily in an awkward silence._

_“I know you might not believe me,” Luke told her eventually, “but I never meant to hurt you or Dad.”_

_Lily took a deep breath. “Jade lied to us… about Rose. You knew she was a thief and you turned to her. You didn’t turn to your parents.”_

_“I didn’t know what else to do.”_

_“I look at you and all the moments I envisioned for you… all the moments I could see in your future… this is definitely not one that has crossed my mind. I have to tell you that...”_

_“Maybe it has and you just pushed it away like Dad did?” he asked hopefully._

_“I guess that’s possible. I don’t know… There are so many things that I’m just not sure about…”_

_“Like what?”_ _But Luke wasn’t sure he wanted to know the answer to that._

_“Like who you are…”_

_His heart stung. “I’m still me, Mom. That hasn’t changed. I know… I know it might feel like it but it…”_

_“Okay, we are going to be honest today, right? That’s what… This is what today’s supposed to be about… So I have to be really honest with you… For the first time in your life, I don’t know how to be your mother..."_

_Because he knew she wouldn’t stop him, and with a deep pain that he’d never known before, Luke walked away from his mother and left her alone in the room._

***

“Just like you, I thought for sure she would never accept it,” Luke said, “but she did.”

Josh smiled at him. “I’m glad for you Luke. But your telling of that story is completely different from mine. Your father was okay with it! And your mother still said she loved you. She didn’t stand by and watch you get beat up and kicked out of the house! She didn’t ignore you for weeks! I mean… it was a shock for her! Of course it was! But...”

“Look, Josh, I know our situations are different,” Luke agreed, “I get that. But Marion is a good person. I can’t believe she’d just forget her oldest child… her son!”

“You didn’t see her face,” Josh looked down at his hands, “she’s different with me… It’s not like before. She looks right through me now.”

Luke and Noah shared a sad glance. 

“Thank you guys… for everything.” Josh continued. “I know you’re telling me this because you want to give me some hope but… It hurts too much to hope and then have her throw it back in my face… and…after today... I know. At least I now know for sure! She will never take me back as I am. It’s time I accept that.” 

Noah made as if to say something, because he felt he should, but then realized he had nothing to say; nothing that would help this kid come to terms with his circumstance. 

And so it was Luke who came up with the words of comfort. Of course, Noah thought, it would be.

“Well, whatever happens, we love you… and we’re happy to have you around. You know that right?”

Josh nodded. “I think you should take me back to rehab in the morning… I can’t promise I won’t…”

“It’s okay,” Luke smiled, “I understand.” 

“Thanks.” 

Josh stood and left for his room, but turned halfway to say, “Um, just so you know… I love you guys too.” 

***

Sunday morning Noah quickly demolished a slice of toast so that he could finish before Nicholas tried to lift the glass of orange juice by himself. 

“Wait, wait,” he said, grabbing the glass just in time, “that’s Luke’s orange juice, Nicky.”

“I’m thirsty!”

“If you get thirsty then you ask me for a drink, 'kay?” Noah opened the fridge, grabbed a juice box, and punched the hole with the straw before handing it over to Nicholas.

“Thank you.” Nicholas beamed. 

“What do you want, Mia? Apple?”

Mia nodded as she ate her porridge. “Yes, please.”

“Noah!” he heard Luke bellow from down the bedroom.

“Okay, eat nicely you two! I’ll be back in a minute.”

“Okay,” they both sang. 

Noah padded barefoot down the hallway and found a very wet and naked Luke hiding behind their bedroom door. Noah’s eyebrow lifted questioningly. “A bit early for a striptease isn’t it?”

“Ha! Ha!” Luke replied. “I forgot to get a fresh towel from the hall closet before I got in the shower.” 

“Hmm,” Noah said, trying to peer around the door.

“Noah, stop it!” Luke laughed.

“Maybe I should make a habit of hiding the towels! I certainly enjoy the resulting view!” 

“Noah! Please! One of the kids could show up at any moment!”

Noah relented at that, sighing. “I know… such a shame!” 

He grabbed a towel and chucked it back over his shoulder for Luke to catch, then used his foot to close the closet door. 

“Now get a move on! Your breakfast is getting cold!” 

“Is Josh up yet?”

“No, but he dresses pretty quick. Give him a few more minutes to sleep and then bang on the door. That usually does it.” 

He returned to the kitchen to find that Mia had emptied half of the syrup bottle into her porridge. She didn’t seem the least bit concerned with this problem. If anything she seemed to highly enjoy the extra sweet porridge before her. 

“Oh, no you don’t!” Noah laughed. “Mia, what have I told you about touching the syrup?”

“You said, don’t touch the syrup.”

He shook his head at her. “Well, I’m sorry, baby, but you can’t eat porridge like this.”

“But I like it!” she sweetly smiled, sticky liquid running down her chin. 

“I’m sure you do, but I don’t want you bouncing off the walls all day!”

“What,” asked Nicholas, curiously, “how does she bounce?” 

“It’s an expression,” Noah explained, using a wipe to clean Mia’s face and hands.

“What’s an ex… expleshon?” 

Noah sighed and ruffled Nicholas’s head, “It’s when I say one thing to mean another.”

Nicholas frowned in confusion. “I don’t get it.” 

“Don’t worry, buddy, one day you will understand… okay?”

“When?”

“When you are big and have your own children.”

He cleaned up the mess Mia made and poured her another ladle of porridge from the pot on the stove. “How about I add the syrup this time, Sweet?”

She nodded and watched as he dripped the syrup and placed the bowl in front of her.

“Now eat up! We’re going to drop Josh off at school and then we’re going to the park!”

“Yay,” Nicholas cheered, “Is Josh coming?”

“No, Nicky, I just said Josh is going to school.”

“Man!” he complained but he didn’t say any more about it. 

Luke arrived, dressed, and grabbed himself some toast, quickly adding a blob of peanut butter before taking a bite. 

“Coffee?” Noah asked, even though he knew what the answer would be.

As his mouth was stuffed, Luke nodded and Noah turned to pour him a cup. 

After his first sip, Luke said, “I knocked on Josh’s door so he should be getting a move on.”

Okay, can you finish up with the kids while I change?”

“Sure,” Luke smiled and kissed Noah on the cheek before taking a seat with the children. 

Noah took only fifteen minutes to shower and dress.

He made his way back down the hall and could see Luke by the front door, already putting shoes on the kids. 

He stopped by Josh’s bedroom and knocked. “Josh?” There was no answer so he tried again, louder this time. “Josh? It’s almost time to go.”

Again there was no reply so he opened the door and entered. The curtains were drawn and the room was pretty dark. Josh lay asleep on his back, right on the edge of the double bed; one arm flung off the side. A sheet covered his lower half and, because it had been a muggy night, he’d removed his shirt to stay cool. It lay in a crumpled ball by the bed.

“Josh?” Noah gently called, reaching over to shake him by his shoulder. 

The jolt of that touch sent his arm flying back like the sting from a wasp. The air left his lungs; every part of his skin suddenly inflicted with pins and needles. His widening eyes moved from the bed to the side table, where a candle, needle, spoon and other evidence lay abandoned. Quickly, he felt for a pulse, praying for one. He held the cold wrist between his fingers but it was no use. He already knew that. He didn’t need to check to know. 

He stood frozen. Blood pounded in his ears and panic threatened to overwhelm him. He stood staring at the sight before him and reacted only when he heard Luke call his name.

“Noah?”

_Luke, oh no…_

Pulling himself upright, stiffening, he left the room, closing the door and briefly leaning back into it, gasping for air. 

The short walk to the living room was achieved on increasingly wobbly knees. He felt as though he would sink down with ever step, and yet somehow stayed upright. The world struck him as suddenly so disjointed. He wasn’t sure how he reached the entrance to the living room. As he did, he couldn’t hold himself up and so leaned into the frame. He watched his family happily preparing to leave for the day, realizing that this moment would change things forever. 

Luke looked up at him then. 

Noah thought he was holding himself together quite well, considering the circumstances, but the look on Luke’s face spoke otherwise. The man immediately approached him. “Baby, what’s the matter?” 

The moment Luke was in range, Noah’s need for him took control and he grabbed at him, clutching Luke to his chest and squeezing tightly. 

“Noah,” Luke’s voice was heavy with worry, “what’s the matter?”

Noah’s chin rested on Luke’s shoulder as he watched the kids playing by the front door. He fought to find his voice and finally managed to croak in Luke’s ear. “Josh is…”

“Noah?” Luke was trying to pull out of the hold but Noah wouldn’t let him. He couldn't allow Luke to read his face. 

“Josh isn’t ready so… you go...” it hurt when he swallowed, "order a cab… Take the kids and go.”

Luke did pull back then and Noah tried to look away. But it was no use, their eyes locked for a minute and it was all Luke needed. His face dissolved into fright and denial and he immediately tried to squeeze out of Noah’s iron grasp to move down the hall. 

“No,” Noah begged, clinging to him, speaking softly into his ear, “please… Please, Luke, please... please…” Luke stopped fighting him for just a moment, dropping into the embrace and holding Noah back just as tightly. “You don’t have to,” Noah whispered, pressing his cheek up against Luke’s. “I’ll handle it. You can leave… I’ll handle everything…Please…”

But Luke pushed really hard at that and Noah lost his grip on the man. As Luke broke free and moved down the hall Noah knew what would happen and his instinct immediately kicked in.

“Hey guys,” he called, trying desperately to keep a steady voice, “we’re not ready yet so why don’t you play in the yard for a minute.

“Okay,” they both joyfully replied and ran through the glass door as Noah opened it. As soon as Mia’s tiny foot crossed the threshold, Noah slammed the glass sliding door closed behind them. He was just in time. Luke’s earth shattering howl of anguish carried up the house and stabbed at Noah’s heart. 

“NO! OH MY GOD, NO! JESUS!”

Noah cried then. He leaned back against the glass door, one hand still holding fast to the handle the other covering his mouth to block a scream of his own. Tears ran down his cheeks and he slid ever so slightly toward the floor; only just keeping himself up.

Then he felt sick. He scrambled for the kitchen and threw up in the sink, coughing and spattering through tears and snot and bile. 

As Luke’s screams subsided so did Noah’s sobs. He quickly washed out his face and mouth before stumbling back to the bedroom. 

It was during this walk that he began the careful construction of an iron box, deep within his soul. And he pushed his own feelings down into it, forcing them inside until he could close the lid and lock it shut. The box shook and shuddered, threatening to break open; his heart clenching at the sight of Luke, kneeling by the bed. But by now his eyes were dry and his mind was focused on one thing – take care of Luke. 

Luke had Josh pulled over him. The boy’s head rested on Luke's shoulder and his brown curls cascaded down Luke’s back. Josh’s bare arms hung limp on either side of Luke, as Luke held him there, rocking back and forth, repeating one word over and over in a muttered breath, “Why? Why? Why? Why?”

Noah crumbled forward, fell to his knees, and wrapped both Luke and Josh in shaky arms.


	14. Chapter 14

It was impossible to believe. 

Noah sat mummified at the dinner table. He must have said ‘um’ and ‘I don’t know’ to at least a dozen questions the police officer was asking him. Everything seemed so clamorous. He could hear every footstep, every breath and the heartbeat of every single one of the policemen and paramedics that swarmed through their home like invading bees. It was as though somebody had pressed the slow-mo button in his brain and now everybody else seemed to be moving at double-speed, whizzing and whooshing past him in flurries of white coats and silver badges. 

And he would forever remember Luke’s face as it was. He’d seen that look only twice before since the day they met. Once when they believed Holden had died in a car accident and again when Reid was taken. Luke had this way of looking at him with a frightening starkness; an unblinking pair of eyes moving over his face, asking for relief Noah couldn’t provide. However much he wanted too. 

And that was how Luke was looking at him now from across the room, as he sat in an armchair while a paramedic treated him for shock. 

“Take this away, Noah,” Luke’s eyes begged. “Save me...”

Their eyes continued to lock as the body-bag wheeled between them and out through the front door. He saw Luke falter then, a slight trembling of the lower lip that signaled the start of panic.

“Mr Snyder?” the officer was saying, having asked a question of Noah to which he had yet to respond.

Noah whispered a hurried ‘excuse me’ as he flew across the room to scoop the devastated Luke in his trembling arms. “It’s okay… Shh… I’m here…” 

Then, finally, only a few hours later, he shut the front door to the world and it was just the two of them. And it was _so_ silent, as if the walls too were grieving. He sat where Luke sat, on the other side of the couch. They both simply stared ahead. There was this terrible feeling, an urgency, like he should be doing something… anything… but there was nothing to be done. 

Josh was gone. 

“Jasmine says she’ll keep the kids for as long as we need.” 

Luke nodded almost imperceptibility. 

“And your folks should be in the air by now, so…”

“I can’t believe this is happening.”

“I know.”

Glassy-eyed Luke looked right at him. “Is it our fault?”

Noah shook his head with insistence. “No. We did everything we could, Luke.”

“We _sent_ him away!” he replied, almost with horror.

Noah sighed. “Luke, Josh understood why we did that. I know he did.”

Luke looked away again, but nodded. “Do you think he…” his voice broke. "Do you think he did it on purpose?”

Again Noah shook his head, “I don’t know, baby.” 

Noah watched the sobs forming in Luke's shoulders; lifted the man to rest across the couch; placed Luke's head in his lap. Mechanically, Noah began to stroke Luke's hair, soothing him. Within himself Noah felt like an android. Human-less. Devoid of feeling. Wooden. 

He was acutely aware of the fact that the thin layer of numbness covering the iron box inside, was the only thing keeping him from screaming out loud. He stared straight ahead at the wall, trying to accept this reality.

He kept replying the last sight he’d had of Josh; the boy smiling at them. He had seemed okay. They could never have imagined he was about to pull the door closed on his entire life. 

For Noah, at that moment, there didn’t seem to be any tears to shed. Noah thought of never again seeing Josh, hearing his voice, his laughter, and he felt an empty aching inside - just a hollow pain but still no tears. As he slipped further into a kind of silent solidness, Luke’s crying gained in volume, his entire frame shuddering and his tears wetting through Noah’s jeans to the skin of his thighs. 

Luke’s grief, unlike his own, was so visible. So much so that he seemed, within only a few hours, to have aged. His eyes were circled with sorrow and his being soaked in it. 

Dry-eyed and terrified, Noah grew angry, unreasonably angry. All that time of working so hard to help Josh, all come to nothing. It was ended. Snuffed out like the last candle on a cold night.

A stupid waste of a beautiful life… 

Just so senseless! 

Eventually, exhausted, Luke fell asleep and Noah carefully stood, arranging a few cushions under his blonde head. He entered the room that had become Josh’s for his short stay with them and sat on the bed. The bed Josh would never sleep in again. The bed he died in. And that was the thought that finally broke through to Noah. He threw himself down, burying his face in the pillows to silence the dry sobs, the unshed tears making wet patches, the pillow turning hot under his face. Eventually he couldn’t breathe, so he turned his head to the side, arms wrapped tightly around a cushion. 

He felt odd. Like he had somehow regressed to an older version of himself - the Noah that couldn’t let Luke see him this way. He needed to deal with his feelings and his tears in private. Luke would want to console him; make the pain less, make it all better somehow. And, Noah knew, Luke would do that at the expense of himself; which in Noah’s world was out of the question. An intense pain came to sit suddenly squarely on his chest, like a rock.

“Noah?” He heard Luke’s plaintive call from the bedroom doorway and he chastised himself for leaving like he did. Of course Luke wouldn’t have slept for long. Neither of them would sleep well for a long, long time. “It’s okay,” Luke continued, “I won’t break. It’s okay if you need to cry.”

Ignoring those words, still looking away from him, Noah sat up and wiped his eyes raw, before approaching Luke; hugging him in tight for a moment. Luke's arms wrapped around his neck, head coming to rest against his shoulder.

“Come and sleep with me,” Noah whispered but Luke shook his head against Noah’s body.

“I can’t,” he croaked. 

“Just for a little while...” Noah drew back to hold Luke’s face in his hands. “Please, Luke. You really need it. You should see yourself!” Noah stepped back from him and put his hand out to lift a damp strand of hair from Luke’s face. “Come…”

He reached out and Luke took his hand, allowing himself to be drawn to their bed. As they dropped into soft covers together, Noah’s arm stretched protectively over Luke. 

“Let’s close our eyes and sleep now.” He kissed against Luke’s neck.

*** 

Luke thought something was ringing but then realized it was his phone buzzing that had woken him. He moaned and turned out of Noah’s arms, squinting and clumsily slapping his hand over the side table until he located the offending object. 

“Hello?” 

“Luke?” 

As he heard his father’s voice a terrible understanding slapped him across the face and for a moment he couldn’t breathe. 

“Luke? Are you there?”

 _Josh…_

Did he dream it?

“Luke?”

“Yeah,” he managed to say. He felt disorientated. 

“We rang the bell a few times, but there was no reply. We’re standing outside.”

They were outside. And that meant… He released a deep and shuddered breath, trying to get a hold of himself. For a moment, just a moment, he’d thought… maybe… a dream…

“Luke? Are you guys even home?” His father’s worried voice asked in his ear.

Noah stirred and Luke looked over at him. He was sleeping peacefully… for now… 

Feeling temporarily disabled and unable to act, Luke opened his mouth and reached an arm to wake Noah. But then stopped and looked away, unable to trust himself... 

If he spoke then the feelings inside might come out shrieking, filling the room with shameful, childish and selfish pleas to have Noah turn everything right again. And he couldn’t keep doing that to him. Not when he knew Noah hurt just as much, stoically dealing with the loss internally as was his way. 

But Noah couldn’t hide the pain from Luke entirely. They knew each other too well.

Just as he was beginning to realie he had emotional support waiting outside the front door, he also realized he’d hung up the phone. He dug deep to find the strength that would drag him away from Noah and up the hallway.

Past Josh’s room. 

_Josh._

Another ring of the doorbell snapped him out of it. He didn’t want Noah to wake up. He left for the living room, stumbling slightly down the hall, and opened the door to Holden and Lily.

“Dad…” he trembled and broke instantly, falling into his father’s arms, feeling like a small child all of a sudden. He didn’t care. 

“I’m so sorry, baby.” His mother’s comforting hand gently stroked his shoulder. “Noah explained on the phone. The poor man… He sounded so…” 

Luke managed to pull back from the strong arms of his father to step aside so that they could enter the house. 

Lily kissed his cheek as she passed. “How is Noah?”

Luke shook his head, closing the door. “You know Noah… exercising an iron control over himself, so that I don’t have to look after him.”

Lily gently sighed her disapproval. “Well, we both know he can’t keep that up. He’ll need you when it gets too much.”

“I know…” then fighting tears again, “I just hope I can be strong enough… Mom… this… this _really_ hurts!” he sniffed and ran his hands through his hair. 

Lily put the grocery bag she held in one hand down on the floor so that she could wrap her son in her arms. “I know, baby. I can’t even imagine…”

“It’s a terrible thing…” Holden softly added. “Natalie went away with her friend Ashley this weekend, so we haven’t been able to tell her yet.”

“Oh…” Luke whispered. Heavy with pain he’d completely forgotten about his little sister. “Poor Nat…” 

“Well, don’t you worry about that now!” Lily said, distracting him. “Mom and Dad are here and we’ll take care of you two boys as well as your sister when the time comes… for as long as you need us.”

“Thanks, Mom. What time is it anyway?”

“Just after lunch,” Holden replied. 

“Have you guys eaten anything?” Lily asked.

Luke shook his head. “I can’t. Not now. I’m just really tired”

Holden stared at his son in sympathy. “Why don’t you get back to bed. You’re both going to need your rest.”

Luke rubbed his face in his hands. “I don’t even know if anybody’s told his mother…”

“I called her.” Lily softly said. “I figured you two might have had too much going on.”

“…today has just been…”

“It’s understandable.” Holden said.

“How did she seem?”

“What do you mean?” Lily asked.

“Did she seem upset at all?”

“Luke… Josh was her son. Of course she was upset!” 

Luke nodded. “’kay, um, I’m going back to Noah. Thanks for coming. It means… We really…”

Lily smiled at him and stopped his faltering words with a quick kiss on his lips. 

He was half asleep before he even made it to the bed. He curled up behind the sleeping Noah; snuggled as close to him as he could get. 

***

It was a nightmare that woke him. His eyes burst open and he had to suppress a coughing fit once he realized he was holding his breath. He lay still, shivering, and eventually turned his head to find Luke asleep next to him.

They were above the covers; Luke’s arm crossing Noah’s upper torso. 

Noah used the vision of Luke’s face to calm himself. He lay for sometime in a silent denial, until Luke’s lids lifted revealing bloodshot brown orbs. Flashes of pain and loss seared between them. Noah could feel his insides contracting, shaking and threatening. 

Quickly, he kissed Luke on the cheek and withdrew from his arms to head for their bathroom. He closed and locked the door, leaning back into it and gritting his teeth. 

He felt bad leaving Luke like that but if he stayed then…

He would not succumb! He would not!

He fell forward, gripping the sink and staring steadfastly at his reflection in the mirror. He could see the tears forming, pooling traitorously at the corners of this eyes until finally falling, full and heavy down his cheeks. 

His body began to quake with the will to break down, deep seated shudders that began in his belly and ran in waves up his spine. Dripping with defiance, he opened the cold tap and ran his entire head under the icy flow, gasping for breath amidst the streams running past his nose and mouth. 

“Noah? Are you okay?” Luke tried the door to find it locked. They never locked it. Luke would know just by that. 

Noah jerked up, shaking the droplets from his hair, and turned off the tap. 

“I’m fine,” he said, watching in the mirror as his Adam’s apple bobbed at the lie, “I’ll be out in a minute.” 

It was more than a minute. He removed all his clothing and stepped into the shower, running the water cold and standing there resolutely. He dried with military precision, wrapping the towel around his waist and stooping to pick up his discarded clothes; pausing by the door to dump them neatly into the laundry basket. 

When he opened the bathroom door, Luke was no longer in the bedroom and he sighed with relief. He wasn't ready. He had a few more moments to get himself in check. He spent some time deciding what to wear, following a well rehearsed routine, and doing anything to occupy his mind. In the end he dressed comfortably in cargo shorts and a t-shirt. 

He used the dryer on his hair, styling it neatly. Finally he was dressed and found himself with nothing left as distraction. He followed the low voices he could hear coming from the sitting room, feeling a sharp ache as he passed Josh’s door. 

He could smell food cooking and realized then that he was actually quite hungry. They hadn’t eaten since breakfast and even then he’d only managed to grab a slice of toast. 

It must have been Lily in the kitchen because Luke and Holden were in the living room. He was surprised he’d slept through their arrival. Father and son sat together on the couch, talking in low voices. 

“Son,” Holden was saying, his hand on Luke’s shoulder, “you of all people know what it means to live with addiction. You know how tempting it is to return to the drink when things get hard. And Josh was only a kid!”

“I know, Dad,” Luke replied. “It’s just… When Noah brought him home it was like he was resigned. I mean, it was like he’d accepted the situation with Marion and he was going to try and get past it. I don’t even know where he got the stuff from! Noah and I have been searching his room almost religiously since the last time he relapsed. And, he wasn't high when he came home. He definitely wasn't…”

“We may never know the answers, Luke. We can’t know what he was thinking.”

“Yeah, but I need…” 

Noah stood silently back, observing their exchange as they continued to talk together, reluctant to interfere with the coded sort of communication Luke had with his father. 

Eventually it was Lily who revealed his presence there.

“Noah!” She exclaimed, instantly approaching him to give him a warm hug. She drew back and rubbed his arms. He soaked in her touch.

“Hello, Lily,” Noah tried to smile, but all he could manage was the slight lifting of one corner of his mouth, “thank you for coming. Both of you.”

“Oh as if we wouldn’t!” Lily told him. “Now come along, I want both of you seated at the table so I can get some food down you.”

Neither complained as all three men made a move for the table. However they were brought to a halt when the doorbell rang. 

It was Holden who opened the door and at first they couldn’t see who was there.

“Yes,” Holden asked, “can I help you?”

“Bonjour sir, I am looking for Josh?”

Holden hesitated and looked back at Luke and Noah, stepping aside to reveal their visitor.

“Es-tu Benoit?” Noah asked him. Noah was always so nonchalant about it; Luke often forgot he spoke various languages from his life of army base hopping. 

The kid nodded. A flash of confusion crossed his features as he took in the drawn appearance of both Luke and Noah. 

“I need to see Josh?” he asked hesitantly, “‘e ‘as someting that is mine.”

Luke’s head whipped up at that. 

“What?” Luke asked, approaching his father’s side.

“Pardon?”

Luke’s left hand came to rest on the door. “What property of yours does he have?”

A hint of nervousness crossed the boy’s features at the accusation in Luke’s tone and he took a step backward, “Eet is okay. I will ask Josh.”

“You can’t,” Luke said sharply.

“I go tonight… I ask to speak to Josh now, yes?”

“No,” Luke replied. “you can’t ask now or ever again.”

Benoit frowned in confusion.

“Josh is dead.”

“Ce?” the boy shook his head, his eyes widening.

“He got it from you, didn’t he?” Luke asked, anger quickly escalating and red patches appearing on his neck.

“I do not know… What you mean…? Josh is…”

“That’s right you little bastard! Josh is dead! And it’s your fault! Isn’t it?”

“Luke!” Noah spoke up from behind him, seeing the obvious distress Benoit was in.

“I sorry,” Benoit replied, mouth and eyes gaping open in shock. “I… I go now…”

He turned and started for the road but Luke, wanting answers, tore after him. 


	15. Chapter 15

“Oh no you don’t!” Luke yelled, grabbing Benoit roughly by his wrist; spinning the frightened boy around. “He’s dead, Benoit! Dead! From some crap that _you_ gave him!”

“N…n..no!” the boy stammered.

By now Holden and Noah had caught up with Luke and were trying to break his grip on the boy.

“Luke, stop,” Noah cried, “stop! Can’t you see how scared he is?”

“I don’t fucking care! He knows something, Noah!” 

Luke was still gripping tightly to Benoit’s wrist.

“You aren’t leaving until you tell us the truth!” Luke said turning back to the boy. “Do you understand?”

Benoit shook visibly and began to cry. “It is joke… yes?” he begged.

“No joke, Benoit,” Luke said, “Josh really is gone... Please... We need to understand what happened, okay?”

Sniffing, Benoit nodded and Luke cautiously let go of the boy’s arm, ready to grab him again should he tried to flee. 

“I show you…” Benoit whispered; gestured down the sidewalk for them to follow him.

Luke looked in the direction he indicated, wondering where Benoit needed to take them. But he nodded and they followed Benoit down the sidewalk, leaving Lily watching them from the front door. 

A few yards down the road they came across a maroon BMW and Benoit took them around to the passenger door. 

The car window had been smashed. 

Luke heard Noah gasp. 

“Yesterday I find Josh, um, very misérable… ‘ow do you say?”

“Unhappy.” Noah nodded. 

“Oui. We drive up… et… I give Josh my lunettes de soleil…”

“Sorry what?” Luke asked.

“His sunglasses,” Noah translated. “Then what?”

“I tell ‘im to put in ze compartiment…” he fisted his hand palm up and then gestured with a downwards opening motion. 

“You mean the glove compartment?” Holden interpreted. 

The boy nodded. “I ‘as ze H there…”

“Heroin?” Noah swallowed.

The guilt-ridden boy nodded again.

“Josh didn’t ‘ave anything… no smoke… but il était en colére and ‘e go."

"He was angry with you?" Noah asked.

"Oui," Benoit nodded. "But today I find my car…” Benoit gestured toward the broken window.

Luke nodded, looking back over his shoulder at Noah in comprehension.

“He was tempted…” Noah said.

“… and he saw the stuff there when he put Benoit’s sunglasses away,” Luke finished. “He must have snuck out during the night to steal it.” 

Noah bit his lip, letting out a small shuddered breath as his eyes watered. He nodded in agreement. 

“’e didn’t know…” Benoit said in shock.

“He didn’t know what?” Holden asked, Luke and Noah now both too choked up to speak.

“I sorry…” Benoit sobbed. “Eet is stronger… eet is not like before.”

“What are you saying?” Luke asked, although he already understood.

“You use much less…” the boy replied. 

It was obvious from his face that Benoit was devastated, but Luke couldn’t find the energy to feel sorry for him. “Oh, god, he used too much…” Both hands flew up to cup Luke’s nose and mouth as he breathed deeply into them. Josh never meant to take his own life… 

Holden rubbed a flat hand against Noah’s back, as his son’s husband stumbled slightly.

Luke ran his hands through his blonde hair and looked back up at the boy. “I think you should go now. Please, just go...” he said, turning and taking Noah’s hand. They walked together back to the house. 

As they left Luke was just able to hear Holden comforting the distraught boy, as Benoit broke down.

***

It wasn’t raining. If it had been raining, Noah would have considered it too much of a movie cliché and spat at the world, burying himself under the covers and refusing to leave the house.

But it hadn’t rained. 

He also knew this thought was a lie. Noah knew he would never abandon Luke to attend the funeral without him. Even with his head screaming and his heart aching, he would draw on those reserves of strength; deep wells he’d dug over a lifetime for just this purpose. His father would be proud. 

He didn’t say anything to Luke or to anybody, as he arrived from the bedroom dressed in his suit. He hadn’t said much at all since it happened. Opening his mouth was too risky. He feared what might escape if he did. 

Luke, to his credit, tried to open those doors of communication, but Noah simply couldn’t. Not yet. Not while things were still so raw.

He would be what Luke needed him to be. That was what mattered. 

“Are we ready?” Lily asked, taking charge and heading toward the door in her black dress and heels. She looked beautiful, Noah thought. 

Holden stood to follow her, holding out his hand for Natalie, who had traveled down from Oakdale for the funeral. Natalie observed Noah sadly from her position in the armchair, before sighing and following her parents. 

Noah was glued to the hallway entrance. He couldn’t feel his legs much less will them to move, but he did feel Luke’s hand take his. He looked down at their fingers intertwined, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up at Luke. 

He couldn’t see the pain there. It would be his undoing. 

Lately, he’d been having strange dreams in which he told Luke how much pain he was in. How the loss cut through him with each passing day. And Luke’s angelic face would begin to crack and to crumble like a building destroyed during an earthquake. In the dreams, Noah would frantically try to stop Luke’s face from falling apart; he’d put his hands out crying, “It doesn’t matter! I didn’t mean it! I’ll be fine, I promise!”

But it was always too late by then and he’d be left standing with handfuls of a powdery stuff that had been his husband’s face. 

Luke knew, of course. Luke sensed Noah's thoughts, and that was why he said nothing. He simply began walking toward the front door, tugging Noah along beside him. 

***

Luke angrily burst through the front door of Marion’s house, shouting her name to the surprise and shock of the funeral guests gathered there. Josh’s mother looked small and pale, her eyes hollow and her lips trembling with grief. She sat in a corner surrounded by her family and friends. 

Before two large male relatives could step forward to hold Luke off; Noah and Holden arrived from outside, each taking an arm and pulling Luke back. 

“Come,” Noah gritted, trying to lock eyes with his incensed husband, “Luke!”

Marion was shaking like a leaf; tears cascaded down her cheeks.

“Just what the hell is the meaning of this?” A bearded man with a Texan drawl asked, moving to stand between Luke and Marion.

Luke ignored both the man and the hands of Noah and his father, as they fought to pull him back. “You gave us the wrong time for the funeral?”

Marion sobbed, looking to the floor; another woman placed an arm around her.

“We missed his funeral, for god’s sake, Marion!” Luke yelled at her, pain breaking through to crack his voice. 

“Okay, now,” another man said, “I don’t know who you people are, but this really isn’t the time or place. I think it would be best if you left.”

“Oh, really,” Luke asked him, “why? So that she can continue to lie to you? To all of you!” 

The people in the room began to softly mutter together at Luke’s words.

“What are you implying?” The bearded man asked, taking another step closer to Luke. 

“Wait,” it was Marion. She shot up from the chair and all eyes turned to her as she spoke directly to Luke and Noah. “I would like to speak to you two alone, please.”

“Marion?” the man asked her.

“It’s okay, Ed,” she assured him, “I’ll be fine.” 

She began to walk away; stopped to gesture that they should follow. They left Holden waiting in the living room as she led them to a home office. She closed the door behind them. 

“You can’t even deny it, can you Marion?” Luke immediately asked her. “You didn’t want us there because you didn’t want to have to explain why two gay men would be attending your son’s funeral. You wanted to continue the lie, just as you lied to your family that day with Josh.”

“I’m sorry,” her voice was weak as she shook her head. 

The look in her eyes was so like an expression he’d seen from Josh that Luke’s stomach burned at the sight of it. “What you did to Josh was hateful,” he said, “but what you just did to us was pure evil, Marion!”

“Luke,” Noah chastised, “take it easy, okay?”

“They don’t even know, do they?” Luke asked after taking a moment to calm himself. “They don’t even know the truth about how he died. You couldn’t even give your son that...”

“Give my son what?” Marion asked. “If I tell those people out there that Josh believed himself to be gay, they will leave and pretend that my baby never existed! This way, at least he dies as he was… remembered… my little boy, smart and fun-loving and…”

“Perfect?” Noah interrupted.

Her eyes darted up to meet Noah’s. “You can’t possibly understand. In my family this is…”

Luke looked to the floor for a minute before returning her gaze, glaring at her. “It’s your fault he’s dead.” 

“Luke!” Noah exclaimed in disbelief at this husband’s harsh words.

Marion staggered as though she’d been stabbed.

“He deserved so much better for a mother than you!” Luke shook his head at her in disgust. “He had a right to be respected, Marion! He had a right to speak out about who he was! And today, of all days, you still couldn’t put it aside and give Josh what he needed from you. You couldn’t even acknowledge him in death…”

The woman seemed to be shrinking before them under the pressure of her loss and the lies she’d spun to keep her family secret. 

Luke felt Noah’s gentle hand on his arm, solid and strong. The touch caused him to deflate. He felt suddenly so tired and devoid of energy, realizing that nothing he could say to this woman would make the slightest difference. 

“Came away, babe,” Noah whispered, “this isn’t helping.”

Luke looked at him and nodded. “Let’s go say goodbye to Josh.” 

They left Marion just after she fell sobbing to the floor. The guests parted to let them through, watching them leave, curious as to what their conversation with Marion had entailed. 

***

They could see Lily holding Natalie to her chest as mother and daughter waited.

When they’d first arrived at the church to be told they’d missed the service, Luke had immediately taken off; Luke and Holden forced to chase after him. Lily and Natalie were left to spend the time by Josh’s grave.

Noah remained seemingly stoic throughout the drive back and the walk up to the grave site. He held Luke around the shoulder as Luke openly cried. Outwardly, Noah showed little emotion himself. But as they grew closer to the reality of a headstone, and they saw how the arrangement of flowers in that stone had already wilted in the sun, Noah suddenly began to have difficulty breathing. His chest heaved like bellows. Holden could see the internal fight going on, as Noah tried desperately to reign himself in. 

Luke noted this instantly and immediately clasped both of Noah’s hands.

“Come,” Luke said, finding a way to distract him, “let’s clear these old flowers away and we can make room for the fresh ones. It will look good as new in no time.”

“He’s truly something our son, isn’t he?” Lily observed from Holden’s side, watching as the two men and Natalie worked silently at fixing up the flowers. 

Holden nodded, “They really do bring out the best in each other.”

To Holden, Luke’s nature wasn’t difficult to define. Luke had an immediacy and a strength. He allowed Noah to fuss over him, as though he knew Noah needed to do it, and he was willing to give Noah that as his outlet for the grief. Luke was so vocal in his pain. He wasn’t afraid to let those around him know how he felt. 

Noah, on the other hand, knew exactly what Luke needed him to say or do in ways Holden and Lily had never been able to. And Noah would never hesitate to be the rock that Luke needed. His only mistake was to always underestimate just how strong Luke was. 

Luke, Holden knew, found Noah’s composure more unsettling than a hysterical grief-stricken display would be. Luke wished that Noah would cry and release the tension that was making him so rigid. 

Holden had to admit that he too found Noah’s lack of tears faintly ominous. Just how long could a person bottle that level of feeling inside before they exploded? 

Eventually they all stood silently at the grave, each holding on to the other.

“Josh,” Luke began first, “we are standing here and I can’t believe that you’re gone. We can still feel you in the house. We can feel you in every room. And it helps.” Luke nodded and cleared his throat. “But now we know it’s time…”

Luke waited as Natalie sobbed slightly. 

“…it’s time to let you go.” Luke took a shuddered breath. “We didn’t know you for that long, but, I have to tell you, kid, it… it really felt like you were a part of our family. The way you could make us all laugh and smile and the love you had for Nicholas and Mia…”

Holden noted how Noah’s arm tightened around Luke. 

“And that’s because you have a generous heart. I just wish… I really wish you had come to us that night… Woken us up so that we could have helped… I know you didn’t feel loved by your parents, but I want you to know that we loved you. We’re going to miss you so much.”

Noah sniffed before he began to also say a few words. “I keep thinking I’m going to wake up from all this. And I keep thinking how I can’t say goodbye to you. I don’t know how to say goodbye. Sixteen. Just sixteen; with so much to offer!" Noah's body shook slightly and it was suddenly as though Luke were holding him up. "I admired so much about you; your incredible strength and compassion. But most of all your bravery. The way you would stand up for yourself, even with all you risked in doing so. I wish I had half your guts when I was your age. And I’m sorry… I am so sorry that we couldn’t get you to see yourself the way we did. We’ll never forget you, Josh. We’ll never forget what you came to mean to us. We love you.” 

As Noah finished, Luke stretched up to kiss Noah on his cheek. 


	16. Chapter 16

The first day Luke Snyder didn't show up for work, Jenna counted her blessings; celebrated with a large slice of chocolate cake from the bakery over the street. 

The second day Luke Snyder didn’t show up for work, Jenna wondered about it. But again, she didn’t care enough to ask any questions. It was a jam donut that day. 

It was only when the guy didn’t show up for the third day that she became faintly curious. As far as she was concerned, the young man was just playing out some childhood fantasy. But she couldn’t deny to herself that she could seen a spark of fire in his eyes when he spoke about the job. She thought for sure that he wouldn’t miss three days of work for no reason. 

Especially as the first installment of his Detention Center series had just been printed that very day.

“Hey, Arnold,” she asked the first fellow reporter to pass her desk, “what’s up with baby Grimaldi?”

The man looked over at Luke’s chair as though noticing for the first time that it was empty. He turned back to her and shrugged. “No idea.”

“Hm,” she hummed to herself, chewing in thoughtful contemplation on two jellybaby sweets. 

“The kid he had staying with him died.” 

She hadn’t even noticed that Simon, the handyman, was up on a ladder, busily changing a light bulb behind her. 

“What kid?” she asked.

“Some kid,” Simon said, as he screwed in the bulb, “I think Luke said he was sixteen? They took him in after his parents booted him out ‘cause he was gay.”

Jenna frowned, “How did he die?”

“Heard it was an overdose. They found him dead in his bed.”

“ _They_ found him?” She asked.

“Yip. Luke and his husband. Must have been awful, poor kid! Damn waste if you ask me!” 

As Simon folded up his ladder and moved away, Jenna tapped thoughtfully at the folded copy of the newspaper on her desk. Eventually she opened the pages, turned to the editorial section, and for the first time, began to read words written by Luke Snyder. 

“So,” she read, “somehow, I find myself in a place I would never have thought I’d ever see the inside of…”

***

Jasmine brought Nicholas and Mia home on the Monday morning; the day after their confrontation with Benoit. Holden and Lily sat silently to one side as Luke and Noah undertook the difficult task of explaining the situation to them. 

Mia was not stranger to dealing with loss. She understood that death was forever and that Josh was never coming home. She cried softly into the crook of Noah’s arm. Nicholas on the other hand, took longer to accept it.

A week later he was still asking, “Is he at the hopi-tal?”

“No, Baby. He’s not. He’s gone.” Luke said.

“But when’s he coming back?”

Noah sighed. “He can’t ever come back, Nicky. I’m sorry.”

“He’s dead like Mommy.” Mia said.

“Yes, sweet, that’s right.” Noah smoothed the top of her head as she sat at the breakfast bar. 

“But where did he go?” Nicholas asked as his nose wrinkled in confusion.

Eventually, as the realization sank in that Josh had left without saying goodbye, Nicholas’ reaction was anger. He stormed into Josh’s room and pulled the place apart as much as a four-year-old could. The drawers were opened and Josh’s clothing was flung on the floor and stomped all over. The bedding was pulled off the bed and twisted in knots. Josh’s schoolbooks were flung around the room, pages torn. 

Luke found Nicholas in a sodden mess on the floor; curdling cries racking his tiny frame and making him breathless. 

“Josh didn’t leave on purpose, baby? He didn’t mean it.” Luke whispered through tears, as he comforted Nicholas. 

The day after the funeral they took the children to lay flowers on Josh’s grave and said a proper goodbye. After that both Nicholas and Mia grew withdrawn and sad, waking up frequently in the night and crawling into Luke and Noah’s bed for comfort. 

Dr Mishra told them not to worry, that it was a normal response to loss for children so young. 

“They’ll bounce back sooner than you realize,” she assured them. “Children are resilient like that.”

Struggling to accept the situation themselves, let alone be strong for the two children, Luke and Noah began to rely heavily on Lily and Holden; more than grateful for their reassuring presence in the house. When things got too much Luke’s parents would take the kids for ice-cream, to the zoo or the beach; giving Luke and Noah some much needed time to reflect on things together. 

Or rather Luke did the reflecting. 

Luke used the time to express his denial, his anger, his depression and his sadness; crying openly into Noah’s arms and gradually working his way toward acceptance. Noah was there for him, talking him softly down from these moments, stroking his hair, kissing his head; being Luke’s strength. But other than this, Noah continued to keep his own thoughts and fears to himself, refusing to lumber Luke with any of them; concerned only for Luke and the kids and not for himself. 

Truthfully, Luke could feel a dark and familiar anger rising up inside. That old frustration came alive when Noah chose to endure his pain in silence; when Noah refused to see how it hurt Luke to watch Noah suffer and not be allowed access to help. When Noah pushed him away, yet again. 

***

Luke took a swig of extra strong coffee and returned the mug to the coaster by the side of his laptop. He ran one hand through his hair and began typing.

_For many people the belief that reporters should remain objective means a kind of detachment, free from opinion or bias._ _But in my view, objectivity in this context does not mean detachment… it means respect; that is, the ability not to distort or to falsify things. Respect for the story being told._ _Telling the story as it is._

Luke reread the last line and then deleted ‘ _Telling the story as it is._ ’ He stared at the flashing cursor for a second and then continued to write.

_It means telling the truth._

_Expecting a journalist to remain emotionally uninvolved in a story is, in my opinion, expecting the impossible. Human beings cannot simply detach themselves from the world they live in._ _It would be impossible to come up with stories about things that reflect no interest, thought, or opinion of the person who writes it._ _And on this particular article I most definitely cannot remain objective for the simple reason that I am directly involved – Emotionally involved._

_This article was originally supposed to be about hope. It was supposed to be the story of one teenager’s triumph over his drug addiction._

_Instead it has become a warning._

_Both for the kids who are still playing with the various mind-bending drugs out there; and for their caregivers…_

_A forewarning of things to come_

Luke had to stop. 

He closed his eyes for a minute and steadied his breath. 

Writing this article was hard. It was bringing up so many feelings of regret he still harbored about Josh; those nagging questions about whether they did enough to help him. His mind would also drift back to their friend, Reg Addington, who years before had died of an overdose. It seemed, for a moment, that they had caught Josh in time, where they had been too late to help Reg. 

He felt the article was also his way to honor Josh. Writing was allowing him to play some role in the aftermath of Josh’s death; to keep his memory alive in a way that might deter or help others in the same situation. Writing was definitely making him appreciate the time and memories they had with Josh; it was quickly becoming his emotional outlet for the grief. 

After another sip of coffee he set back to work.

_There are many stories like this out there; too many._ _But this story focuses on one particular teenager. I_ _’ve spoken to many people who knew this boy._ _Their words tell me he was an incredibly vibrant person; an outgoing soul who warmed every room with his remarkable smile and amazing laugh. He was top of his class in academics and an avid sportsman, winning many titles for his school. He was popular, with a string of friends._

_This kid had it all._

_But the version of the teenager I’ve described above was the version I never had the opportunity to meet._ _Sure, I would see flashes of him. I felt that warmth and I heard that laugh of which they speak. But by the time this teen came to live under our care, he was only a shadow of the boy he had once been._ _Because this boy did something brave. He stood up and he uttered the three words some parents dread to hear, “I am gay.”_

_And for that he lost his home, his family, most of his friends and eventually – his life._ _A fun activity he dabbled in because ‘that’s what teenagers do’, turned into a nightmare._

Luke’s mind was buried deep within his article, his fingers flying almost angrily over the keyboard; when Noah came up from behind him to squeeze the back of his neck and kiss the top of his head. The quick warmth of Noah’s hand was a shock to his slightly cooler body; he shivered at the touch; tilting his head back to give Noah an upside-down smile.

As Noah massaged his neck, Luke continued to write.

_“I shouldn’t have been so stunned when I found out about his addiction. I became an alcoholic in my teens. I battled addiction for years._

_When viewed individually, his behaviors could have been chalked up to normal teenaged angst. But when presented collectively, they told an entirely different story._

_I should have seen it!_

_The teenager of whom I write wanted to change. He came to us asking for help and we gave that to him as best we could. But we are not experts and eventually we enrolled him in a rehab clinic, hoping they could help him._

_Two weeks into the program, he came home for the weekend and now he’s dead; after taking a stronger form of heroin than his body could cope with._

Luke stopped again, staring at the screen.

“It’s really late,” Noah told him, interrupting his thoughts once more as he bent to kiss the side of Luke’s neck. 

Luke’s eyes fell to the lower right corner of his computer screen, where the white numerals showed the time to be 02:34. 

“You mean early?” Luke replied, surprised that he’d been writing for so long. “Sorry, did I wake you?”

Noah shook his head. “Your typing didn’t wake me, but your absence did.”

Noah sat down at the dining chair next to him, one hand on Luke’s knee.

“Let me just get this down,” Luke told him and returned to the screen.

Noah nodded and sat watching Luke work.

_“Josh Benjamin Carmody, sixteen years of age, died of an overdose in his bed in the early hours of a Sunday morning; after sneaking out to steal the heroin from the glove compartment of his friend’s BMW._

_My family is devastated by what has happened. We still have to remind ourselves that he’s never coming back._

_Now, as hard as it is, the reporter in me has to take over so that this tale can have an ending. I have to ask the question:_

_What exactly happened to Josh Carmody?_

_Well - It starts with marijuana; then processes to a pill and finally ends with a needle. That’s the same progression I’ve heard from all the many bereaved families who have lost loved ones to heroin abuse._

“Are you okay?” Noah asked, concerned by Luke’s expressions.

“Yeah, you know what I’m like,” Luke explained, stopping his typing to rub his tired eyes, “there are all these words and ideas in my head and I’m desperate to get them down before I forget everything.”

“I’m just worried about you,” Noah nodded. “You haven’t really slept much the past few days, Luke. It can’t be good.”

“I’ve tried sleeping. I’m too angry right now. I feel like smashing something and… the writing is the only thing that calms me.”

Noah took Luke’s hand in his and kissed the top of it. “If I told you I need you there so that I can sleep, would that make you come to bed?”

Luke smiled gently, staring deeply at him; swallowing with difficulty when he recognized that intense pain Noah was still trying to hide from him. Luke stretched out a hand and ran light fingers down Noah’s face. Noah closed his eyes; kissed Luke’s fingertips as they brushed past his lips. 

“How about you, hmm, Bubby?” Luke asked him softly. “You okay?”

When Noah’s eyes opened, Luke watched how they blinked a few times in quick succession; how his breath shuddered slightly as he held the emotion back. 

“I just want you to come to bed,” he told Luke. 

Luke looked down at the floor and sighed. It was frustrating - Noah’s lack of communication of his feelings - and Luke couldn’t help but be worried for him.

“Okay,” Luke said, letting the unspoken words pass between them once again, “just give me one more minute.”

_This dangerous and highly addictive drug is quickly making sinister inroads into the lives of our suburban teenagers. The drug pushers are invading. They want their drugs in every high school - in every city, town and village._

_About two years ago, Los Angeles law enforcement investigations began to turn up heroin reports._ _Large shipments of the drug seemed to come out of nowhere. And the main target was high schools._

_Over the past two years the percentage of teenagers from middle to upper income homes overdosing on this drug, has risen by more than…_

Luke leaned across the table to check his notes.

_…8%. And in most cases, it’s reported that the teenagers turned to heroin after abusing other substances such as ecstasy and cocaine._

_For some this message is already too late – they are so hooked that even the fear of death isn’t strong enough to overrule the need for the drug_

Luke stopped and read over the last few lines again. Something was missing; something important; the tie between Josh, the school and the dealers. 

“Done,” Luke smiled at Noah. 

He saved his work and shutdown the laptop; following Noah into their room and slipping under the covers;holding him tightly. 

“I need to interview the dealers,” he thought as he watched Noah fall asleep. 

***

The day that Luke returned to the office was more excruciating for Noah than he thought it would be. 

The studio was sending copies of his movie’s sound edits to the house, and Noah would work on them while Luke typed away at his article. 

Luke’s editor, Jarvis, had been by the house to pay his respects and to let them know that the first installment of Luke’s Detention Series was receiving rave reviews. The newspaper was inundated with people wanting to know when the next installment would be printed.

Noah hugged Luke tight as they read the comments together. “I knew you could do it!” 

Holden and Lily were both thrilled for him too. 

Luke decided he wanted to try going back to the office. 

Holden and Lily took the kids out to give Noah some quiet, but instead of helping he began to slip into a kind of panic. His ears were blocked and his body was sweating. He was sure he would explode and he needed to get out.

Noah left the house and, after driving around aimlessly for a while, found himself parked across the street from Luke’s office. He just needed to see Luke for a moment, so he went inside. He could tell that the receptionist was rather stressed and busy, but she looked at him with sympathy and personally escorted him to the main newsroom and showed him Luke’s desk. 

It was empty. 

He turned to ask the receptionist where Luke was, but she had already left. Noah found himself standing in the middle of the busy office, feeling lost.

“If you’re looking for Luke Snyder, he’s not here.” 

Noah turned to find a dark-haired woman studying him from behind her desk; she munched on a Hershey bar. 

“Do you know where he is?”

“Is there a sign on my desk that says ‘Information’?”

Noah lowered his eyes at her. “This can only be Jenna,” he thought. 

“No, it doesn't,” Noah told her, “but you spoke to me first, so I thought you might know more.”

“Everything.”

“Sorry?” Noah asked her.

“I know everything, actually.” Her expression was deadpan and Noah wondered whether she was serious. 

“Okay,” he said cautiously.

“Are you his husband?” she asked as comprehension crossed her brow.

“Yes I am.” 

“I heard about you taking in that kid. I heard what happened.” That was all she said, but Noah was sure he saw sadness pass over her eyes. Then just as quickly as Noah thought he saw some sympathy, the bitchiness was back. “If I tell you what I know, will you go away?”

“Sure.”

“Great,” she replied, “he was here this morning, typed for about a minute and then mumbled something about drug dealers…”

“Then what?” Noah asked, anxiety creeping up on him.

“Then he left.”

“On no…” he whispered with dread. He looked around and spotting Jarvis through the glass window of his office. Noah burst through Jarvis’s door without knocking. A reporter was seated in the guest chair and he jumped with fright at the sudden entrance. “Please tell me Luke hasn’t gone looking for this Dean guy!” 

“Now, Noah… he didn’t want to worry you…” the Englishman began.

“Worry me? Shit! Where? Where has he gone?”

Jarvis sighed. “He called to say he was headed down to a neighborhood called Santa Clarita…”

Noah didn’t wait for him to finish; he was out the office and in his truck within minutes; following the directions given by the satellite navigation system. 

He tried to ring Luke’s phone but, of course, there was no reply.

“Damn you, Luke!”

Once in Santa Clarita he asked a few passersby whether they knew of a street kid named Dean. Eventually he found a young man who gave Noah directions to a particular alleyway where Dean’s ‘crew’ were known to hang out. 

The alley was across a large playground, so he left his truck to walk over the park. There was nobody about, but as he rounded the corner into the alleyway he found a man’s body curled, motionless on the ground.

“LUKE!” Noah screamed rushing forward and falling on his knees to examine him.


	17. Chapter 17

The events surrounding Josh’s death put Noah’s nerves on serious edge. So much so, that when he saw Luke lying on the ground, blonde hair stained in blood, his panic immediately sent him careening toward the worst case scenario. 

But, despite how things seemed to Noah, Luke was not motionless. He was actually in the process of sitting up; whoever attacked him had only recently left the scene.

“LUKE!” Noah screamed, rushing forward and falling on his knees to examine him. 

“Noah? What are you doing here?”

“What am _I_ doing here?” an indignant Noah replied, checking the cut down Luke’s left cheek before lifting the hem of his husband’s shirt to examine the dark bruises already appearing on his abdomen. “would you fucking _look_ at yourself?”

But Luke wasn’t paying any attention to the frightened Noah, or to any of the pain from the damage to his body. His entire being was heaving with dark fury; his face red with it. Ignoring Noah’s attempts to check his health, Luke was busy urgently patting down his pockets.

“Shit!” he exclaimed. “They stole my phone! Give me yours!”

“What?”

“Your phone, Noah. I need to make a call.”

“Like hell you do!” Noah yelled at him. “What we _need_ to do is get the fuck out of here! I can’t believe you would do this when I explicitly asked you not to!”

Luke looked at him then with an expression of intense seriousness Noah had never seen before. 

“GIVE-ME-YOUR-PHONE!” There was such a deep level of ferocity in Luke’s tone that Noah temporarily froze; unable to make head or tale out of Luke’s strange behavior. “NOW, Noah!” Noah leaned back from him in shock.

Luke wavered at the look on Noah’s face and breathed heavily a few times though his nose, forcing himself to soften some. “I’m sorry,” he eventually said through his teeth. “It’s really important… Please.”

Scowling at Luke, an angry Noah pulled out his cell phone and slammed the device down into Luke’s hand. He scanned the alleyway to make sure there weren't any further assailants waiting to strike. 

Wearily watching Noah, Luke flipped it open, checked Noah’s contacts until he found the name he needed. 

“No, sorry Grandmother, it’s not Noah… it’s me, I’m just using Noah’s phone.”

Lucinda sprouted the usual phone call pleasantries until an impatient Luke cut her off, “Listen, I’m sorry to interrupt but I need an urgent favor.”

Luke waited as Lucinda asked him what the favor might be. Noah was curious himself.

“Do you think you could get me a visitation pass for Statesville Prison? For tomorrow? I urgently need to see Damian.”

A stunned Noah heard the exclamations and expletives coming through the phone. Luke held the device from his ear and waited for her to finish.

“Yes… look… Grandmother… I totally understand what you are saying. And if there was any other way then, believe me, I’d do it. But I need to speak with him myself. So can you pull some strings?”

Again he waited as Lucinda answered him.

“Yes, as soon as you can. Thank you Grandmother. I’ll be on a plane to Oakdale tonight.”

***

_He intended to keep his promise to Noah._

_His plan was to interview Benoit Dubois, in the hopes that he would provide enough information on the specific heroin that had taken Josh’s life._ _However he arrived at the Dubois home to find it empty. A SOLD sign was erected outside._ _Questioning the neighbors revealed that Benoit and his father had moved back to Paris permanently the day of Josh’s death; only a few hours after they confronted Benoit outside their house…_

_So that really only left Luke with one final option._

_Against his better judgment, and risking Noah’s wrath, he called Jarvis and asked for permission to visit the Santa Clarita area in search of the famous Dean._

_Luke was sure it was likely that Dean was the dealer of the very drug that took Josh’s life. Especially since most of the kids he had interviewed from Josh’s school seemed to get their supplies from him._

_With a guilty heart, Luke broke through the invisible protection barrier set by Noah, and went in search of Dean._

***

Luke’s right knee bobbed nervously up and down as he waited in the visitation room. 

God, but he hated these places!

He tried to still his leg, but the motion appeared to be subconscious; and it would start again just as soon as it had stopped. He knew what his actions were doing to Noah. Luke saw the look on his husband’s face as he packed a small overnight back and left the house. 

It had been difficult to get any sleep alone in bed at the farm, but he guessed home would have been no better. At least at the farm he didn't have to endure the agonizing silent treatment Noah had decided to lay on him. 

Noah hadn’t said a single word to him since they left the alley and Luke was on a plane to Oakdale within just a few hours of that. Consequently, Luke hadn’t had the opportunity to explain himself.

Luke really did have good reasons for doing what he did. 

_Boy, do I have my reasons!_

First thing that morning, he used Emma’s phone to try contacting Noah, but Noah wasn’t fooled and he didn’t pick up. 

“Fine,” Luke thought. “I broke a promise and you’re gonna to punish me for it. I get that.”

But he longed to hear Noah’s voice, angry or otherwise. Luke just… needed him. 

So now he sat waiting to see Damian. The one person he had vowed never to look upon again. He shook with nerves. His last encounter with his father had been an emotional one. Damian, flustered and fearful, dumped him suddenly with the control of a global shipping business and then split. No explanation! Nothing! 

At the time, Luke's relationship with Damian was the closest it had ever been. He believed Damian to be a changed man. He truly believed that his birth father was done with the dirty mind games he'd traditionally used to control people. So it just about killed Luke to find out that Damian had married his mother, knowing full well there was a chance Holden was still alive. Not to mention the string of lies Damian had told to cover his tracks; including faking his own death.

Damian betrayed Luke's trust for the last time and Luke had resolved to strip the man out of his life once and for all. 

Except he couldn’t… not totally… not while he was CEO of Grimaldi Shipping; desperately trying to rid the company of it’s many double dealings and dirty employees. Not to mention almost getting himself and Noah killed in the process. 

_Noah._

At the thought of his husband, Luke felt that anxious knot in the pit of his stomach tighten. He hated it when things were rocky between them. With difficulty, he returned his thoughts to the issue at hand.

Selling Grimaldi Shipping was the best decision Luke could ever have made. For a while, their lives had been totally Grimaldi free.

Until now…

He slightly jumped as the door to the visitation room opened and he felt a wave of nausea hit him at the sight of his father standing there. If he hadn’t been sitting he would have taken a step back. 

Damian’s face always lit up at the sight of his son, but today it positively glowed with delight.

“Luciano,” he exclaimed with happiness and surprise, “it is so wonderful to see you my son. I thought that…”

“You thought right.” Luke gripped the sides of the table before him in his attempt to hide the shudders he could feel travelling throughout his body. He steeled himself and held his father’s gaze; narrowed his eyes in warning. He waited for the guard to unlock the cuffs from one of Damian’s wrists and secured it to a loop in the iron table.

Damian waited until the guard had taken up his position by the door. “Then you did not come here to visit with me?” he asked, a look of disappointment replacing the delight. 

“No,” Luke replied with contempt, “if I had any choice I wouldn’t be here at all.”

_I’d be with Noah, begging his forgiveness._

The thought sent a sudden and sharp pain of want shooting up his body. He would give anything to have Noah by his side at that moment. 

Damian’s gaze fell on Luke’s wedding ring and he nodded toward it. “I never had the opportunity to congratulate you and Noah on your marriage. I sent you a gift.”

“I sent it back.”

“You must be very happy…”

“I’m not here to talk about my life,” Luke cut him off. “You are no longer a part of that. Sit!” 

Damian watched Luke with interest for just a moment and then, with a terse nod, took a seat opposite him. 

“What has happened to your face?” he asked, noticing for the first time the large and nasty scratch down Luke’s left cheek.

“I’m surprised you don’t already know,” Luke replied, his voice dripping with accusation.

An unusually confused Damian frowned at him. “What are you saying?”

********************

 _He tried to shake off the sense of danger. He approached the group of young boy’s loitering around the entrance to an off-street ally;_ _shaded his eyes against the bright afternoon sunlight. He was breathing heavily and his face felt hot._ _He heard footsteps and whirled about to find a further three youths following him from behind, enclosing him within a circle of gang members._

 _An African American boy emerged from within the group and stood before Luke._ _Luke took a deep breath and swallowed his sense of apprehension; choking down his fear._

**_For Josh._ **

_“I’m looking for Dean,” Luke said coolly._

_The young man, who couldn’t have been more than fifteen, didn’t give away any kind of emotion. His eyes were dark with venom._ _Luke could barely keep himself from taking an involuntary step backward._

_“You a cop,” the boy said. It wasn’t a question. The voice wasn’t loud. In fact it barely lifted above the sound of the busy street behind them, but Luke had no difficulty in hearing him; so tense was the atmosphere._

_“I’m not a cop and I’m not here to cause any trouble. I just need to have a word with Dean.”_

_Pairs of eyes rested distrustfully on him._

_“What do you want with ‘im?” the boy’s tone was distinctly unfriendly._

_Luke took another deep breath. “I have some questions about a boy who may, at one time, have bought some stuff from Dean.”_

_“What boy?”_

_“Josh."_

_One of the other kids gave a loud snort; but the boy addressing Luke didn’t move._

_“Let’s say we knows this Josh… whatcha want to know?”_

_Luke felt a stab of pain and closed his eyes tight for a minute._

_“Josh was… a friend of mine. He’s… he died.”_

_Something changed in the eyes of the boy standing before him. Luke didn’t know what it was, but it made Luke half raise his hands and steady his stance in preparation to protect himself._

_“He’s definitely a cop, Nick!” said another boy from the gang, moving closer._

_Luke glanced over at this other boy and became even more alarmed to see this kid’s big, bony knuckles clenched in readiness._

_The situation was not going well._

_“I am not a cop,” Luke reiterated._

_“A reporter then?” yet another boy asked. “That’s even worse!”_

_Something in Luke’s expression at those words gave him away and before he could blink he was being pushed and pulled deeper within the privacy of the alley._

_“Look… I just have a few questions about how Josh died.”_

_Nick hit him then, just under his ribs._

_Taken completely by surprise, Luke doubled and staggered back, gasping from the blow; feeling the force of it all the way through to his spine._

_It made the anger within him boil..._

_“Hold back!, Nick told his friends, “this one’s mine!”_

_“Stop!” Luke demanded, trying to get enough breath to talk. “Stop, right now!”_

_Nick hit him again, this time on the side of his face. It was a glancing blow, but a ring on the boy’s finger scraped the skin and left Luke’s cheek throbbing._

_Luke pulled back, apprehension turning to fury._

**_The little shit!_ **

_Nick swung at him again, but missed as Luke ducked and bolted to one side. Luke took a giant step backward; the blood drumming in his ears. He crouched, hands up and ready to fight._

_He saw the kid’s right punch, ducked and countered; felt his fist brush the cotton of the boy’s shirt. Nick's quick left punch got Luke in the eye._ _Flashing stars and streaks of light exploded through the side of his head. His eyes began to water as he launched himself at Nick, roaring._ _He was fighting for his life now, he realized; for Noah and the kids._

_He hit the boy; he actually felt his fist hit flesh that time, but it was pointless. As soon as Nick was disabled, the rest of the crew launched themselves at Luke, holding him prisoner by his arms and taking turns to punch or kick him in the gut._

_“WHAT THE FUCK is going on!” a new voice joined the frenzy of the others; the kicking instantly stopped._

_Luke hung, gasping for breath and knees scrapping the ground between two gang members. They continued to hold him up by his arms. His head weighed a ton; he was unable to look up._

_“He’s here about that Josh kid, Dean!” Luke heard Nick explain. “You know… that one that OD’d?”_

_“I told you lot before! You can’t do this on our turf! You’ll get us lifted!” Dean yelled. Then Luke heard him sigh as he accepted the situation was already out of control. “Cop?”_

_“Nope… we think he’s a reporter!”_

_“Let me see ‘im!”_

_A hand grabbed Luke’s hair and jerked his head up so that Dean could see his face. Green eyes glittered only inches away; Luke felt the boy’s breath blow hot on his face as he was closely examined._

_“Holy SHIT! You stupid fucks!” Dean exclaimed suddenly. “Let ‘im go!”_

_“What?”_

_“You heard me! I said LET-HIM-GO!”_

_The hands under his upper arms released their grip and Luke fell hard to the floor._

_“Jesus! You people got no fucking sense! This is Damian Grimaldi’s kid!”_

_“No way!” another boy exclaimed._

_“You sure?” a suddenly fearful Nick asked._

_“Split! All of ya! Split and don’t gather for two days!”_

_Luke heard the sound of retreating footsteps and lay on the floor with the strangest feeling like he’d just swallowed a broken glass._

**_Damian!_ **

_When he was sure the coast was clear he coughed a few times and made the move to get up._ _The pain in his body was nothing compared to the pain in his heart._ _He had to call Lucinda!_

_Then he heard a beautiful but distressed voice call his name, “LUKE!”_

***

Luke left Damian seated in that room in a flurry of suppressed feelings that threatened to burst from within. He would not give Damian the satisfaction of seeing how his presence affected him. He said what he needed to say, got the answer he wanted, and left as quickly as possible; overwhelmed by the same rage that had driven him across states to see the man in the first place. 

It was eating him up from the inside out; more rage was piled on as he realized just how easily his father could still get to him. The moment he was out the door, stumbling along the long corridor to the prison security hall, he could feel the teardrops already stinging the cut on his cheek.

**Hold yourself together! You will not breakdown in the middle of a prison! You will not!**

He was on the verge of doing just that, dizzy and overly emotional when he rounded the corner; suddenly and unexpectedly confronted by Noah’s piercing blue gaze. 

Luke heart beat faster; his breath shuddered; he struggled to understand how it was possible Noah could be there. His eyes widened. He was seeing things! 

But then Noah spoke. “I am so angry with you, right now,” he said, voice cracked, “But there was no way I could let you do this by yourself.” 

Three large sobs instantly escaped Luke’s burning throat; so relieved he was to have Noah there. 

Noah sighed. “Come here.”

Luke fell quivering and grateful into Noah’s warm arms; tears wetting through the man’s shirt as he allowed the anger to dissipate into the true source of it all – a deep, all consuming and agonizing pain. 

***

_“Two words,” Luke said, once he had Damian’s full attention, “Santa Clarita.”_

_Damian’s eyebrows rose, but otherwise he displayed no sign of understanding._ _“Is that supposed to mean something to me?”_

_“Well it should,” Luke accused him, “since it’s the place out of which you’re running your fucking heroin supply!”_

_Damian’s head jerked. “What has happened?”_

_Luke snorted. “And you don’t even bother to deny it?”_

_“Luciano, if somebody has threatened you because of me they shall be dealt with. After the last time, I have made myself very clear on that point!”_

_Luke shook his head in repulsion. “If you were planning on protecting me from getting hurt then you’re a little late!”_

_Damian frowned, looking down at his finger as it tapped the iron table in consideration. "_ _That boy you were caring for…” he waved his hand about as he tried to remember the name. “Josh? This has something to do this his death.”_

_“I shouldn’t be surprised that you already know,” Luke told him. “Just how many spies **do** you have positioned in my life, Damian?”_

_“Luciano… I am only looking out for your best interests. I am only concerned for your well-being. You and Noah.”_

_“Oh really? You didn’t seem so concerned a year ago when you left me to mop up all your lies!”_

_“Luciana that was…”_

_“Save it! I already told you! I’m not here to go over the past or to discuss my personal life with you. The only reason I am here, is because Josh is dead. And as far, as I’m concerned, that’s on your head!”_

_“You cannot blame me for that!”_

_“So you’re not running heroin out of Santa Clarita then?”_

_Damian’s silence was all Luke needed to hear._

_“How are you doing it?” Luke asked. “How are you smuggling it in?”_

_“The ships,” Damian simply answered, as though it were obvious._

_Luke jerked with surprise, feeling air leave his lungs. “What ships?”_

_“Grimaldi Shipping ships, what else?_

_Luke felt another knot forming in his gut._

_“But I sold G.S.”_

_Damian smiled._

_“Son? Forgive me, but you didn’t honestly believe I would let you sell a company that generations of Grimaldi’s worked tirelessly to build? Especially to some outside competitor?”_

_Luke clenched his jaw in an effort to hold back tears. “Are you saying I sold G.S. to you?”_

_“Through a subsidiary,” Damian nodded, “yes. It saddens me that you chose to rid yourself of your birthright. But yes, for all intents and purposes, Grimaldi Shipping is back under my control.”_

_Luke couldn’t even formulate words to fit his repugnance of Damian._

_“So is that it, Luciano? You came here to find out about the drugs?”_

_“No,” Luke said, “i’m here to ask you to stop. If you ever loved me…”_

_“Of course I love you. You are my son.”_

_“Then you do this one thing for me," Luke rose as the emotion elevated him, “you do one fucking good thing in your whole miserable existence and you stop importing that shit into this country. You stop feeding it to children!”_

***

“They knew who I was, Noah.”

As Luke finished filling him in, Noah softly, reverently, drew the flat of his hand back and forth the length of Luke’s denim clad thigh, across his belly to rest over his breast.

Luke shivered, settling down further into Noah’s lap as they lay together, gently rocking on the farm’s porch swing. 

“Are you still mad at me?” Luke asked.

“Yes.”

“I had to do it. For Josh.”

He felt Noah’s sigh as it traveled up his body and though his lips. 

“What would I have done, Luke? If you weren’t a Grimaldi?” Noah asked him. “I wouldn’t have found you yesterday in that alley. I wouldn’t have found you at all. There would have been days, weeks, months even; of not knowing. Living without answers, until you eventually turned up dead somewhere; fished out of the river with a rock tied to your legs.”

“I was so…”

“You don’t think!” Noah interrupted him. “You don’t think when you become driven like this. You don’t consider what it would mean for us if we lost you. Especially like that.”

The more Noah spoke the more Luke could feel the reverberations through his body.

“I know,” he eventually conceded, “I’m sorry, Bubby.” 

Luke held him tighter, trying to reassure him; calm him out of the fear Luke sensed raging inside the other man. He turned in Noah’s arms to place kisses on this cheek and ear, and wove his fingers through his thick black hair. As he felt Noah’s pent up pain, Luke’s hands began to tremble and he shuddered into tears. 

Noah’s hand rose up over the back of his head, stroking and as he did, Luke pressed his face into Noah’s neck. 

“My family did this,” Luke eventually managed to say. “My family killed Josh.”

“Your family may have played a part in this, Luke,” he heard Noah say, “not you. This isn’t your fault, okay?”

Luke nodded; lifted his head to come face to face with the troubled blue eyes. “I’m sorry. I keep doing this to you and…”

Noah started to shake his head.

“… it’s not fair. You know the last thing I would ever want, is to cause you any more pain. You know that, right?”

As per usual Noah didn’t speak. He bit his lower lip and nodded his understanding.

Luke wanted so much to comfort him back. So he did the only thing he could in that moment, he pressed their lips together and moved his tongue into Noah’s mouth. Noah's lips parted open; tongue finding Luke's own in a smooth, textured glide. So tender, Luke wanted to bite it, suck at it; draw the very essence of strength from Noah's body.

Noah held Luke’s face between his hands, tracing the graze down Luke's cheek; fingers slipping below the neckline of Luke's shirt. Sweet pleasures trickled over Luke's skin like music notes.

Luke's hand settled on the bulge in Noah’s jeans; the other on his thigh; both hands rubbing until the pressure and the heat became too much. They left to go upstairs, locking the bedroom door, and falling into bed together. 

Noah’s hands yanked down Luke's zip; slipped inside Luke’s underwear in slow, lazy strokes. The pleasure was immediate and consuming. Luke's thighs dropped open as Noah kissed Luke hard; investigating fingers taking Luke’s breath away. Belly quivering, clothing disappearing item by item; fingers were everywhere; describing circles, pressing and smoothing, dipping between creases to caress a burning hardness.

Luke felt lost in kisses and heat and touch. He had to will himself to pull away. He wanted this moment to be about Noah, so he rolled himself over, pressing Noah’s back into the bedding. He placed gentle kisses over Noah's eyes, nose and mouth; thigh rubbing between Noah’s legs. The brunette made a small sound that echoed inside of Luke; his long body writhing against him, sending little shivers of anticipation to Luke's throbbing groin. Luke kissed Noah everywhere, a hand roving over Noah’s body; bearing weight down on him. His mouth found Noah’s neck and shoulders and lingered over each of his nipples. He listened intently to Noah’s sighs and groans, reading him; trying to give him as much pleasure as possible.

He bent over Noah and replaced his stroking hand with his mouth; slipping fingers inside him; hearing him sigh into the sensation. The more Luke sucked at him; the harder he pumped; the hotter Noah’s flesh became, until Noah couldn’t hold out any longer. Luke felt the body under his gather and convulse; Noah shuddering a pool of wetness into Luke’s mouth and a stifled groan into the back of his hand.

Luke rose over Noah's body once more, smoothing back Noah’s hair; feeling up him once more. Kneeling between his thighs he pushed with utmost tenderness inside. 

Noah’s head turned, his eyes fluttered opened; he arched up against Luke, whispering something Luke couldn’t quite make out; twining one blonde curl around his finger.

Usually when Luke topped it was rough, hard, quick; but this time, Luke moved slowly, feeling such emotion from Noah; whispering, “I love you.”

Luke opened his eyes in time to catch a rending pain pass over Noah’s eyes and Noah wipe a tell-tale teardrop from his cheek. They continued to make love with a slow deliberateness, finding their release completely in the need to comfort each other.


	18. Chapter 18

_He stood for some time just staring at the door, his jaw quivering._ _Eventually he bit the bullet and just flung it open._

_He didn’t know what he expected to find. He thought he knew what he had seen in Noah’s terror stricken eyes but…_

_It was peaceful._

_He approached the bed one slow step at a time, until he was staring down at the boy._

_Josh was asleep. He was asleep... that’s all..._

_Relief washed over him and he turned to yell out to Noah; tell Noah everything was fine, he’d made a mistake._

_But the words stuck in his throat as Josh’s hand shot out to grab at his wrist, his blue eyes were open wide and he was howling._

_***_

Luke was ripped from his sleep by Mia’s high pitched wail and a loud knocking at the door. 

At first he was disoriented. 

He was on the right hand side of the bed instead of his usual left; he kicked the slumbering Noah in his frantic attempt to scramble to his feet. 

Taking a moment, he sat up and looked around at the familiar, yet unfamiliar, bedroom.

_The farm!_

Flying out of the bed, he bolted for the door in his desperation to get to the distort Mia, but he caught a flash of his naked self in the standalone mirror and remembered in that split second to put on some pants. 

Dressed, he unlocked and opened the door to find his father standing there with the screaming child in his arms. 

Mia immediately stretched her arms out for Luke, hitching her little breath as she struggled to breathe through her panic.

“Sorry, Dad,” Luke said, taking Mia from his arms and adjusting her pink nightgown as he did so, “we fell asleep and forgot to leave our door open for them.”

“It’s okay, Luke.” Holden assured him, smiling at how quickly Mia relaxed now that she was with Luke. “I had hoped to give you and Noah a lie in, but I couldn’t get her to calm at all.”

Mia’s head lay on Luke’s shoulder and her screams had mercifully been pacified by the thumb she stuck in her mouth. 

“She woke up in a strange place, that’s all.” Luke said, stroking her back. He kissed the top of Mia’s head. “Did you get a fright, baby?”

She nodded into his chest.

“I’m sorry. Do you want to come and sleep in our bed for a while?”

Again she nodded, without once taking the thumb from her mouth. 

“Thanks, Dad.”

Holden smiled. “Don’t mention it. And no need to worry about Nicky. He’s already playing outside with Ethan. He was up at the crack of dawn with me.” 

Luke laughed. “He loves being with you.”

“You okay son? You look a little…”

“Just a nightmare.” Luke assured him. 

Holden nodded sadly at him.

“Okay, well, I’ve got a few things to do around the farm. Work has sure piled up since I’ve been away in L.A. So I’ll catch you guys later.”

“We’ll be out to help you soon, Dad.”

“Oh no you won’t,” Holden stated. “Absolutely not. You two need a break and that’s what you’ll get while you’re both here. The fresh country air will do you some good. As will Ma’s choc-chip cookies I’m willing to wager!”

Luke smiled at his father and relented with a nod. “See you later then, Dad.”

He closed the door with his foot and turned to find that Noah had slept through the whole conversation.

“Noah shleeping…” Mia informed him from behind her thumb.

“Yes he is, so we need to stay nice and quiet, okay?”

He placed her on the bed and she crawled into the crook of Noah’s arm, lying there and staring up at the ceiling. Luke lay down beside her and rolled over on his side.

He pushed a strand of hair from her face and whispered, “Where are we, Mia?”

She yawned and gazed up at him, making him smile. She was gorgeous.

“I don’t know,” she answered.

“Yeah you do. I bet Nicky told you…”

“There’s horses.” 

“That’s right! Did Nicky tell you that?”

She nodded, big eyes starting to droop as she began to nod off behind a yawn. 

“What else did Nicky say?”

“Pol..age,” she barley got the word out before Luke heard Noah’s attempt to conceal a snort. “Hey.” Luke smiled at him.

“Hi,” Noah returned; rolling over to see Mia better.

She lifted Noah’s hand into her little fingers and started playing with it.

“You still mad?” Luke sheepishly asked, raising hopeful eyes at Noah.

His husband shook his head. “You did a really stupid thing, Luke.”

“I know.”

“Noah, I was scared,” Mia interrupted, dropping Noah’s hand to suck back on her thumb.

“What?” 

“When she woke up,” Luke explained.

“Oh,” Noah said. “Well, I’ll tell you a secret… Want to hear it?”

She nodded enthusiastically.

“This is the one place in the whole world where you never have to be alone or frightened. There are only good things here. It’s like magic!”

She smiled. “Like Dis-thney?”

They both laughed. 

“Yeah,” Noah replied, “I guess so. When I first came here, I thought places like this only existed in fairy tales. I didn't know these places were real!”

He looked up and shared a lengthily gaze with Luke. Luke wished he could say that Noah was content. And maybe in that moment he was. His voice was soft and even, and his face calm. But Luke saw the surface of a dark pool reflected in those baby blues; the water ruffled as though something heavy had just sunk below. 

Unable to see Noah’s silent pain for a moment longer, Luke Looked away and asked the little girl, “What shall we do today, Mia?”

“Go schwimming.”

Luke and Noah exchanged a quiet smile and Luke resolved to give Noah more time. Eventually the man would let it out. He would have to. 

“It’s a little cold to go swimming, baby,” Luke told her, “we’re not at the beach right now.”

“I want to be a mermaid.”

“I guess we can safely say you sorted the water thing out?” Luke suggested. 

Noah nodded; a slight tinge of relief on his brow. 

“At least some things are coming right.” Luke thought watching him. 

“We can’t go swimming at the moment, Mia,” Noah told her, “but how would you like to ride a pony?”

She couldn’t even get a word out - just ecstatic panting sounds - she was so excited.

“Because I’m sure if you asked Granddad really nicely he’ll show you how to ride one.” 

“And I happen to know a very nice pony called Nash who would love to meet a pretty little lady like you.” Luke finished.

“Yay!” she exclaimed.

Suddenly no longer tired, she hopped up on her knees between them before diving at Noah and sitting on his chest. “Can we go now?”

Getting his breath back, Noah laughed. “Not right away, Mia, okay? First we-”

Thunderous footfalls sounded; two blurred shapes whizzed into the room and flew onto the bed in uproarious giggles.

“Grandma Emma made pol-age!” Nicholas exclaimed right in Luke’s face. “Can we eat now? Can we? Can we?”

“Yes,” Luke told him, “but first we have to get you guys cleaned up! What _have_ you been doing?”

Both boys were caked in dirt, from their toes all the way to the tops of their heads.

“We’re searching for buried treast-ture.” Ethan proudly informed his brother. 

Noah laughed, rubbing at one of Ethan’s smudged cheeks. Luke’s heart soured at a sound he hadn’t heard in days. 

“Where were you guys looking,” Noah asked, “the pigsty?”

Mia giggled, but both boys looked at Noah as though he were an idiot.

“There are no pigs here, silly!” Nicholas exclaimed.

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Noah said, “I’m pretty sure I’m looking at two right now!”

Noah launched at them both; grabbing one under each arm and holding them there was he tickled them.

They squealed loudly.

“Yip. Definitely sounds like two piglets to me… What do you think Mia?”

Collapsing with laughter, Mia joined in with the tickling.

“Funny piggies!” she agreed.

And even though the boys were covering the sheets, Noah and Mia in dirt, Luke left them too it. 

It felt so good, after such a period of sadness, to be able to laugh, even for just a moment.

***

Damian’s prison cell was about 6 by 8 feet with brick walls; one solid and barred door that locked from the outside. 

Unlike most other prisoners on Ward D, Damian shared his cell with nobody. It was amazing what money could get you if you just found the right outstretched hand. 

His only window overlooked the prison exercise yard, and his cell was a high enough above the prison walls to have a view of the surrounding countryside and tree plantations. On certain days, when the wind blew in from the east, the prison became infested with the acrid smell of the nearby paper factory. Today was one of those days.

The smell was like a manifestation of what he felt inside, after his meeting with Luke the day before. He dropped his prison issued sweats to take a quick leak in the stainless steel lavatory. He sighed in relief, leaning with one hand against the cold brickwork. 

As he turned from washing his hands, his eyes focused on the only photograph in the room. It was carefully stuck on the wall by his bed, pride of place. 

The three of them stood in the yard outside the Oakdale house. It was a beautiful summer’s day and Lily had that soft smile on her face. The one Damian loved which she only ever wore around Luke. Her “proud smile” as Damian had always referred to it. Damian had one arm wrapped around Lily’s neck, possessively gripping her opposite shoulder, while his other arm was around Luke. Luke smiled that cheeky grin. 

“My family,” Damian thought, “as we should always have been.”

He felt that familiar pang of regret for the years he’d lost with his son, and for the mistakes he’d made; mistakes that meant he was now forever more cursed with being an outsider to Luke’s life. 

And as if his son didn’t already hate him enough, this had to happen! Now Damian had to add drug smuggling to his list of crimes.

Making sure the prison guard for Ward D was at least ten minutes away from passing on his rounds; Damian pulled out a loose brick from the wall to retrieve the cell phone he had hidden away in there. 

Just another of the perks to having the right connections and enough ready cash. 

He pressed the speed dial and waited for an answer.

“This is Damian Grimaldi,” he told the person who answered, “I wish to speak with my uncle.”

“I’m sorry,” came the reply, “Mr Grimaldi cannot be disturbed during his brandy and cigar hour. If you like, you can-.”

“I will not fucking call back later! Do you know who this is?”

“Yes, sir,” the nervous voice answered, “I am terribly sorry, sir, but Mr Grimaldi is quite clear on this issue.”

Damian drew a deep breath.

“Unless you want to find yourself dead in a ditch somewhere, I suggest you do as I say and get my uncle on the phone!”

There was a marked silence. 

“SUBITO!”

That was all it took. Damian heard the running of footsteps; a door open and his uncle’s angry voice swearing any number of threats in Italian at his poor assistant. 

But eventually his uncle relented and took the call. “Da-da!”

Damian cringed. God, he hated being called that! 

“What a pleasure to hear from you, son.”

“Hello, uncle.” Damian replied, matching Anton’s fake cordiality. 

“To what do I owe this great pleasure?”

“I’m calling to ask an important question, uncle.” 

“Of course, anything.”

Damian could hear the distinct tinkle of ice in a glass as it was swirled around in his uncle’s hand.

“When exactly did the Grimaldi’s turn to drug smuggling? And, before you answer that, why was this instruction undertaken without my knowledge or consent?”

“I am head of this family, Damian. Sometimes you forget that.” Anton softened, “Come now Da-da. These are tough times we are in. There is a recession! Didn’t your father ever teach you anything? Adapt or die!” 

“Even at the expense of innocent children?”

“The strong have always survived on the blood of the weak. Since time immemorial…”

Damian breathed deeply and then flinched slightly at the realization that he had once shared these views. But that was a long, long time ago. So much had happened in his life since then. Beliefs such as those had lost him not only Lily, the love of his life, but now Luke as well. 

It was Lily who had taught him the art of true love, but it was his son who helped him see the human damage his actions could cause. 

“Prison has softened you Damian.”

“We will no longer be shipping heroin into the U.S.” Damian said simply, ignoring Anton’s attempt to insult him.

“I would watch my tone if I were you,” his uncle answered coolly. “If I say we are importing heroin, then we are importing heroin. Lo sono il boss! Understood?”

“Not with my ships you are not.”

“What?”

“I am being quite clear, uncle. Grimaldi Shipping is my company, and I will have every last cavity of every one of my ships checked before they hit the port.”

“You dare to stand-“Anton began, but was promptly interrupted.

“Luciano was attacked two days ago by your thugs.”

“That is impossible.”

“Yet it is the truth.”

“I tell you it cannot be!” Anton insisted. “Anyone working for me has express instructions on that matter. Your son has always been protected Da-da. Despite his perversions."

Damian flinched. 

"He will be protected as a Grimaldi heir! As is right! You know that! Or have you forgotten all the men killed defending Luciano only a few months ago?”

“I have not forgotten. But somebody has made a grave mistake, and I would like whoever it was punished and removed.”

Before Anton could reply, the sound of footsteps forced Damian to end the call and quickly return the phone to it’s hiding place. 

“Officer…” he kindly greeted as the guard walked past his cell. 

Damian sat on the bed. His son’s wishes would be fulfilled, but Luke would never know the truth about Anton. 

Damian’s son was impulsive. Maybe even more impetuous than he, if that were even possible. If Luke knew the truth, he would head straight on the warpath to Anton’s door.

And nephew or not… heir or not… Anton would kill Luke if pushed too far. 

Yes, Damian would take the blame for the smuggling. After all, what difference did it make? Luke was never going to forgive him anyway. 

As he ran a finger down Luke’s form in the photograph on his wall, Damian accepted this as the ultimate truth.

***

Nicholas loved to be on Grandma Emma’s farm. Mostly because that was where Ethan was too; and they could run and talk to the horses and pick wild flowers and go without shoes. 

Emma would gather them around the kitchen table for meals and say, “Eat up boys! You want to grow big and strong like Luke and Noah, don’t you?”

Now he ran barefoot after Ethan through the field and splashed across the shallow stream to the other side. He promptly began picking spring wildflowers and bundling them together in a bunch, perhaps to hand triumphantly to Lily later. 

Ethan wandered around the meadow, occasionally finding a bug of interest and gently tweezing it between his fingers; dropping it into his glass jam jar. He liked to lift the jar up to examine the small beasts from below. 

Nicholas was like a wild child on the farm, running here and there with Ethan. He was nothing like that shy boy they had first brought to the farm; the one that refused to leave their side or talk to anybody… least of all Ethan. 

This version was prone to the usual scrapes and bruises and occasional stunning collisions with open doors; lumps on the forehead and cut fingers, as any other normal boy child. 

And it felt wonderful, Noah thought. Even if Nicholas still felt the need, once in a while, to hide food, or withhold speech from strangers, it didn’t matter. This version of Nicholas proved that. He was their greatest success.

“Awesome!” he heard Nicholas exclaim loudly, exotic blue eyes glinting as he studied the contents of Ethan’s jar. 

A jolt like lightning hit Noah then.

“That’s what Josh says,” Nicholas told Ethan, “when something’s cool, then you say awesome!”

“Awesome!” Ethan copied. 

As he was instantly reminded of the child they couldn’t save, Noah sniffed and hid a shudder from Luke.

They sat on a blanket in the shade of an old oak tree. Luke was watching Mia as she balanced along a dead log, jumping off the end and running around it to climb back up and start again. But as the depth of Noah’s emotion once again rattled that iron box inside, Luke immediately turned to him, looking at him with an expression of such worry that guilt gripped at Noah. 

So now it was pain _and_ guilt he forced at bay.

“Okay,” Luke asked, sweetly rubbing his arm, “you look pale.”

Holden was nearby, stooped low, working on repairing the wiring of the perimeter fence. But at Luke’s question, his head turned; caught Noah’s gaze as it drifted from Luke’s. 

Holden stopped working and stood. 

Noah wanted to look away, but it was as though Holden had an invisible hold over him. Every time he managed to avert his eyes, they would snap back to Holden’s. It was the deep warmth; the kindness and concern that emanated from the older man that was breaking Noah in two. 

Noah could feel a screw turning inside, the lock on his iron box cracking. 

Everything whooshed toward him; trees, grass, sky, faces, water; as though the world were turning in on itself and Noah was the epicenter swallowing it all. He felt sick; was wrapped within this strange yet strong urge to get up.

So he did. He stood and took a few steps.

It was a mistake. 

He was asleep. A warm, deep and wonderful sleep.

“Noah?” 

He was having the strangest dream that he lay in a field of buttercups. 

“Baby?” Luke’s voice near his ear; hands gentle on his face. “Noah, Baby, wake up.” 

“Ha?” he asked, confused. 

“Noah, you passed out.”

His vision cleared; blur of colors merging into Luke’s apprehensive face. Noah lifted a hand to Luke’s head. “I’m fine,” Noah told him. “I’m okay.” 

He sat up and looked into the six shocked eyes of their children, all standing in a row and staring at him. Noah smiled reassuringly at them all.

“Sorry,” He said again.

“How’re you feeling, son?” Holden asked. Noah turned his head to find his father-in-law on the other side of him. 

“Really, guys!” Noah insisted. “I don’t know what happened. I just got really dizzy there for a moment. But I feel okay, now.”

“Let’s get you back on the blanket.” Luke suggested.

Noah allowed them to help him to the blanket and he sat back down, looking up at the canopy of leaves. 

“Here,” Holden passed him a water bottle and Noah took a grateful few swigs. 

“Thanks,” he said when he was done. He looked up at Luke’s troubled expression and smiled. “Luke… please… I’m fine.”

Luke nodded.

“Listen guys,” Holden said then, “I’ve been thinking. It’s been years since I had a proper vacation.”

“What are you saying?” asked Luke.

Noah already knew what the older man was about to say. Holden was looking right at him again.

“I’m coming back to L.A. with you guys. I think you could use my help with the kids and I could use a break from the farm.”

“Wow, Dad, are you sure?” Luke asked. “Because you don’t have to, you know? We can manage.”

“I want to.”

“Who’s going to run things around here then?” Luke asked.

“Well, I’ve been training Hank Butcher’s son up and I think it would be okay to leave the farm in Pip’s hands. It will be a good learning experience for him.”

All the while that Holden spoke to Luke his eyes never once left Noah. 

Noah bit down on his bottom lip. He had to admit that he feared Holden’s presence in L.A. just as much as he was glad to have it. 

“It’ll be great to have you around, Dad.” Luke smiled. “Won’t it, Bubby?”

Noah nodded as he swallowed a large lump in his throat.


	19. Chapter 19

Ever since she first began her job at the L.A. Daily News, Jenna would occasionally sneak out of the fifth floor window onto the metal fire escape outside; where she’d spend a few minutes smoking a cigarette. 

It was her special spot that nobody knew about. 

At least nobody did until now.

“Seriously,” she asked, as she stooped through the window to stand on the ledge, “is there no place in this office that you don’t frequent?

Luke didn’t turn around. “I was just leaving, so there’s no need to get all bitchy on me, okay?” 

It would have been hard to miss how his voice crackled like a scrunched up chip packet. She watched as he lifted one arm to his face; realized quickly that he had been crying. 

That familiar feeling of discomfort wafted over her. She hated outward displays of emotion, especially those around the topic of death. They put her on edge. In fact Luke Snyder put her on edge in general. He made her… feel. 

“And before you reel me over the Steadman article, you can have it,” he told her, “I don’t have the time or the head to write it, anyway.”

“I choose my own articles, thank you very much. I don’t need your cast offs...”

“Why,” Luke turned to her. His eyes were red. “is it because Jarvis gave it to me and now I’m offering it to you? That’s really juvenile you know?”

Inside she felt a stirring she’d been feeling lately whenever she thought about, saw or spoke to Luke Snyder. Ever since she found out about that kid he took in. She didn’t like it! 

“Yes. I do know. Still don’t care.” She cupped one hand over the end of the cigarette in her mouth while using the other hand to flick her lighter. She had to click it a few times, but eventually the flame lit and she drew in a puff of calming smoke. Pure bliss!

“You know, I’m really…” he drew a deep breath of exasperation. She was used to getting those from people. “Things aren’t exactly going great me for right now… I know you don’t like me. I get that. But, please, could you be nice just for a little while?”

That thing stirred inside of Jenna again; she reacted instinctively to deny that she felt it. “I thought you said you were leaving.”

Luke shook his head with a sarcastic, breathy laugh. “I think I’ve finally worked you out.”

“Oh really?”

“You don’t treat me this way because Jarvis likes me; or I was given an editorial quicker than you… This is something else…”

“I’m just dying to know what your keen reporter sense tells you.”

“You have a problem working with me because I’m gay.”

She laughed, surprising not only Luke but herself. She didn’t often find anything hysterically funny, but this just took the biscuit! 

“God,” Luke exclaimed, gesturing with his arms “and now she laughs at me! You think this is some kind of joke or something?”

“Well… I mean… it is…” Jenna chuckled, “you think I’m a homophobe...”

“It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Hmm… I think my girlfriend of two years might disagree with you.”

Luke’s eyes bulged. “What?”

“You heard.”

Luke shook his head. “You’re lying.”

Smiling, she dug into her back pocked and produced the small key she used to lock the pedestal for her desk. The rainbow flag key ring spoke volumes for her.

“Wait,” Luke exclaimed, “if the gay things not the problem then what is?”

She sighed before inhaling another breath of smoke. “Maybe,” she said speaking slowly, “and I know it’s difficult for you to understand, but maybe, I just don’t like you.”

Luke frowned for a moment. It was almost a pout and against her wishes she felt another laugh wanting to break free. Mercilessly, she managed to maintain her apathetic exterior. 

“Why?” he asked.

The question took her back. She wasn’t expecting it. People usually just gave up and left… which was what she wanted. Nobody had ever asked her to provide reasons before.

“I don’t owe you an explanation, Luke.”

“Fine!” he brushed past her on his way back inside. 

The fact that she had irritated him, didn’t give Jenna the usual sense of satisfaction. She felt the strangest need to correct it. 

“You know,” she said quickly before he could leave, “there are ways of getting the information you need without running in all gun-ho and getting yourself killed.”

Jenna hadn’t the foggiest notion what made her sprout those words. Or she did, but she wasn’t willing to admit it. 

“And anyway, it’s illegal,” She continued. “You keep doing that, and you’ll be finding out what the inside of a _real_ prison looks like...”

Luke stopped, mid-bend, arm braced against the top of the window frame. At Jenna’s words he stepped back outside and turned to stare at her. 

Then he smiled; a huge and brilliant smile of victory.

“Shit,” she thought. “Shit, shit, shit!”

“You read my stuff,” a gleeful Luke announced.

_Deny, deny, deny._

“Don’t be ridiculous!” she replied, already knowing it was too late.

“Yes, you did,” he laughed, “you read my stuff and… you liked it!” 

“Okay, fine! I liked it! So what?” 

He was looking at her so strangely now; really studying her; realizing something for the first time.

“What?” she asked when an entire age past without either of them moving. 

“Oh nothing,” Luke replied, a kind of sad yet happy smile on his face. He seemed to be in a moment of reminiscence.

“Yes, there is something! Spill!”

“It’s just… I can’t shake the feeling that if I were into girls… you’d be my type.”

She gagged on her next puff of smoke, spattering and coughing up phlegm. 

Laughing once again Luke turned to leave. “Thanks, Jenna. I was feeling really down only a few minutes ago and you’ve totally cheered me up!” 

With that he was gone.

***

Noah gave a shuddered sigh; Luke dropped the book he was reading on the nightstand; turned off the light; rolled against Noah, curving into a perfect fit of broad back.

“Can’t sleep?” he asked softly; hand wrapping over waist and smoothing against hard breast muscle. 

Noah nodded his head.

“Do you wanna hear something funny?” Luke asked into the curls at the nape of Noah’s neck; nipping gently.

There was a telling clearing of throat before Noah replied, “What’s that?”

Luke lifted up on one elbow. “Turn to me.”

He heard Noah swallow; felt it through the hand he had rested flat against Noah’s chest. Noah made no move to roll over.

“Okay,” Luke whispered, resolving to continue his story anyway. “I know why Jenna get’s to me.”

That worked, Noah turned his head round to look up at Luke.

“You do?”

Luke nodded and hummed his yes. “Think carefully. Overconfident, arrogant, prickly, somethings witty... Who does she remind you of?”

Noah’s forehead creased into a frown as he considered this, then after a few minutes the man smiled widely up at Luke. Luke returned it with a beaming smile of his own. 

“Reid,” they both said at the same time and laughed a little.

“I love to hear you laugh,” Luke told him, running his thumb down Noah’s cheek. 

“Same here.” 

After a short kiss, Noah turned from him again. Luke settled back down; pressed into him. He rubbed Noah’s stomach lightly and let his fingers curve around the wide arch of his ribs, tracing bumps with a soft fingertip. 

Noah sighed again; searched the sheets for Luke’s hand so that he could squeeze it. Luke lay for a while; listened to Noah’s breathing. 

“Won’t you talk to me, babe?” he softly pleaded into the back of Noah’s neck, placing small kisses there. He traced the smooth hollow in the center of Noah’s chest. “You’ll feel so much better… I promise.”

Holding his breath for some kind of reaction from Noah, Luke lifted himself up on his elbow and leaned over to get a better view of Noah’s face. But his husband had fallen into a deep sleep.

“You’re really scaring me,” Luke whispered, gently kissing his temple.

Luke watched Noah for a few more moments, finally deciding that he was too wired to sleep himself. He climbed out of the bed and made his way down the hall. When he came to Josh’s door, he couldn’t stop himself; he knocked to make sure his father wasn't inside, entered and sat on the end of the bed; closed his eyes. Sometimes, when he did this, it was like he could feel Josh in the room with him. It made him feel better. 

When he opened them again, his father was standing in the doorway.

“Hey, Dad.”

“How you holding up, kid?” 

“I think we both know it’s not me we have to worry about.” 

Holden entered the room and sat beside Luke on the bed. His warmth was comforting. “Is he sleeping?”

Luke nodded. “Finally. He doesn’t sleep much, but when he does it’s the deepest I’ve even known him to.” 

“Have you tried talking to him?”

“Yes, of course I have. But I don’t want to press. I’m afraid too. It’s just…”

“…past experience?”

Luke nodded.

“I know what he’s like. I don’t want him to clam up any more than he already has. I guess I’m hoping all he needs is a little more time. But it’s been weeks now. I’m really worried, to be honest. It kills me that I can’t help.”

Holden rubbed Luke’s back. “I know, son. But I think you’re doing the right thing here. I think we have to wait for Noah to let it go… when he’s ready to.”

***

Kevin Howard paced another length of his cell, a weekly ritual that took place every Thursday morning. He was surprised there wasn’t an indentation cracked into the floor. 

He quickly checked his appearance in the mirror for the umpteenth time and sighed; impatient to see his daughter.

Mia – beautiful Mia.

He stood by the door to his cell, waiting for it to open. It wouldn’t be long now. 

Looking down, his eye caught the papers sitting on his desk. They made him wonder whether he would see Luke today. Kevin really needed to speak with Luke, but for the past few weeks their friend Jasmine had been bringing Mia for her visits. 

When Jasmine told him what had happened, his heart bled for Luke and Noah. Two such amazing people didn’t deserve to have so terrible a tragedy befall them; especially two guys still so young, yet with so much responsibility.

The key clanked in the lock breaking Kevin out of his thoughts. 

“Ready?” the guard asked.

“You know me, Doug, I’m up and ready before the crow sings to see my little angel.”

He followed the guard down the familiar corridor toward the visitation yard, but instead of heading to the usual door, the guard took a right.

“Raining today,” Doug quickly explained. 

Whenever it rained, visitation took place in a great hall off one side of the detention center. It wasn’t ideal, since it was smaller, and the younger children tended to get bored quickly. 

This wasn’t good for parents dying to spend precious time with their kids, as sometimes it meant the children would be taken home sooner than they ought to.

This hadn’t happened with Mia yet. She was such a good child and she was growing up so quickly. Every time he saw her she was inches taller; her cheeks more filled out and her dialogue greatly improved. There were moments… many of them… when Mia looked so much like Samantha it physically hurt him to look at her. But then she’d flash that amazing smile and all would be made right again. 

She was, in his opinion, the most gorgeous creature ever created. And she was his. He still had to pinch himself sometimes to believe it. 

He had missed out on so much. 

He couldn’t wait for the day when they would be properly reunited to live their lives together, as they should have done before he ruined it all. 

He spotted her right away; hair glowing cherry red like a beacon among the other children. She saw him then too and ran for him; that incredible smile plastered across her tiny face. “DADDEEEEEEEEE”

“Hey, my pumpkin!” he laughed, catching her in his arms; planting as may kisses on her face as she was on his.

“Daddy! Daddy! I ride-ded a pony!”

“You did?” he gave her his most amazed expression.

“Yes,” she giggled, “and it was called Nash!

“A pony called Nash, ha? And where did you meet this pony?”

As he spoke, he saw Luke sitting in a plastic stool right up against the wall, away from the crowd of other inmates and their families. It was instantly noticeable that Luke had recently walked the path of grief. Kevin knew that look well. He had seen it stare back at him from the mirror for months after Samantha died. 

As Mia continued chatting to him about some farm she went to and a lady called Grandma Emma, Kevin was happy. He was ecstatically happy! But he knew what this happiness would mean for Luke and his husband.

“Hey, Luke.”

Luke stood on Kevin’s approach, his usually sunny smile much dimmed. They hugged briefly. “Hi, Kevin.”

“Look, Luke,” Mia announced, beaming at them both, “my Daddy!”

“Aren’t you lucky?” Luke asked her. “Did you tell him we went to the farm?”

“Ah ha!”

They sat with her on Kevin’s lap for quite some time; Kevin watching how much Luke enjoyed Mia’s conversation and how amazing Luke was with his daughter. The deep love Luke had for Mia was clear in these interactions. 

Kevin thanked God every moment for the day Luke Snyder became his cellmate. 

As per routine, Mia eventually became tired of conversation and wanted to play with the other children. Usually Kevin would join her and they’d spend the time privately together while Luke interviewed an inmate for his book. 

But today, Kevin remained by Luke’s side, prompting Luke to look up at him in surprise.

“Aren’t you going with her?” he asked.

“I will in a minute. I have something to tell you.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Yeah. But first I just wanted to say how sorry I am Luke... for your loss.”

Luke smiled and nodded. “Thanks Kevin. I know you understand.”

“Yes.” 

They sat and watched Mia playing dolls with another little girl nearby.

“She’s so happy, Luke. You guys have done wonders for her.”

Luke smiled. “Yes, she is. Oh, did Jasmine tell you she’s back in the water?”

Kevin nodded. “Again all thanks to you and Noah. I have a lot to thank you guys for.”

Luke laughed. “I gotta tell you Kevin, it’s me that should thank you. She’s a joy! We love having her.”

Kevin sighed then and Luke frowned at his worried expression.

“What is it, Kev?”

“Luke, it’s kinda what I wanted to talk to you about. I would have told you sooner, but then this terrible thing happened to you and you didn’t come round for a few weeks.”

“Yes? Just tell me.”

“I didn’t want to tell Jasmine and have her relay the message. I wanted to tell you in person. I owe you that.”

“Kevin, you’re making me nervous. What are you saying?”

Kevin took a deep breath. “I’m _so_ sorry Luke, I know this is _really_ bad timing… but… I’ve been granted early release.” 


	20. Chapter 20

Noah sat on the very edge of the bed in just his shorts. He had been sitting there for at least 30 minutes, hands by his sides, clenching his fists; staring at nothing in particular. It was chilly, but he couldn't move just then.

“ _Noah, I don’t know how to tell you this_ …”

He could hear Luke and the kids laughing and playing at the other side of the house.

Seven hours. 

“ _Kevin was granted parole_ …”

In just seven hours, Kevin Howard would arrive to take back his daughter… their daughter. 

Small and painful puffs of air kept escaping his lips; the fissures he tried so hard to close, broke open further still. He was finding it more and more difficult to hold them off.

“ _I know it’s sooner than we expected…_ ”

It didn’t help that Luke kept pushing him to talk. He couldn’t talk! Why couldn't Luke understand that? If he spoke, there was no telling the level of violent darkness that could erupt; could destroy them all. Josh’s death had started this in him, but it had become about so much more…

Tension and terror gripped him as he squeezed the bridge of his nose between his hands. His head throbbed. 

“ _She was never going to live with us forever. We always knew that._ ”

A framed photograph of their wedding day caught his eye. Luke recently placed a number of these prints in various locations around the house. This one sat in a silver frame beside their bed. In it, Nicholas and Mia smiled broadly in their arms; eyes sparkling. 

The perfect family.

An intense feeling of anger gripped him then and he swung his hand at the photo frame. It hurtled across the room, landing silently on the carpet.

A loud moan threatened to escape his lips but he breathed rapidly to soften it. He couldn’t risk Luke hearing him. If Luke came into the bedroom now, Noah would break. He knew that for certain. 

That thought facilitated the urgent need to quickly retreat. He rushed for the bathroom, locking the door; turned on the shower until it was steaming hot. 

Undressing, he stepped inside; stood directly under the red hot spray; pressed both his hands to the wall and ducked down his head. He used the sound of the water to muffle his cries; forceful spray hitting the nape of his neck and pouring down his hunched shoulders.

“ _It doesn’t matter where Mia goes_ ,” Luke had said, “ _as_ _long as she’s happy and taken care of._ ”

Noah fought. He used ever technique he’d ever gleaned to please his father; traits Luke always worked so hard to knock out of him. But he had to find a way to stay focused. 

“ _We both know the best place for her is with her father._ ”

It was only when his skin began to ripple that he turned off the tap.

As he stepped out the shower his feet became entangled in Luke’s wet towel, almost tripping him over. As usual, the blonde had simply left it lying on the floor instead of placing it in the hamper or hooking it up.

Other things caught his eye; how Luke left the cap off the tube of toothpaste; how bottles of hair products were left on the sink; how strands of Luke’s hair clogged the drain. 

All these things were normal. But today they grated on Noah in a way he could barely understand. 

The bedroom was no better. 

Luke’s notes lay in crumpled balls all over the floor by the bed, where he’d thrown them the night before during a brainstorming session. A cold, half drunk mug of coffee sat on the bedside table; leaving rings in the wood. Clothing Luke had decided not to wear, was tossed carelessly onto the unmade bed and left there. 

Noah flung open the closet and quickly picked out an outfit. Dressed, he stormed into the living room to confront Luke. But, on the way, he promptly tripped over one of Nicholas’s roller-skates. 

Luke and the kids were using the coffee table to create cards with glitter glue, spilling the sticky substance everywhere. They all looked up as Noah stumbled, just managing to keep himself from toppling over by grabbing the top of an armchair. 

“You okay?” a light-hearted Luke asked from his position on the couch.

Noah ignored him, too focused on noticing every detail of how disorganized the house was. 

_Is it always like this?_

Toys and colored pencils littered the floor and surfaces. Used cups and plates were left on the dinner table; Noah was sure they’d been there for days. Muddy shoes were piled haphazardly next to the door. 

“Honestly, Luke,” he seethed, “I know things have been hard lately, but do we have to live in a dump?”

“What?” Luke asked, confused by Noah’s sudden and unexpected anger. 

“What?” Noah mimicked. “There is shit _everywhere_ , Luke! Are you blind? I can barely fucking move around here!” 

“Noah…” Luke slowly began to get up, worry etched on his brow. 

Noah never swore around the children, but at that moment he didn’t even care; couldn't stop if he tried. Ignoring Luke, Noah began to clear the dirty dishes from the table, storming into the kitchen and slamming them into the sink; paying no heed to how they smashed into broken shards as he did so.

“Noah, take it easy,” Luke was by his side in seconds; trying to grab hold of him.

“It’s really simple, Luke,” Noah yelled, shaking himself loose from Luke’s hold, bearing him over by the sheer unexpectedness and ferocity of movement, “all you have to do it pick it up and put it in the fucking sink!” 

As a stunned Luke quickly hopped out of his way, Noah completed another trip to the kitchen, deliberately making as much noise as possible. 

Mia began to cry; scared by Noah’s strange behavior. Nicholas took off to stand outside on the decking, staring back at them with wide eyes and hands covering his ears. 

“Noah," Luke's voice was shaking, but it remained calm; the same voice he used to tame the horses on the farm, "you need to stop…” 

“Don't fucking tell me what I need, Luke! I'm sick of it! What I need, what would be great, is for some fucking help around here!”

“God, Noah, would you just stop?”

“Stop what exactly?”

“Stop pretending that what’s happening to you now has anything to do with how clean the fucking house is.”

They glared at each other for what seemed like ages.

“Josh died, Noah.”

“I know that. What's that got to do with anything?”

“Everything.”

“Look, Luke, would you stop bringing Josh up all the time? I don’t know what you want from me…”

“What I want is to see you collapsed into a sniveling ball on the floor.”

Luke’s callous words hit Noah deeply. 

“What I want,” Luke continued, patience flying out the window, “is to see you cry like a god damn fucking human being, for once!”

What followed was a scream of suppressed emotion that hurtled from Noah’s body; found its release in one sweep of his arm along the tabletop. With no thought, he let the momentum of his anger carry him. Mugs, plates and cutlery smashed to the floor.

He heard his own voice roaring outrage, cringed at it, but couldn’t stop. The monster was free to do as it pleased. 

A terrified Mia screamed even louder, intensifying the extreme stress that coursed through his veins. Instead of placating him, her screams incensed him even more; the anger and frustration aimed mostly at himself; for being too weak to hold this back; being too weak to protect them from it Being too much like his father. 

Noah reached for a chair, swung it high in the air and brought it down with savage force upon the table. He lifted the shattered remains to repeat the action when…

“NOAH!” at Holden’s authoritative voice, Noah staggered; retching, drawing in an audible breath of air; drowning. He dropped the chair and fell backward into the wall, using it to prop himself up.

For a long moment the room hung suspended in shocked silence; all except for Mia’s whimpering.

Ugly sounds escaped his lips. He had no idea what was happening to him. He felt completely out of control, stripped of his usual self-possession. 

“Noah?” tears seeped from Luke’s startled eyes; wrapping Noah in guilt so intense he almost threw up.

“Luke, take the kids outside.” Holden had just arrived back from a trip to the store and was standing in the front doorway.

“But Dad, I…”

“Luke,” Holden’s voice was firm as he repeated, “take the kids outside.”

Luke looked between Noah and his father and relented. He lifted the crying Mia into his arms, gathering her to him, rocking her back and forth and softly muttering her name; left to join Nicholas on the decking outside. 

Luke turned; frightened eyes caught Noah’s gaze; dug at Noah’s remorseful heart. Luke slid the sliding door closed and took the kids to the very far end of the yard. 

“I can’t… I can’t…” Noah muttered, shaking his head as he fought the sudden weakness that invaded his muscles; turning them to water. A blanket of shame fell over him. 

How could he allow Holden to witness him act in such an appalling way. 

“What’s going on, son?” as he spoke, Holden closed the front door; approached his wrecked son-in-law.

Noah immediately straightened, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, fighting to collect himself. 

“I’m sick of living like this!” Noah exclaimed, desperately trying to shelve those feelings back where they belonged; deny them; hide them. “He never cleans up after himself. I constantly have to run around behind him…”

Holden shook his head at Noah. “Why don't you tell me what’s really going on?” 

Noah’s breath shuddered. “That is what’s going on.”

“No it’s not.”

“It is!”

“Come on, kid. Luke is outside and anything you’re afraid might hurt him, can’t hurt me, okay?”

Noah’s legs shook; Holden leaped to his side, one hand squeezing his shoulder and guiding him over to sit on the couch together.

“Aren’t you tired?” the older man asked. “Don’t you feel the need to talk?”

“I found him in the bedroom, you know?” Just like that Noah did speak, surprising himself.

“I know. Luke told me.”

“He looked like he was sleeping.”

Holden nodded. 

“I tried to protect Luke from having to see him that way, but you know how Luke…” Suddenly Noah couldn’t stop talking, nor could he stop crying He went on and on, about Josh, about Luke, about himself, expressing a deep sense of loss and failure.

He wondered how Holden was so calm. How he was able to simply sit there and tolerate such a disgusting display of pure weakness. But Noah was, all at once, totally powerless to stop, even though he knew he was behaving like a complete madman. 

“When he get’s an idea in his head nobody can stop him,” he told Holden, “not even me! And he ploughs into danger… it’s almost like he looks for it on purpose.”

Noah got up off the couch, feeling a cold chill on his shoulder where Holden’s comforting hand had just been. But he had to get up. He had to move.

“I love him. God, I love him. You know I do. Most days I’m ecstatically happy. But then the rest of the time he makes me so… so…” Noah paced back and forth; throwing up his arms and sprouting words into the air, spraying spit and tears everywhere. “…I’m terrified of him…” Then he returned to the couch, arms wrapped around his knees, while still more words and more tears flooded out. The dam wall well had truly bust wide open. “…I can’t lose them…”

Then up and down again, over and over, walking a path into the carpet and indenting the couch; his senses in chaos.

The past came up too. His father, his mother, Luke injured, blindness, Luke leaving him and loving another; a cold and lonely year spent in L.A. without anything but his own troubled mind. 

“Do you have any idea what last year was like for me?” he stressed through tears. 

And back to Josh; that beautiful kid lost to them forever. Until, eventually, he reached the larger of his fears – that one by one the bricks of their incredible new life were crumbling around him and he was incapable of stopping it.

“No matter what I do! First Josh and now Mia?”

_Will Nicky be next?_

Until finally it was their relationship, their love for each other to go – destroyed forever...

“How do I stop it?” Noah asked, pleading with his eyes for answers. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“No,” Holden said for the first time since Noah started his tirade, "it doesn't. It most likely never will.”

Noah stood there holding Holden’s gaze.

“Sometimes life really doesn’t make sense, Noah.”

Noah slumped. “It’s not fair, when we’ve had to fight so hard.”

“No, it’s not. But that’s just how it is. Until you can truly accept that you can’t direct how things will turn out, how people will act in any given situation, then you’ll never really be settled, son. Not in the way I know you want to be. You have to learn to let go of the control…”

“How can I even think to risk that? I could lose them if I do… I can’t…I need Luke… I need…I need...” A perplexed and lost Noah looked desperately around the room.

“Sit down,” Holden patted the space beside him, “sit and I’ll tell you what you need.”

Noah sat as hope filled him. Did Holden hold all the answers?

“You need a Dad’s hug.”

Before Noah knew it, Holden was pulling him into his arms, holding him there. He'd never been fully hugged by another man before. Besides Luke, of course. At first his reaction was to stiffen up; solid as a board; a voice telling him this wasn't right. It wasn't want men did. But the small boy inside of him wanted to cling desperately to the genuine warmth; felt the kindness; the love. It was a father's love and it was real; for the first time in Noah's life. 

“If you continue as you are,” Holden told him, “as you’ve done for all of your life… holding everything in; you’ll end up a mental hospital. It isn’t normal, Noah. It isn’t human to keep it all penned up like you do. No matter what your father taught you.”

“Please…” Noah could feel his seams coming apart. He tried to pull out of the embrace, even as he wanted to fall forever into it. “Holden…” 

“Don’t fight it, son… just let it all go.” Holden continued to grip hold of a squirming Noah. 

“Holden…” The final remaining lock on that internal iron box clicked and the lid flung open.

Noah snapped; all fear and fury. The emotions escaped; flowing from him in waves; the feelings pushing up to the surface, demanding to be heard. 

And heard they were.

Noah released a series of surging wails into Holden’s shirt, shoulders shaking as he cried; his stomach muscles knotted. The dangerous blackness he held inside felt suddenly controlled within the solid comfort of Holden's chest. He felt freed to release it all. He felt safe; knew Holden was strong enough to absorb it; knew Holden would keep him from spiraling out of control. 

He didn’t see how his cries brought Luke to the other side of the glass door, or how Holden held up a hand to keep Luke back. 

“It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let it out,” Holden squeezed at Noah’s upper arm; all the while watching his son over the back of Noah’s shoulder, “and when you do, we’ll be here to catch you. Always. That’s what family is all about. When will you understand that you don't have to do things all by yourself anymore, kid? Even if you feel you can’t talk to Luke, you have a whole army of people ready to love and to help you. It’s not weak to ask for help. We won’t think less of you for it.”

There was no going back now. There was simply no stopping it. Noah could barely breathe through the sobs and howls that escaped him.

“But you should trust in Luke," Holden continued, "you won’t hurt him by letting go, okay? I promise you that. In relationships you share the pain and by doing so lessen it.”

For minutes Holden held him there; but at some point, seamlessly, father and son exchanged places. It was magically Luke’s body, his smell and his warmth that soaked through to Noah’s soul now; Luke’s fingers that smoothed the back of his head.

“I’m sorry,” he gasped, “I’m so sorry.”

Luke didn’t speak; he didn’t try to pacify Noah. He simply held him, letting every last ounce of pent-up pain find its escape from his husband’s wracked body.

Nobody ever questioned it, but from that day onward, without prompting, Noah began to refer to Holden as Dad. 

***

“Better?”

Noah turned from the bedroom dresser and smiled at how Luke had his head cocked to one side; a beautiful, dimpled grin settling on his lips.

“I love you, Luke. You’re not just my husband, you’re my best friend. You know me better than anybody in the world.”

“I do,” Luke replied, approaching him until he was close enough to rub his hands up and down Noah’s arms. 

“You proved it these past few weeks. I’m sorry. I was just so scared I’d hurt you.”

Luke shook this head and began to speak but Noah interrupted him.

“I let all the fears clog my mind again and… you were so patient.”

“I know,” Luke joked, lightening the mood, “I don’t know what happened.”

They both laughed until the front doorbell rang. The smiles on both their faces faded as they locked eyes. 

“You ready?” Luke asked.

“No.”

“Noah, she belongs with…”

“Oh, I know that Luke! I’m _so_ happy for her. For both of them. I want this for her. It just… it doesn’t make it any easier.”

Luke nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

“We need to make sure she’s not afraid of the change.”

“Yes, but that’s why Kevin plans to stick around in L.A. We can see her whenever we want.”

Holden appeared at the bedroom door. “Luke, Noah, you want me to get that?”

“No Dad, we got it.”

They continued to stare at each other for a moment; left hand in hand to open the front door together. But to their shock it wasn’t Kevin Howard who stood waiting outside on their doorstep.

It was Michelle Harris.

***

**Milestone: This is the 100'th chapter of the LA Series I first began writing it in September 2010 and this chapter was originally posted/completed July 2011.**


	21. Chapter 21

After everything they’d been through that morning and everything they still had to face that day, finding Michelle ‘fucking’ Harris on their doorstep was the last thing they needed.

Noah’s fingers pressed painfully into the top of Luke’s hand; the man’s entire body tensed with fright. He flung around, blue eyes madly searching the room behind them.

“Hey,” Luke softly called to him, tugging his hand to bring him back around, “hey,” as soon as he had Noah facing him, Luke released his hold to bring both his palms up to Noah's pale cheeks. He worked at getting Noah to focus in on him, rather than fly off in an unnecessary panic, “it’s okay. Look at me, Noah.”

The anxious sapphires met Luke’s eyes. For a while they held each other’s gaze, thoughts and feelings shifting back and forth between them. 

_Where’s Nicky?_

_Why is she here?_

_What does she want?_

“He’s out in the yard,” Luke told him; instantly felt some of the tension dissipate from Noah’s tall frame, “it’s okay.”

Luke nodded at Noah in reassurance; only when Noah nodded back did he remove his hands from Noah’s cheeks. 

Needing to maintain contact, both for Noah’s sake as well as his own, Luke took hold of his hand once more. 

Relieved to hear that Nicholas was safely out of the way, Noah moved through the door with such speed, the woman on the doorstep had to take a step backward. Luke stumbled as he was pulled along behind him.

“Dammit, Michelle,” Noah seethed, “what are you doing here? You can’t just show up here like this! What if Nicky saw you?”

Luke tried to put on a brave face, but he knew Noah’s stomach must be churning just the same as his. It wasn’t so much that Michelle was standing on their doorstep; it was that she looked good. In fact, she looked so good, that it had taken Luke a moment to recognize her when they first opened the door. 

Gone was the too tight mini skirt and faded, stained shirt in favor of a classic red and green floral summer dress. No longer the stick thin instinct-like person she had been; Michelle had put on a healthy amount of weight. Instead of hollowed cheeks and shadowed eyes, her face was full and rosy; her eyes sparking sea blue. Those Mayer good looks, the silky black hair contrasting starkly with smooth skin and red lips, shone from her now. 

Luke felt his skin crawl with guilt at how he internally cursed Michelle’s obvious turnaround. She made him feel insecure and exposed. 

The judge had given Noah temporary guardianship of Nicholas based on the drug addiction that made Michelle incapable of properly caring of her son. With that obstacle removed, what chance would they have to keep the child if Michelle decided she wanted him back? 

“Hello,” she said now. Even her voice was different; kinder, sincere. “I didn’t come to cause no trouble, 'kay?”

“Why did you come?” Luke asked. 

“I…” she ducked her head, timid under Noah’s intense glare, “I wanna see ‘im.”

“No chance!” Noah’s reply was quick and definite.

The three of them stood in silence for a minute while Michelle processed this. “Could ya at least hear me out before you decide?”

“No."

She sighed. “I’m not the person I was… And that’s down to you… You gave me a chance. And you know 'bout me… you get the clinic reports, right? I’m doing real well at school and I’m clean now. I gotta job and I moved out of Branson. I left that life behind.”

“Yes,” Noah replied, “I know. And that’s great… really it is... But it doesn’t change the past, Michelle. It doesn’t change what you put that baby through, and I’ll be damned if I let you within one yard of him.”

To Luke’s surprise her blue eyes began to tear over; her pained and regretful expression so much like her nephew’s… like her son’s… that Luke had to suppress a strong urge to step forward and comfort her. 

“Do ya know what it's like,” she asked, “that first time, when the shit cleared from my head? When I got what…” her voice cracked. “I know what I did, 'kay? I didn’t know then because the drug had me, but I know now.”

Luke sighed and Noah watched him as he asked, “What do you want?”

“I told ya! I just wanna see ‘im one time. I just wanna see my baby one time when I’m not all doped up! It’s not much to ask, is it?”

Luke watched Noah’s expression and saw the conflict there. It was the same conflict Luke felt at that moment. Just how long did it take for an addict to turn into the monster this woman had once been? Would the same thing have happened to Josh, if they hadn’t taken him in that night? If they hadn't found a way to forgive him for what happened with the children? Josh tried really hard to turn his life around? They both witnessed him struggle until the pressure became too much and eventually killed him. 

Wasn’t Michelle just another Josh? Another Reg Addington? Didn’t Michelle deserve the same understanding? Hadn’t she earned at least some level of forgiveness?

“Even if we could let you see him, Michelle, the boy’s terrified of you.” As he spoke Noah began to shiver. The trembles traveled up Luke’s arm, prompting him to squeeze at Noah’s fingers. 

“’e doesn’t have to know I’m ‘ere.” 

“What?” Luke asked.

“Like I says… I just wanna see ‘im. Through the window even, like before when I was ‘ere…”

Noah’s hand left Luke’s so that he could rub his temples with each of his palms. A vein pulsed with the built up tension still residing there. Luke ached for him. He knew that Noah had come a long way that morning, but that old habits die hard; a part of Noah would always fight to remain controlled. 

“’e doesn’t ‘ave to know I’m ‘ere…” Her nervous voice was so incredibly hopeful, a mother’s voice. 

Noah turned his head to Luke, “How do you feel about it?”

Luke blinked a few times. What he felt was the need to pull Noah inside and shut the door in the woman’s face, but instead he stepped back into the house where Holden stood watching them from the middle of the room.

His father’s temperate strength was of immense comfort and Luke sent up another silent prayer of thanks for the man’s amazing foresight. Holden knew he would be needed, but Luke guessed he couldn’t have known how much. 

“Dad, could you go outside and make sure the kids stay there, please?”

“Sure.” 

He waited until Holden closed the glass sliding door, before pulling the front door open all the way in invitation to Michelle. But Noah continued to stand in her way. Luke could feel every drop of his apprehension.

“Bubby?”

Noah looked back at him and Luke almost broke at the fear he read there. 

“It will be okay.”

Noah thickly swallowed as he looked back to Michelle. He stood there a moment longer and finally stepping aside. But before she could pass, he shot an arm out to block her way. “You make one wrong move and I’m throwing you out. Understood?”

She sadly nodded at him; he removed his arm to allow her entry. 

***

Noah stayed close on Michelle’s heals as she followed Luke to the kitchen. His senses were on high alert. 

What would they do? What would they do if she was here to claim back her son?

What would they do if they lost Nicholas too?

There were no words to describe the snake-like dread that was slowly coiling its way around his heart. This was exactly what he’d been talking to Holden about just that very morning. This was that terrible, mind-crunching feeling that things were falling apart around him; that he was quickly losing this life he needed so badly. 

Michelle audibly gasped as she approached the window, and caught her first glimpse of Nicholas. 

Holden, Mia and Nicholas were readying themselves to race down the length of the yard. Little Nicholas looked to Holden on his left and then to Mia on his right. Satisfied that they were all ready he yelled, “Marks, set…” Holden took off running, already halfway down the yard when Nicholas yelled at him, “No, Grandad!” 

His small hands rested on his hips. 

“What?” Holden asked innocently.

“Not yet,” Nicholas proclaimed, “you have to wait for go, silly!”

“Oh,” Holden laughed, “I didn’t know! I’m sorry, let’s try this again.”

Holden made his way back toward the kids, briefly catching Noah’s eyes through the kitchen window and smiling his reassurance. 

As Noah forced himself to look away from the scene, he was just in time to see two teardrops fall down his aunt’s cheek. 

“He’s so beautiful,” she whispered. Noah wasn’t sure whether she was talking more to them or to herself. “How did I never see how beautiful he is?”

Just as Noah’s breath hitched, he felt Luke’s warm hand run down his back to rest in the hollow above his jeans. It was only then that Noah realized he too was crying. He used the back of his hand to rub his eyes dry.

“He’s really smart,” Noah told her, “he loves books. He loves to be read too. And he’s an amazing artist. He draws and makes things all the time.” Noah’s voice broke periodically and he had to pause for a moment. “He… um… he…”

“…he sees things or, rather he notices things nobody else does,” Luke continued. “He sees the world differently we think.” 

She nodded and smiled gratefully at them both. 

“We…” Noah tried but was again forestalled by a rush of intense emotion. “We love him.”

“I know that,” she said, “that’s why… um… Noah I… I’m sorry about…”

Noah’s heart already plummeted at “I’m sorry” but before she could continue her sentence the doorbell rang.

“Kevin,” Luke starkly announced, freezing them both for an instant. 

Michelle’s appearance had, for a small while, distracted them from the main event of the day. Both men turned their head to watch little Mia trying to keep up with Nicholas as they sped once more down the yard. 

“Oh,” Noah breathed.

“What’s going on?” A confused Michelle watched the little girl playing outside with her son.

“Michelle, we need you to wait in here,” Luke told her. “Please don’t come out. He… Nicky… it would really scare him, okay? We need you to understand that.”

“I know,” she nodded.

By now Noah was leaning on the counter.

“Come on, Bubby,” Luke gently told him, one hand coming to rest on his shoulder blade. “It’s a good thing, remember?”

Noah nodded, but before he moved he turned on the kitchen tap and doused his face with water.

The impatient doorbell chimed again and Noah turned to follow Luke from the kitchen, making sure to close the door behind them. 

***

Kevin stuck the large stuffed elephant under his arm, so that he would wipe both his sweaty palms down his jeans. He’d never felt more nervous in his life, not even on his wedding day. 

“You can do this,” he told himself.

Taking a moment to steady himself; he pressed the doorbell to Luke and Noah’s modest L.A. home. There was no answer at first; he moved over to the window, blocking the light with his hands to peer inside. The living room was empty. 

Feeling a small stroke of apprehension, he returned to the front door and pressed the bell again, feeling sure that they would be home. Luke knew he was coming. 

He was right, the door opened. His insides twisted at the looks on both Luke and Noah’s faces. This was truly a difficult situation for them and he felt guilt for causing them pain after all they had done for Mia. 

Despite his fears Luke smiled warming at the sight of his friend and drew Kevin into a friendly embrace, patting his back. “Welcome jailbird! You look great!”

“Hi, Luke,” Kevin smiled when Luke released him. He turned to shake Noah’s hand, “Hi, Noah.”

“Hi, Kevin. Welcome. Come on in.”

Kevin walked into the house after them, taking a moment to notice the various photo frames that adorned the surfaces; many of the pictures featuring Mia. She smiled that sunshine smile of hers, looking every bit as happy as Kevin knew she was under Luke and Noah’s care.

In one of the pictures, Mia sat on the shoulders of an older boy, while Nicholas held the boy’s hand. Kevin lifted this frame in his hands and softly smiled at the picture in it.

“This is Josh?” he asked and both men nodded. 

Kevin replaced the frame almost reverently in its place on the shelf.

“Your house is really nice. It’s exactly what I expected of you guys; simple and comfortable.”

A childish giggle erupted from the yard and Kevin couldn’t help but turn his head that way. He walked forward until he could watch the children through the glass door. They were playing with an older man in the yard. Mia and Nicholas were building a sandcastle in the sandpit. Nicholas kindly handed her the colored shells to decorate the sandy sides. The close connection between his daughter and this other child was instantly obvious.

He looked back at the two men standing apprehensively by the front door. On the floor by their feet was a small pink suitcase with white flowers; Mia’s belongings; all packed and ready for her to leave with her father. 

“May I?” he asked them, gesturing at the sliding door.

He couldn’t miss how Noah briefly closed his eyes and bit his lower lip before he nodded.

“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” Mia excitedly yelped as her father appeared on the deck. 

“Hey, Sunshine!” Kevin laughed, his heart warming with love.

He scrunched down to catch her as she ran up the wooden steps to meet him; kissed her on both her cheeks. Holding her hand he stood to greet the older man in the yard.

“Hello, I’m Kevin.”

“Pleased to meet you, Kevin,” the man had kind eyes. “I’m Holden, Luke’s father.”

“Oh, right,” Kevin smiled, “it’s a pleasure to meet the man who raised such an amazing person. I can’t tell you what Luke’s support has meant to me.”

“I’ve read his story so I have some idea,” Holden replied. “I have to tell you that you are one lucky guy. This little one is a pure angel if ever I’ve come across one!”

“Thank you, I know.” 

Kevin smiled down at an impatient Mia; who during this adult conversation had been pulling on his hand for attention repeating, “Daddy, Daddy… come… come… Daddy… come see…”

She was so excited both men laughed, and Kevin followed her. She dragged him by the hand back into the house, following Nicholas who marched ahead of them. 

“Look,” Mia announced to Luke and Noah when she caught sight of them. They still hadn’t found the strength to leave their position by the front door. Noah’s arms were wrapped around Luke and Luke rested his head back against Noah’s shoulder. “Look! It’s Daddy.”

Barely hiding the raw emotion grasping hold of them, both men smiled at her as the small procession passed.

Kevin found himself led by the hand down the hallway and into one of the three bedrooms. 

“Look-it, Daddy!” she announced, sweeping her hand at the room before jumping on the bed.”

Kevin swept his eyes around the children’s bedroom; observing on one side the boyish toys belonging to Nicholas, and on the other all the pink and floral decor any little girl would adore.

“This is your room?” he asked, as Nicholas jumped up to join his daughter on her bed.

Mia brightly nodded. “Ah ha! This is my bed! See… pretty flowers and but-flies.” 

She pressed her forefinger down on the tiny prints adorning the material on her bed.

“I see.”

“And that’s Nicky’s bed.” 

“That’s really cool,” he told the boy, who shyly ducked behind Mia.

She hopped off the bed; showed him a large dolls house set up in one corner. 

“This is my house,” she said, opening the side and revealing the miniature rooms and dolls inside, “and this is where my dresses are…” she pointed at the closet. 

“That’s amazing, baby,” he told her, a large lump forming in his throat as she confirmed all that he had been feeling the previous night and during the trip over. 

He turned from his daughter to find Nicholas pointing at him, or rather, pointing at the toy he still held under his arm.

“Oh,” he remembered, “I brought this for you, Mia.”

He handed her the large elephant and Nicholas jumped off the bed to examine it with her.

“WOW!” she exclaimed and hopped back and forth on her feet with excitement. 

“And I have something for you too, Nicky.” 

He reached into his pocket and withdrawing the micro-truck he’d purchased from the gas station on the way over.

The boy was tentative.

“It’s okay,” he assured him. “It’s for you.”

Nicholas smiled and took the car. “Thank you.” 

The boy looked so much like Noah. He wondered whether Nicholas was Noah’s real son and filed the question away to ask Luke at a later date. 

Both children laughed and ran out of the room yelling, “Luke! Noah! Look! Look!”

He arrived to find the kids showing their new toys to the two men by the door. Luke’s father stood to one side, out of the way of the events as they were unfolding. 

“Okay… well… we have a bus to catch, baby. We’ll have to go in a few minutes,” Kevin announced. “It’s time to say goodbye.”

Her face changed then, a deep frown of confusion. “Luke and Noah coming?”

Kevin shook his head. “No Baby, just you and me.”

“And Nicky?”

“No, baby.”

Shaking visibly, Luke lowered to her height and held both her arms. 

Her tiny face crinkled with worry.

“We spoke about this, remember Mia? We packed your suitcase so that Daddy could come and fetch you…”

“So we can live toge-ver again?”

“Yes.”

“So we all go toge-ver?”

Chocked with emotion, Noah suddenly took off out the back door; stood on the decking with his back to them. Luke watched him sadly, holding back tears. Holden left to put an arm around his son-in-law. Kevin watched as Holden told Noah something and Noah nodded, arms crossed tightly in front of him.

“You and your Dad are going to leave together, sweetheart,” Luke continued.

“When’s Mia coming back?” Nicholas asked from beside her. 

Noah spoke this time as he and Holden returned to the room, “Nicky, Mia will only come back…”

“…on Monday.” Kevin finished.

Noah turned slowly to him, eyes wide.

Kevin approached his daughter and crouched just as Luke was doing. He eyed his tortured friend for a minute and then turned to Mia. “You and me are going to spend a lovely weekend together, and then I’ll bring you _home_ in a few days.”

There was an emphasis on the word ‘home’ that actually caused Noah to release a slight squeak. Luke’s lower lip dropped open and trembled as he struggled to breathe.

“That’s if those arrangements suit you guys?” Kevin asked him, holding a steady and sure gaze. 

Luke slowly stood at the same time as Kevin lifted Mia in his arms. 

“I was up all night thinking about it. And seeing her here today...” Kevin stopped; took a deep breath, looking at his daughter and stroking a strand of hair from her face. “She has a home here... a family. She’s really happy and I can’t upset that, at least not yet. Not until I have some place stable for her. I need so much. I mean my mom left me some money, but it’s not much. I don’t even have a job or anywhere permanent to live yet.”

Noah dropped heavily onto a dining chair, staring at Kevin as though he were afraid to believe what he was hearing. “Are you saying…” he asked.

Kevin nodded. “I’m asking… I need to do what’s best for her, not what I wish could be. Will you guys keep her here… with you?”

Both men were left speechless.

“I think we can safely say it’s a yes.” Holden told Kevin.

Luke held out his arms and Mia fell immediately into them. He hugged her close and took her over to where Noah sat. Noah stood on shaky legs, stared at the two of them for a moment and then enfolding them both, burying his face into Luke’s neck; broad shoulders slumping in relief. 

With wet eyes Noah pulled back and kissed the side of Mia’s face.

“Bye, baby,” and then he laughed, “have fun with Daddy and we’ll see you soon.”

She grinned at him and blew him a kiss, something she had recently learned from Luke.

Both Luke and Noah laughed wetly; Luke hugged her, swaying slightly, before returning her to Kevin.

“Thank you,” he managed to whisper. 

Tearing up himself, Kevin took back his daughter, picked up her case and said, “Say goodbye to Nicky, Mia.”

“Bye, Nicky!” Mia smiled, still clinging to the stuffed elephant.

“Bye, Mia,” Nicholas waved.

Luke opened the front door and Kevin walked through it, stopping once to say goodbye to Holden.

“Goodbye, Kevin. Enjoy your weekend.”

The door closed and Luke slumped up against it, falling to the floor in a puddle of tears.

“Why you crying, Luke?” a worried Nicholas asked, holding his new toy car with both hands. 

Noah moved quickly across the room to join Luke on the floor and they hugged tightly.

“Did that just happen?” Noah asked.

“I think so,” Luke replied, laughing through relieved tears.

“Why are you crying?” Nicholas asked again.

They broke apart; smiled at the little boy who stood before them. “Because we love you and Mia so much, Nicky," Noah told him, "do you know that?”

“Yeah silly!” he laughed and dived at them, hugging one arm around each of them as Luke ruffled his hair. 

“Um, guys?” Holden asked. “What about your other visitor?”

As they hugged Nicholas to them, the eyes of both Luke and Noah fell on the closed kitchen door. 


	22. Chapter 22

Noah found Michelle sitting at the breakfast bar. In one shaky hand she held a lit cigarette, smoke wafting lazily toward the ceiling, while the other hand smoothed a crumpled stack of stapled pages resting on the table top. It was clear the papers, whatever they were, had once have been folded into four.

For want of an ashtray, she used one of the clean plates taken from beside the sink.

Noah closed the door behind him. “We don’t smoke in this house.”

“Sorry,” she quickly stubbed it out on the plate. “Managed to quit everythin’ but the smoking. It’s worse when I gets nervous.”

Noah nodded. It was obvious Michelle was just as ill at ease as he was.

“Can I ask you somethin’?

“Depends.”

“Will ya tell me how Win died?”

Expecting a question about Nicholas, Noah was completely thrown. He didn’t want to go over that terrible moment in his life, but she was looking at him so expectantly.

He sighed. “Do you drink coffee?”

“Don’t everyone?”

Noah walked across the room and opened one of the top cupboards, extracting a fresh filter; spending a moment choosing which blend of coffee he wanted. He had bags of Java’s best. He and Luke would always pick some up whenever they visited Oakdale. 

Java’s fine blends were something he really missed when he first moved to L.A. Before Luke…

***

_When his cell rang all of a sudden, it seemed louder to Noah than it actually was._ _He was in the middle of drying his hands after washing the dinner dishes; the sound of the phone made him nervously drop the towel to the floor._

_The display read ‘Number Withheld’ but he felt a familiar pull; his hand shuddered as he lifted the phone from the kitchen counter; pressed to answer, "_ _Luke?”_

_For a moment there was no reply, just the sound of breathing on the other end of the line._

_Then, “Hey…”_

_One word - just one tiny word of greeting to make Noah’s heart do a back-flip. One week, two days, seven hours and ten minutes since he’d forced himself to turn around and leave a heartbroken Luke standing alone in the WOAK office; since he’d last heard that voice…_

_“Hi,” Noah replied._

_“This is a new phone. How did you know it was me?”_

_Noah heard the sad smile in his voice; could clearly picture that particular look on his face. "_ _The way I always know…”_

_He heard Luke shuffling around; heard him clear his throat._ _“So… um… you all settled?”_

**_Settled? No, I’m not settled! I miss you! Don't you miss me?_ **

_“Kind of.”_

_“Thought I’d call to check you got my parcel?”_

_“What?”_ _Noah remembered something he’d forgotten about. He turned to eye the mysterious box that arrived early that morning._ _Lately nothing much caught his attention; he’d merely dismissed the parcel, abandoning it on the kitchen table with the rest of the mail._

_“Oh," he said now; approaching it, “this is from you?”_

_He heard Luke chuckle, felt something rattle in his chest._ _“Well… I can’t see through the phone bub-” Luke’s voice cut off instantly in a quick withdrawal of breath. There was a shocked silence, before Luke said, “…I mean, Noah. Sorry… old habit.”_

_Noah gripped the phone to his ear. It wasn’t just the slip, it was also the way Luke said his name._

_“That’s okay.”_

_“Well,” Luke continued, “tell me what's in that parcel and I’ll tell you if it’s the one I sent.”_

_“I don’t know what’s in it,” Noah told him, “I haven’t opened it yet. Hold on a second.”_

_Reluctantly he parted the phone from his ear; placed it down on the table so that he could use both hands to tear at the brown paper the box was wrapped in._ _Noah softly smiled and tittered when he opened the lid to view the contents. The box was filled to the brim with various bags of every blend of coffee Java had available._

_“Thank you. How did you know I was missing this stuff?” he asked Luke with amazement._

_“The way I always know…” Luke’s reply was quick, spilling from his lips as though he had no control over the words; the result of which was a lengthy and uncomfortable silence._

_“So,” Noah asked him, eventually working up the courage, “is that why you called…? The package?”_

_More silence from the other end of the call._

**_Please talk to me._ **

_“Luke? Are you wanting…?”_

_“I have to go. Enjoy the coffee… I’ll call again soon…”_ _The click as Luke hung up was a deafening answer to Noah’s unasked question._

***

Noah was temporarily distracted by the memory and stood smiling at the cupboard contents. Despite the distance between them that year, Luke had kept him fully stocked with a regular supply from Java.

“Noah?” Michelle asked, confused by his sudden inactivity and bringing him back to the present.

“This is a good one,” he told her, shaking himself out of it and extracting the Costa Rican blend, “not too strong and not too weak… with a nutty texture. Luke prefers the Brazilian, but I find that one a little too dark. The only reason he can handle it is because he insists on adding spoonfuls of instant hot chocolate.”

She smiled at him as he made nervous conversation. He almost dropped the bag. It was his father’s smile.

“You okay?”

He nodded and turned to prepare the coffee.

“So, you gonna tell me then?” she asked.

Noah continued with the coffee preparation, using the time to get his thoughts in order.

“He didn’t like it,” Noah told her, turning around and leaning back into the counter as he waited for the coffee to brew, “you were right about that.” 

“Didn’t like what?”

“Me and…” he nodded toward the door, “Luke…”

She snorted and nodded at the same time. “Didn’t stack up to his perfect moral code, right?”

Noah sadly shook his head.

“Could ‘ave been ‘cause of me, you know?”

“What could?” Noah asked.

“Could ‘ave been my lifestyle shocked ‘im… made ‘im less accepting?”

“I doubt it, Michelle. He was as he was. Nothing made him that way. I’m done with giving him excuses.”

She waited while he filled two mugs with coffee and handed one to her. 

“Mmm, delish!” she exclaimed after one sip. 

Noah leaned back up against the counter, ankle nervously tapping on the lower cupboard door. Watching her over the top of his mug, he took a large sip himself before briefly closed his eyes to the warming sensation. 

“So ‘e tried to stop it I take it?” She prompted, “He tried to stop your thing with Luke?”

Sighing once more, Noah left the counter to take up a stool beside her. Then slowly, starting from his first meeting with Luke, he laid out the series of events that led to his father’s final demise in the cabin east of Los Angeles. 

“Shit!” she exclaimed with sadness. “I always knew ‘e ‘ad a screw lose but… shit!”

They sat in a companionable quiet, finishing up their second mug of coffee each. It wasn’t until they heard Nicholas’s cheery giggle that the tension returned to the room. 

Michelle stood to approach the window and watched as Luke swung the child upside down, swinging him back up and chucking him high in the air before catching him again. 

Noah came up behind her. 

“You done real good with ‘im,” she said.

“We will have to fight you, Michelle.”

She frowned as she turned to him. “What?”

“Did you hear what went down just now?”

“With the girl?”

Noah nodded.

“Yeah, I ‘eard.”

“If that man turned around today and said he was taking his daughter back… I wouldn’t hesitate one minute in returning her to him. However much that would hurt. Because, although in here,” he held a hand to the area of his heart, “she’s our daughter… mine and Luke’s… we want what’s best for her. Even if that’s not us.”

She nodded at him.

“But that little boy out there? You hurt him, Michelle. In so many ways. You can’t have him back now. It’s too late. Too much damage has been done and he’s too young to understand the drug thing. Maybe one day, when he’s older, we can ask if he wants to meet you.” 

He turned to lock eyes with Luke as his husband opened the back door and come in from the yard, leaving Holden to occupy Nicholas outside with a ball. 

“That’s not why I came,” Michelle said, continuing their conversation despite Luke’s interruption.

She looked between Luke and Noah for a moment and then returned to fetch the sheets of paper she’d left atop the breakfast bar. Her eyes flit across the document; she approached them and took a deep breath, before handing the pages over to them.

“I ain’t cut out to be a mom,” she shrugged. “I weren’t then and I ain’t now…”

“What is this?” Luke asked, as he took the pages from Noah’s hands and scanned the front cover.

“I asked the lawyer at the clinic to help me. It’s a petition…”

“For what?” a cautious Noah asked.

“I’m signin’ ‘way my rights to the child. I’m askin’ the judge to give ‘im to you. Guess it will ‘ave to go to court still and everythin’ but…” 

Noah stepped forward, sure he was hearing wrong. “You’re giving me parental rights to Nicky?”

Her gaze fell once more on her son, this child she barely recognized anymore. 

“’e’s your son. Maybe ‘e always was… I never did anything right by ‘im… At least this is somethin’ worthwhile.” Without another word she grabbed her handbag from the counter, turned and left. 

They waited until they heard the front door close, before they released the shared breath they were holding. 

***

Sitting at the breakfast bar with a cup of coffee, Luke finished reading the legal document Michelle had signed. When he looked up, Noah was still standing by the sink, watching Holden and Nicky through the window. He hadn’t moved the whole time, neither had they spoken. 

Leaving the papers on the counter, Luke approached him from behind and hugged Noah into his body, pressing his forehead into the nape of Noah’s neck. 

Noah released a breath; stroked up and down Luke’s arms.

Luke followed Noah’s gaze just in time to catch his father mouth “ice-cream” at them, and indicate he was taken Nicholas for a walk.

As Noah nodded and Holden disappeared out the back gate with Nicholas, Luke placed a few light kisses on the back of Noah’s neck. He moved his lips slowly under Noah’s ear and pulled Noah round to face him; continued his course of kisses up the length of Noah’s jaw. His hands gripped at Noah's clothing, touched, stroked, brushed different parts of him. His fingers trailed through black hair; massaging the back of his neck; cupping his buttocks. As their lips met, Luke pressed his body closer, brushing tellingly against the quick swelling in Noah’s board shorts. 

Reading Luke’s thoughts like a book, Noah pushed forward tightly against Luke, deepening their kiss; groaning as Luke brought one hand down to smoothly squeeze his erection; hand encircling, teasing. The were driven by a desperate need for closeness; for that connection that was purely them. They stumbled and crawled and gasped, losing items of clothing, until Luke had Noah standing; buttocks pressed against the counter; naked with hair spiked up from Luke’s fondling. Handsome… Perfect… 

It hurt to swallow when Luke caught a look pass through Noah’s eyes; a dark intensity filled them; a shudder somewhere between fear and excitement. Luke saw the danger before he could prepare himself for it. In one quick swoop, he was roughly flung stomach first over the sink; heard Noah spit; felt Noah came at him with a quick, deep and possessive plunge; all of Noah’s bottled up fears and insecurities finding final release in this one act. 

Luke released a thunderous scream; looked for something to grip on to. One hand found the cool tap while the other balled into a first.

“Fuck!” he panted, grimacing and banging his fist on the counter top. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

A long, painful, beautiful moment of symbiotic connection past. He managed to breathe in only when Noah’s tight hold on him slacked slightly. The relief was short lived. Noah greedily prized Luke's legs further apart and delivered three more heavy and violent thrusts that burned deeply. Luke's entire body spasmed at the suddenness of pain; at the equally quick and gloriously intense grip of pleasure he didn't expect to accompany it. It was all too much. 

“Noah! Noah!”

Noah silenced Luke’s entire mouth with his hand, stilling full within him; pressing him down into the cold kitchen surface. “Sorry… Sorry...”

Luke bit down into Noah's knuckles, panting; Noah hissed sharply at the teeth. The brunette turned Luke's head back until their eyes were locking; Noah's dark brows and piercing blue eyes barely inches from his own. Luke could see the unfathomable depth of his feeling; his love, his fears, his anger, his loss, his desire, his relief… everything… 

Luke understood then - Noah needed this.

He cupped Noah’s cheek and kissed him reassuringly, finding his tongue for a moment; relaxing and dropping forward in submission; opening up to him. 

Reaching past Luke, Noah doused his palm with liquid hand-wash and used it to better lubricate between them. Finished, Noah’s hand reach down to stoke at him; the level of Luke’s desire reaching a fever pitch, just as Noah began to move once more.

But it wasn’t slow. 

Noah drove into Luke with a relentless force Luke had never known from him before. It was a powerful and unseen compulsion Noah needed an outlet for – needed Luke for. Noah's shoulders heaved as he lunged; withdrawing almost completely with each thrust; pressing back into him. Each re-entry seemed to reach deeper; Noah's steely thighs smacking hard against Luke's skin. 

Luke bore it, turning to catch Noah's groans of release in his mouth; just as Noah shuddered and quaked; both of them dropping in sweat to the tiled floor and holding onto each other.

As he came back down to earth Noah turned Luke’s face to his, gazing with worry at him. “Did I hurt you?” 

Luke shook his head. “Not too much.”

Noah gently kissed him once on each eye, on his nose and then caught Luke’s lips in his own. “I’m sorry.”

Luke arched back into the crook of Noah’s arm, as Noah tenderly, smoothly, stroked to bring Luke over the brink by hand, blowing hot kisses into his ear as they finally let go of the grief and their warm tears blended together. 


	23. Chapter 23

As the heat from the sex dissipated, the kitchen tiles began to feel cold on their skin. They maneuvered as much of their clothing under themselves as possible; neither ready to part bodies just yet. 

Noah stretched his arm right under Luke’s neck and around his back; cupped his right shoulder. His other hand caressed smoothly up and down Luke’s arm, keeping him warm. He turned his head and buried his face into Luke’s hair, sniffing deeply.

“Your hair smells _so_ good. Last year, I started using your brand of shampoo… Did I tell you that?”

“No.”

“I saw it in the store and…” he didn’t need to finish.

Luke studied Noah’s profile as the blue gaze fell intently on him; he noted how the lines of grief that had been so long etched into his brow were faded; at least a little.

Over the past few weeks, whenever Luke had seen those lines, he’d hid an overwhelming desire to place his palm over them and smooth them over. As though the act might somehow, magically, erase Noah’s hurt altogether. 

“Your skin looks smoother.”

“Yeah?”

“And your eyes are clear.”

“They weren’t before?”

Luke shook his head. “They haven’t been for a while.”

Noah kissed Luke’s temple.

“You look so much better,” Luke continued, “now that you got all that shit out.”

“I feel better.”

“Good.”

“I know I’ve said it before but, your Dad’s amazing.”

Still tracing patterns over the contours of Noah’s face, Luke searched his eyes. “Do you think… maybe… someday you’ll be able to tell me some of the things you told him?”

Noah broke the eye contact, blinking a few times; staring up at the ceiling. He lifted his left arm up to rest wrist-up across his forehead, as he considered Luke’s question.

Luke reached up with his hand to meet Noah’s extended fingers in a gentle tickle of digits. 

“Truthfully,” Noah said equably from under his arm, “some of the things I feel… it’s like…”

Luke could sense Noah growing impatient with himself when the words refused to formulate.

“It’s, okay, bubby, take your time...”

“I wish so much I could tell you…” again the words fell away in a frustrated sigh. Noah laid his hot cheek against the roughness of Luke’s stubble; left to grow out after the crazy morning they’d had. “I want to tell you everything, Luke. I want you to know everything that’s going on in my head.”

“But Noah I _do_ know,” Luke shifted up on his elbow, moved Noah’s arm from his face so that he could focus down on him, “that's the problem. You forget that I know all your tricks. I know well how you hide behind this mask of calmness. But it doesn’t work with me. You can’t protect me that way, because I already know everything you’re thinking.” 

Noah nodded.

“And for a while… I mean since I’ve been in L.A.... since we got back together... you’ve been so much better at talking to me. Why not this time?”

Noah stroked one finger down Luke’s cheek. “Because this time...” he took a deep breath. "You were in so much pain. The way I feel about you… The depth of what I feel for you… sometimes, I can’t find my voice to speak. It get’s all chocked up inside. This time it wasn’t just my feelings to come out… your feelings were involved too. And it’s my job to take away your pain, not add to it.” 

Luke rested his cheek on Noah’s chest, fingers running through the hairs there. He linked their hands and kissed Noah lightly on his knuckles; soothing the residual bite mark there. “Maybe you can start with just one thing. And we can deal with the issues one by one… But you _do_ need to tell me when you’re sad in future. I don’t want to _ever_ again see you go through anything like what I witnessed this morning. The way you bottled everything up hurt worse and scared me more than anything you could ever tell me.”

“I know… I’m sorry…”

“And the chair was pretty badly hurt too.”

There was a pause before both men burst out laughing; Noah thinking how only Luke could find a way to joke in such a moment. He squeezed the man tightly; kissed him once more. They settled back down into each other’s arms and lay there in silence for a while.

Eventually, Noah said, “Most of that was fear…”

“Fear?”

“Yeah… that… I guess that I might be losing this,” he indicated at the room, but Luke knew what he meant. “My whole life, I’ve only ever been happy when I’m with you. So I fear the happiness sometimes, because I already know what it means to lose it…” 

“I think we’ve been doing a pretty good job of staying together.” Luke smiled.

“Yes, we have.”

“And, as it turns out, today we have two less things to worry about...”

“Yes,” Noah laughed, the realization hitting him then too. “What a day, hey?”

Luke rolled over him and pressed his lips hard into Noah’s. When he came back up, Noah was smiling comfortably at him and Luke shook his head, grinning.

“What?” Noah beamed.

“You’re awesome!”

Noah laughed deeply at Luke’s use of Josh’s favorite word, “They’re ours, Luke.”

Luke nodded.

“We get to keep them both!”

Again Luke nodded, unable to stop smiling either. 

Whatever the expected disasters and alarms of the day's events, like all good stories, it had a happy ending. Noah was more content than Luke had seen him in weeks, they were closer than ever, and the children were theirs. At least for the time being. 

***

There had been many nights like this since Holden returned with the boys to their home in Los Angeles. Always a night owl, Holden would read his novel into the early morning; until thirsty, he’d take a quick stroll to the kitchen.

Almost every time, he would find his son-in-law sitting alone at the breakfast bar, staring at the coffee mug in his hands. It was this mantle of sadness that hung like a misty fog over the boy, that convinced Holden he would be needed. Whatever the emotions this kid was holding inside, he would never burden Luke with them. He needed somebody who could stand aloof from the situation of Josh’s death. Noah’s eyes were shadowed with exhaustion and strain; his mouth set in a grim line. As a father, Holden’s heart ached for him. He knew it was only a matter of time before Noah snapped. He just had to wait him out.

But after their brief Oakdale visit and their return to Los Angeles, Noah estranged himself from Holden, remaining cautious and reserved; exchanging only the occasional small talk or polite necessities. Holden knew Noah sensed his reason for being there. The boy was afraid; terrified of the storm raging within him; frightened to reveal it to anybody and feeling weaker by the day; less and less able to hold it together.

So, two nights after Noah’s breakdown and the discovery that the boys would be able to keep both Nicholas and Mia, when he thought things had finally improved for Noah, Holden was surprised to find the boy in the process of brewing a pot of coffee in the early hours of the morning. 

“Hey? Can’t sleep?”

Noah turned; eyes twinkling; a genuine smile playing on his lips. “I was sleeping just great until Nicky decided to craw into the bed. He shifted me over so much I fell out!”

Holden laughed. “Ah, yes! I remember those days!”

“Anyway, I’m awake now, so I thought I’d have a cup. Would you like one too… Dad?”

Holden must have worn a look of utmost surprise on his face, because Noah rewarded him with a shy lopsided grin that made Holden want to grab the kid in a tight bear hug. But he knew Noah better than that. So instead, his heart warmed totally through, Holden stepped forward to give the kid an affectionate pat of approval on his shoulder. 

“I would love a cup… son.”

They smiled wetly at each other for a moment until Noah cleared his throat and turned to continue making the coffee. 

“So,” Noah asked, “how much longer to you plan to visit with us here?” He turned back to Holden, who had since settled himself on a stool. “Not that I’m in any hurry to see you go.” 

Still overwhelmed with emotion from Noah’s declaration, Holden had to wait a moment before he could find a steady voice. “Well, I think I’m satisfied that you boys can take things from here, so most likely in a day or two. I’m really missing Lily and the kids. But it’s been worth it to see you both looking happy again.”

Noah nodded. “Yeah. It’s been one hell of a tough ride, this one. I’m… I just… thank you. For being here…”

“That’s what Dad’s are for.” 

***

“Oh my God! Are you really _that_ stupid? I mean it’s like somebody said it was chilly outside and you brought a bowl!” 

"Are your parents siblings? Do you ever wonder what life would have been like, if you’d only had enough oxygen at birth?”

As Jenna insulted her latest work experience student, Luke found himself grinning at her and enjoying the spectacle. Even though his usual instinct screamed at him to step in and rescue the poor kid. 

“Go!” she yelled at the guy, “I haven’t got all day! And do it right next time!” 

Once her trembling victim departed, Luke watched as Jenna read over the article the young student had given her and saw a slight curl on the side of her mouth.

“Not bad,” she said to herself, “he’s getting better…” For the first time, she glanced up to notice Luke grinning at her. “What?”

Luke shook his head. “Nothing.”

“If it’s nothing, then why do you have that brainless smirk on your face?”

Luke leaned back in his chair. “It’s just… I really like you Jenna.”

If it were possible for Jenna to look shocked, that was the reaction Luke’s words elicited. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I like you.”

“Shut up!”

“What?” Luke laughed. “It’s true.”

“Yeah, well I’d prefer it if you didn’t.”

“Can’t help it, I’m afraid,” an entertained Luke told her, “I’ve totally worked you out.”

“You have, ha? Do enlighten me with your wisdom oh great one…”

“Your cynicism and social ineptitude is just a tool you use to hide the truth…”

“Oh really, and what is the truth?”

“That deep down, under all those insults, you _really_ care… a lot… maybe even more than most...”

Luke took great pleasure from the flash of insecurity that statement awarded him. But he didn’t get to hear her reply, because at just that moment her phone rang. She picked it up with such force that it almost went flying, but she managed to catch it mid-air.

“Hello?” She swiveled in her chair so she could turn her back to Luke, who still sat smiling knowingly at her. 

With the moment of entertainment over, Luke picked up his own cell to dial Noah.

“Hey,” came Noah’s easy answer in Luke’s ear, “I was just thinking about you!”

“Hi, baby. Thought I’d check in before I head out for some lunch. Have you finished with those sound bites you were working on? I know they were giving you a bit of a headache.”

“Yip, all done. I really want to see you right now.”

“Me too.”

“You do?”

“Yes of course! I always want to see you, you know that!”

“Well good, because… look up…”

Confused Luke glanced upward and spotted Noah making his precarious way through the long and very busy newsroom. 

As always when he saw Noah unexpectedly, Luke had to draw breath at his beauty. His height was physically impressive and perfectly accented by a narrow waist and broad shoulders; sculptured muscles. Noah always looked better in person than in Luke’s head. 

People always stopped to watch him walk by in the street, in shopping malls and even here, in Luke’s office. Both men and women couldn’t fail to notice him. And what made this even sexier to Luke, was how Noah wasn’t even aware of it.

Noah dropped the phone from his ear and grinned from ear to ear as soon as Luke’s eyes found his. 

This astounding man was all his!

Luke stood to walk over and meet Noah part of the way. “Hello!” Luke laughed as he was swept up in Noah’s eager arms.

“Okay if I take my handsome hubby out for a bite to eat?”

“Well,” Luke pretended, “I don’t know… I’m real busy with this deadline and all…”

Noah punched his shoulder. “Bastard!”

“Ouch!” Luke laughed. “Of cause I want to have lunch with you, bozo!” 

Noah kissed him as they giggled together.

“Excuse me!” Jenna interrupted walking over. “This is a place of work. Not a couple’s shin-ding!”

“Yeah! Yeah!” Luke sang.

“Noah!” They all turned to find Jarvis making his way over.

“Hello, Jarvis,” Noah shook the man’s hand and then turned serious, “look, I’m really sorry about the other day…”

“Oh, don’t mention it my boy,” Jarvis exclaimed, “already forgotten. From what I heard, you had every reason to be worried. I’m sorry that Luke was put in such a precarious position.”

“Actually, Luke has a habit of putting himself in those positions, isn’t that right?” Noah flicked a finger at Luke’s neck.

“Hey,” Luke moaned; hand coming up to cover the sore spot, “stop hitting me!”

“You can rest assured that Luke and I have had a very lengthy and stern discussion on this topic.” Jarvis said. “He won’t be doing anything so reckless again!” 

Noah shook his head. “I mean no disrespect, but if I can’t get him to stop being ‘so reckless’, then what hope do you have?”

“That’s why you should leave the job to the experts,” Jenna piped in, holding out a sheet of paper for Luke. “Here, that was my source on the phone. He’s picked up some info on your drug situation. Seems the heroin supply is drying up. Your uncle has had to pull out.”

Luke took the page from her frowning. “You mean my father?”

“Damian is already in prison. He wouldn’t start drug running now! He’s smart. You of all people should know that.”

Luke read a few lines from her notes. “You’re saying Damian isn’t behind the heroin smuggling?”

“That’s what I said! Don’t you listen? It’s all Anton’s gig. Word is Damian reported the heroin running to the authorities to make sure they check his ships before they sail into port. Anton is one pissed off bunny at the moment!” 

Luke looked up at Noah. “Why would Damian let me believe he was behind it all?”

Noah smiled. “Because he knows you like I do.”

“Ha?”

“He knew you’d storm off to confront Anton. So he dealt with it himself. He was protecting you.”

Luke shook his head as the realization set in. “Fuck if I’ll ever understand that man.” 

“Well, in this case I understand him perfectly. He wanted to keep this,” Noah took Luke protectively into his arms, “precious body safe! Same as me!” 

“So, now you can finish up your story without getting yourself killed. That’s how _real_ reporters work, Mr. Snyder!” Jenna said. “You’ll have to do better if you want to be a serious journalist like me.”

Before Luke could thank her for her contribution or comment on her disdain, she had left them and returned to her computer screen. 

Not wanting this new development involving his father to influence the great mood he was in, Luke chuckled. “Come on gorgeous! You promised me lunch!” 

***

There was a patch of yellow long grass just below the site of Josh’s grave, which had been left to grow wild and attract butterflies and birds. A light breeze blew peacefully through the strands, making them wave and roll prettily back and forth.

Noah sat on a green gingham blanket, watching Kevin, Nicholas and Mia playing with a skipping rope on the nearby tarred cal-de-sac. Kevin held one end, while Nicholas held the other, and Mia had a good go of jumping over the rope between them. Noah thought she was quite good at it for her age. 

Nicholas laughed as he sang, “Shimmy shimmy, coco pop, shimmy shimmy, pow!”

Noah wasn’t sure, but he thought it must have been Jasmine who taught them the skipping song.

The picnic was such a good idea. They had packed drinks, sandwiches and cakes in a hamper and set out with the kids to spend time together in the one place where they could feel close to Josh. 

Slowly, day by day, they were all coming to terms with Josh’s death; an event that shook them like no other and still caused Noah to jerk in shock sometimes. 

The almost debilitating pain in his heart, was now reduced to a dull thump when he thought of Josh. And when he remembered the boy now, it wasn’t that moment of finding him in the bed, but rather his smile and sense of humor that Noah thought about. 

Luke also seemed much recovered from the event. He cried less now and smiled a whole lot more. And it had become easier to talk about the loss together; easier to enjoy moments like these. So a picnic in a graveyard seemed natural and good and felt right. 

The late afternoon son shone down on them warmly, but not too hot. Noah enjoyed a few moments eating the occasional strawberry. He smiled affectionately at Luke who stood up the hill by the side of Josh’s grave, lightly running his fingers over the granite tombstone as he conversed silently with the boy. 

As his teeth cut the last strawberry in half, Noah rubbed his thumb across his lower lip, catching the red juices that threatened to dribble down his chin and spoil his white t-shirt. Quickly wiping his hands on a strip of paper towel, Noah hopped up and made his way toward Luke. He was halfway up the steep incline when a certain plot caught his eye and brought him to a stop. 

It was a double grave with two identical stones; the kind married couples usually selected so they could be laid to rest together, forever. 

But it wasn’t the shared grave that caught Noah’s attention, so much as the inscriptions. 

He jumped slightly when Luke’s hand ran suddenly down his back. 

“Sorry,” Luke smiled, “you were really deep in thought. What’s up?”

Noah smiled back. “Look at this. One stone says Friends in life, while the other says Friends in death.”

The name on one grave read Brock Evans, 4 June 1911 – 18 January 2006. There was nothing unusual about that, except for the fact that the name on the twin tomb read Randy Pearce.

Luke’s arms wrapped around Noah and he felt the warmth of Luke’s cheek press into his back.

“Do you think…?” Noah asked.

“Well, it makes sense doesn’t it? A shared grave and everything… They would have been in their prime during the late thirties, early forties, I guess. Not an easy time to be a committed gay couple.”

“No,” Noah whispered softly, turning to pull Luke into a one armed hug, his eyes remaining fixed on the double grave. “Do you think they loved each other as much as we do?”

“I like to think so, yes.” Luke gripped Noah tightly around his waist, head resting on his shoulder. 

“We’re blessed really, aren’t we?” Noah observed, “You _know_ how hard it was for the both of us to admit who we really are to the world. But at least in this day and age we have the freedom to be married and build a family together. Can you imagine how hard it must have been for Brock and Randy; not even free to hold hands when they walked down the street?”

“I know.”

“I can’t even imagine being around you for one second and not being able to touch you.” 

“And there are still guys and girls in other parts of the world, hell, even in parts of _this_ country, who can’t admit they’re gay for fear of reprisals.” 

“Randy died in 2005, just a few months before Brock,” Noah continued, “I wonder how long they were together for.”

“I hope that they were together for as long as we’re gonna be…” Luke said, wrapping his arms around Noah’s neck. 

As Noah replied with his standard response, a kiss already in motion, he couldn’t have known, that by the end of that very same month, Luke would have vanished. 

“Same here.”

***

**Please comment on this chapter and/or on the story as a whole! Thank you!**

  
  



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